Do I want to blow up my life?

[Lupina12]

I’m 40. Two young kids. Married to a nice man. He is self employed and the main earner. I am part-time Self employed in a small biz I don’t like anymore, and earning is limited.

I’m very, very sad and have been for a long time. Nobody knows.

I have sacrificed my time and body to have kids, who I love very much. But now I’m 40 I’m desperate to find my own identity and career again. I am skilled in a creative art and want to pursue that for my career… but there is NEVER ANY TIME.

we are refurbishing a house and allllllll my husband’s time (outside of work) is taken up by it. While I am grateful for his hard work, he can’t seem to see how much I am sacrificing taking on 80-90% of the childcare in order to make space for him to work and do the refurb. Deadlines are continually pushed back and back and back….

I have begun to hate him and my business, and desperately want out. I’m actually jealous of my friends who are separated, hard as I know it has been for them in so many ways.

I haven’t told anyone but have become increasingly angry and irritable at H. When we try to talk about anything he is kind & talks a good game seeming to understand… but nothing ever changes.

am I peri menopausal? Has anyone else been through this identity crisis after kids, or at this age? I am just full of sadness and rage.

if I could leave I would, but I know it would destroy the kids lives and our families who believe in us so much. We are the ‘successful ones’ in their eyes.

I feel like my life is disappearing without me getting to make a difference and a mark in the world. I crave some kind of recognition and success on my own terms, and decent money too.

I know this is first world problems, please be gentle with me, I feel so fragile at the moment. I’m usually everyone’s rock, looking after elderly parents and siblings as well as my kids and H, but I can’t stand it any more

It sounds like you used to feel like a team, and now you don’t. You feel like an individual who got the raw deal. Have you really laid it all didn for him? No sugar-coating?

I think you should do couples counseling before you leave him

I think you've just lost balance.

You have the makings of a great relationship and great family.

Ask you DH to commit to a weekly meeting. Sunday mornings, with a coffee. Plan your week together meticulously. Even if you can't have date nights, try to find one or two half hours where you can have lunch together at home, or go for a walk, again from home, just something, to break the monotony. Both activities are great for further discussion/sorting stuff out. This stuff doesn't happen by accident, stress to your DH how important this is.

Then once that's working start having more long-term discussions. What's your aim with the renovations? How can you both support each other with both your work ambitions, and your personal needs? Can you agree a strategic 'pause' to the work (the woodchip in the dining room may just have to wait) for 6 months or a year to get some balance back? We did this at one time. It really helped. If your DH is so adamant to do the work himself, can he book some time to do this during normal working his? Sure your income will take a hit but it may be preferable to paying other trades. We've done this too.

Lots of things get easier as the DC get older. You don't feel so touched out. Ideally you'll pick up after them less. You get a bit of headspace back.

Then you can start to focus on you a bit.

Honestly... talk to him. Shout and give an ultimatum if you need to. But all is not lost at this stage. There's so much more to try.

Stay strong!

I think it's tempting to tell yourself in this situation (and for others to tell you) that it won't always be like this and it'll be worth it in the end, but that overlooks the resentment that sets in when no one is even noticing that your needs aren't being met. Like a couple of pp I also suspect it isn't that temporary and that your DH will always have a new renovation on the go. It's really hard giving years of your life to a joint existence that's all about meeting everyone else's needs and desires before/instead of your own. You absolutely have to talk about this, and imo be prepared to deliver an ultimatum if your unhappiness isn't taken seriously, and vague promises to do things differently aren't underpinned by action and change. You matter too. You only have one life of who knows how many or few precious years.

One other thing, which is my personal bugbear and perhaps you'd rather ignore. Perhaps you are perimenopausal, but if the anger and impatience that many women experience at menopause is giving you the impetus to address these problems and make changes, then personally I think you should grab that gift with both hands instead of medicating it away.

Can you find a class or group where you can do your art or hobby? And tell (don't ask, tell) DH that you will be signing up to this weekly class for your own sanity and he will need to sort kids and renovation around it. The do the class for a year and see if that little bit of private space for you gives you the strength to continue with everything else.

Have you told him how you feel. It's pretty clear just by reading posts on hear us men are shit at communication, we are also shit at mind reading. You say that you were on board with the renovation, but now it's dragging. Have you spoken to him about it?
Why not take a break from renovation, a year out.

You work in your own business, which is many people's dream, they don't understand that to be successful and make money takes lots of time. Clearly you don't have the time. Can you put the business on hold and work for someone else.

How is day to day childcare sorted? Can you put the kids in nursery for longer?

Overall though you need to actually sit down with your dh and tell him what you have told us.

Thank you soooooo much for these wise words, it's really appreciated.

After a horrible day on Sunday (I gave up and went to bed for two hours in the end!) I found reading all your thoughtful messages was so helpful. 🙏

Yes maybe I am peri-menopausal but also as @Lavengro says that doesn't mean I am wrong either!

Had a big chat with H and am making moves to make a whole day every week for my art skill, so a big change. we are also reviewing the renovation plans so we pay trades more to do the work and even maybe take a break for a few years while the kids are young.

thank you, this was very helpful x