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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To stop my child’s father seeing her based on his criminal history?

47 replies

Curiouscat122 · 15/06/2024 22:57

Really need advice.

I did a Clare’s law whilst I was pregnant with my 1 year old on my ex after he was verbally abusive. I was expecting it to be fine but shockingly I was told that he was in the process of being prosecuted for digital and penile rape which he did before throwing said girl out naked and recording her. He also has assault charges against an ex partner, general assault charges and driving charges (driving with no licence, drunk driving) he also clearly has a drinking issue but thinks he doesn’t.

I googled his name after and he was in fact in our local paper for assault and driving charges. I broke up with him. He told me the driving charges were true, that the assault charges were from a night out and both were “poor choices” he told me in regards to the rape and assault on a woman, it was his ex girlfriend. He said that he went over to end things, she seduced him in to sex and then lied and told the police that he’d raped and beat her up to avoid him leaving her. I don’t know what is true and what’s not.

He moved away when we broke up, his mum started seeing our daughter and she is lovely although is very naive in regards to her son thinking he’s done no wrong. He wasn’t having contact (he didn’t want to which suited me as I didn’t want him to)

I then got a message from his mum a few weeks ago saying he had started seeing her whilst she was at his and wanted to be on the birth certificate. I told her I didn’t feel comfortable with any of that due to previous convictions and she told me that it was all lies and what he did do (driving and assault) was during stupid drunk episodes that I shouldn’t hold against him. I said I do not feel comfortable with my daughter seeing her anymore if she was allowing him contact. I advised her that they go through court or id be willing for them to see her at a supervised contact centre. I am worried about a potential incident occurring as he isn’t responsible and is potentially dangerous and I’m worried their will be social services involvement if they knew he was seeing her.

if he was a normal nice guy I’d have absolutely no issues with him seeing her unsupervised at any time he wanted. I am not bitter.

AIBU to withhold contact because of this? Would social services likely agree I am doing the correct thing or would they not care/want her to have a relationship with him? If it was taken to court would unsupervised access be granted?

Himself and his family believe I am being very bitter but I’m just trying to protect my daughter from any potential incidents and not do anything that could lead to social services involvement.

does anybody know ss viewpoint on such a situation?

OP posts:
OhHelloMiss · 15/06/2024 23:05

He's not on custody over those pending charges

What did he get for all the other charges?

Ss....not sure what they would say but I don't think you can go wrong by offering the supervised contact centre. See if he means it and turns up?

Curiouscat122 · 15/06/2024 23:07

OhHelloMiss · 15/06/2024 23:05

He's not on custody over those pending charges

What did he get for all the other charges?

Ss....not sure what they would say but I don't think you can go wrong by offering the supervised contact centre. See if he means it and turns up?

As for the rape and assault on ex partner it is “bail pending investigation”

For the other charges he got his licence removed, suspended sentence and fines

OP posts:
Curiouscat122 · 15/06/2024 23:09

OhHelloMiss · 15/06/2024 23:05

He's not on custody over those pending charges

What did he get for all the other charges?

Ss....not sure what they would say but I don't think you can go wrong by offering the supervised contact centre. See if he means it and turns up?

My fear would also be that he drove with our daughter whilst drunk and without a licence. He has a car, but he doesn’t have a licence as he was suspended for 5 years in 2021. In the drink driving accident he had he had crashed the car which flipped on to its roof and set on fire, the passenger (his friend) was critically injured.

OP posts:
Anothernamechane · 15/06/2024 23:13

I would stop contact for those reasons. Unfortunately if he decides to take this to court he’s likely to get some sort of contact. Even convicted rapists tend to get contact with their children. However, given he just buggered off and wasn’t bothered about contact- this is probably being driven by his mum. Let him try to fight it.

Curiouscat122 · 15/06/2024 23:17

Anothernamechane · 15/06/2024 23:13

I would stop contact for those reasons. Unfortunately if he decides to take this to court he’s likely to get some sort of contact. Even convicted rapists tend to get contact with their children. However, given he just buggered off and wasn’t bothered about contact- this is probably being driven by his mum. Let him try to fight it.

I have no issues with him having contact in a contact centre. But would the court suggest that or would they sway towards unsupervised? Even if it didn’t get taken to court, im willing to offer that at least until he’s proven commitment responsibility and sobriety.

He called me drunk last night calling me all the names under the sun and saying how the last time he had our daughter, he took her for a walk and was tempted to just flee and not return or inform anybody of their whereabouts but said the only reason he didn’t is because she’s on too much medication which he’d not be able to get (she was born very premature) unfortunately I didn’t record this conversation and have since blocked him.

OP posts:
carerlookingtochangejob · 15/06/2024 23:17

I would stop all contact. Let him take you to court.
In fact I would be very tempted to move and not give them a forwarding address. But that's probably not the best way to go!

ItsNotAShopItsAStore · 15/06/2024 23:18

I’m really surprised this wasn’t picked up during pregnancy - someone awaiting trial for rape would be scrutinised very closely

Dramatic · 15/06/2024 23:20

Yanbu at all. You can't take chances with your daughter and you're doing absolutely the right thing in protecting her.

As for the court, let him take you to court if he wants. I'd imagine he might not even have the commitment to do that as it can be a long process but I wouldn't offer anything at all outside court.

ItsNotAShopItsAStore · 15/06/2024 23:22

Curiouscat122 · 15/06/2024 23:07

As for the rape and assault on ex partner it is “bail pending investigation”

For the other charges he got his licence removed, suspended sentence and fines

Still?? After nearly 2 years? That’s an unusually long time to be on bail

ItsNotAShopItsAStore · 15/06/2024 23:23

Curiouscat122 · 15/06/2024 23:09

My fear would also be that he drove with our daughter whilst drunk and without a licence. He has a car, but he doesn’t have a licence as he was suspended for 5 years in 2021. In the drink driving accident he had he had crashed the car which flipped on to its roof and set on fire, the passenger (his friend) was critically injured.

And he didn’t get a custodial sentence?

OP how long did you know him before you became pregnant? Did you not notice he didn’t drive

Beautifulbythebay · 15/06/2024 23:28

You were naive thinking his dm would be against her own ds.. Nc for either of them without a court order... Keep a diary. Keep all texts. Write down the threats he made...
Never meet him alone...

newtlover · 15/06/2024 23:29

FFS OP
have nothing to do with him
he has just told you he considered ABDUCTING your child
let him take you to court- he won't
in the unlikely event he does, the most they will order is supervised contact, which should be in a contact centre, not 'supervised' by his mum, who will either
basically look after your DD while he plays computer games, or, allow him to have her unsupervised
you owe him nothing and he will bring nothing positive to you or your DDs lives

LouH1981 · 15/06/2024 23:29

Firstly, good on you for standing up to him.
Secondly, I would definitely let the courts decide. The Family Court is very risk averse. It is also probably the only way you’ll get a neutral, comprehensive account of the evidence. I doubt he will have told you everything. As someone who used to work in the criminal justice system, they rarely do.
I think you absolutely have to go with your gut on this one and do what you believe is in your little ones best interests. Best to be safe than sorry xx

Curiouscat122 · 15/06/2024 23:30

ItsNotAShopItsAStore · 15/06/2024 23:23

And he didn’t get a custodial sentence?

OP how long did you know him before you became pregnant? Did you not notice he didn’t drive

I have known him for years, since we were 13 (we went to school together) we’re now 24. We began a relationship then 5 months in I was unexpectedly pregnant.

He does drive, he has a car. I was under the impression he could drive and had a licence until I was told it had been suspended for drink driving

OP posts:
Curiouscat122 · 15/06/2024 23:31

ItsNotAShopItsAStore · 15/06/2024 23:18

I’m really surprised this wasn’t picked up during pregnancy - someone awaiting trial for rape would be scrutinised very closely

I didn’t mention his name or anything on any pregnancy records or to doctors. I just told them the father wasn’t involved and I’d prefer not to name him on any paperwork.

I wish I had now so it had been investigated

OP posts:
ItsNotAShopItsAStore · 15/06/2024 23:32

Mumofteenandtween · 15/06/2024 23:29

Courts are massively backed up.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cmlddjv0eego

That’s one town.

OP was with him for 5 months then it’s been nearly 2 years since then - that’s very long to still be on bail.

ItsNotAShopItsAStore · 15/06/2024 23:33

Curiouscat122 · 15/06/2024 23:31

I didn’t mention his name or anything on any pregnancy records or to doctors. I just told them the father wasn’t involved and I’d prefer not to name him on any paperwork.

I wish I had now so it had been investigated

Why did you do that?

It’s not that they investigate the name on your green notes. It’s that the police and probation will need to know his address and will make visits during the investigation process. How did he evade that?

BringItOnxxx · 15/06/2024 23:33

Let him take you to court. Ideally move away.

Curiouscat122 · 15/06/2024 23:34

ItsNotAShopItsAStore · 15/06/2024 23:32

That’s one town.

OP was with him for 5 months then it’s been nearly 2 years since then - that’s very long to still be on bail.

I’m not sure what’s happened since, him and his family won’t address it other than saying it’s lies.

maybe it’s been dropped? Maybe he’s been convicted (but if he has he’s obviously not in prison) they had evidence of the video her recorded when he locked the girl out naked, not sure what other evidence they had or were waiting for. Possibly her statement

OP posts:
ItsNotAShopItsAStore · 15/06/2024 23:36

Curiouscat122 · 15/06/2024 23:34

I’m not sure what’s happened since, him and his family won’t address it other than saying it’s lies.

maybe it’s been dropped? Maybe he’s been convicted (but if he has he’s obviously not in prison) they had evidence of the video her recorded when he locked the girl out naked, not sure what other evidence they had or were waiting for. Possibly her statement

Im sure you’d have at least seen it in the local paper if he’d been convicted. Rape and kidnap and voyeurism would carry a custodial sentence anyway.

Opinionwontchangeluv · 15/06/2024 23:37

He's nice and normal FOR NOW people like him don't change until they are grey and old and that's simply because they can't bully women anymore

Curiouscat122 · 15/06/2024 23:38

He also drank drove my own car. He wasn’t convicted for this as he didn’t get caught. He didn’t have my permission or knowledge. I only found out when I noticed my car and keys were missing after he had stayed, I called him and he had it and brought it back drunk with a smashed headlight. That was about 2 weeks before I ended things and got the Clare’s law.

OP posts:
ItsNotAShopItsAStore · 15/06/2024 23:38

This is the luckiest man ever.

Drink driving where he had a serious accident and critically injured his friend and he only gets a suspended sentence. Then spends 3 years driving whilst banned and getting away with it. Then being on bail for a serious sex offence and not even having a visit from the police in that time.
Did he not answer his bail??

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/06/2024 23:39

Keep a diary of all of this. Tell him dates once a month when you'll take her to a contact centre and to let you know when he's booked it. See if he does.