To stop my child’s father seeing her based on his criminal history?

[Curiouscat122]

Really need advice.

I did a Clare’s law whilst I was pregnant with my 1 year old on my ex after he was verbally abusive. I was expecting it to be fine but shockingly I was told that he was in the process of being prosecuted for digital and penile rape which he did before throwing said girl out naked and recording her. He also has assault charges against an ex partner, general assault charges and driving charges (driving with no licence, drunk driving) he also clearly has a drinking issue but thinks he doesn’t.

I googled his name after and he was in fact in our local paper for assault and driving charges. I broke up with him. He told me the driving charges were true, that the assault charges were from a night out and both were “poor choices” he told me in regards to the rape and assault on a woman, it was his ex girlfriend. He said that he went over to end things, she seduced him in to sex and then lied and told the police that he’d raped and beat her up to avoid him leaving her. I don’t know what is true and what’s not.

He moved away when we broke up, his mum started seeing our daughter and she is lovely although is very naive in regards to her son thinking he’s done no wrong. He wasn’t having contact (he didn’t want to which suited me as I didn’t want him to)

I then got a message from his mum a few weeks ago saying he had started seeing her whilst she was at his and wanted to be on the birth certificate. I told her I didn’t feel comfortable with any of that due to previous convictions and she told me that it was all lies and what he did do (driving and assault) was during stupid drunk episodes that I shouldn’t hold against him. I said I do not feel comfortable with my daughter seeing her anymore if she was allowing him contact. I advised her that they go through court or id be willing for them to see her at a supervised contact centre. I am worried about a potential incident occurring as he isn’t responsible and is potentially dangerous and I’m worried their will be social services involvement if they knew he was seeing her.

if he was a normal nice guy I’d have absolutely no issues with him seeing her unsupervised at any time he wanted. I am not bitter.

AIBU to withhold contact because of this? Would social services likely agree I am doing the correct thing or would they not care/want her to have a relationship with him? If it was taken to court would unsupervised access be granted?

Himself and his family believe I am being very bitter but I’m just trying to protect my daughter from any potential incidents and not do anything that could lead to social services involvement.

does anybody know ss viewpoint on such a situation?

Likely, but the prosecution rate of rape is so low anyway and often they get away with it. So even if he did do it, the likelihood is he wouldn’t have been convicted.

As far as I know the bail was him having to the visit the police station on a certain date each month

Go and get legal advice

Keep all records of conversations/texts and the information you have on him etc

you will get lots of conflicting advice and some similar experiences but you really need to know exactly where you stand so you know what you are possibly up against and you will feel better knowing this and more confident in making the right decisions

If you get social services involved they’ll probably be open with you about the progress of these investigations. They will be able to advise and give you the support you need too. It will look good to a court that you reached out for support

Have you not called the police about him drink driving and driving when banned??

And you didn’t notice him do that? Or see any police paperwork through or have the police visit?

Once a month is very regular!

No because we live in different properties we never cohabited

SW here. You need to ring your local social services and explain the situation. They will support you through and will likely need an assessment to explore what contact is safe and appropriate and can support with supervision / assessing individuals to supervise. You need to be honest that he has seen your child but without your consent.
I'm surprised a referral wasn't made initially after Claire law.

I know people worry about social care but in this situation they will support you with assessing the risk and this will include gathering further info from police.
In the mean time you have sufficient concerns to stop the contact until you seek advice. He is not on BC (and you haven't mentioned he has any form of court order) therefore does not have parental responsibility.

Hope this helps.

God he sounds horrible. I would want social services on my side. Contact them and tell them you fear for her safety if she has unsupervised contact with him.

Do you still have the Clare’s Law info they sent you OP? Could you use it to go to a solicitor and ask for advice and they have the facts in front of them to best advise you?

TBH his mother is never not gonna be on his side. Id be very careful with that one. You’d be amazed how easily families turns against the exes especially with children involved

with that history I would not allow contact without a court order. I would not let his family see the child unsupervised.

I would also contact a really good family law solicitor. I would want to know if I am obligated to update him with my contact info if I move and change my numbers and all other methods of contact. I would also want to know if I am allowed to do that, how would that action be taken by the court if he does pursue contact via legal channels

This is very good advice.

Well done for putting your child first. You absolutely did the right thing. I would move away if possible.

I would love to. But that would mean leaving my entire family and also my elderly grandparents who don’t have a lot of time left. I wish he’d just go away and leave me alone, but I guess that’s a price you pay for having a baby with the wrong man.

Your baby comes first. If moving away is what it will take to ensure her safety, that's what you do. You don't have the luxury of doing what's easiest for you anymore.

You should not be in contact with your ex, or any of his family members, in any way. Get off Facebook, Instagram, etc if you have them. Block all of them. Never respond to any letters, calls, texts, or emails, but keep a record of everything. Never open your door to him or any of his family, and be very aware that his mother will always be on his side. She will put him above the wellbeing of your child, every time. If your ex wants to see your daughter, he will have to go to court, and I highly doubt he will. He clearly will be busy enough with the courts due to his crimes, and with any luck he'll be sent to prison.

Follow @Bramblestarr 's good advice and get the SS involved. If it ever got to court the word of an offical party will count for more than your unsupported statement. Block him on all but e mail/ text so you have everything in writing as evidence. And don't trust his DM, she's wilfully blind to what a bad man her Son has become

Use a contact centre, at least until the investigation is completed and he's either convicted or acquitted. The mother's union run them around the country, mostly in church halls.

As for his mum, she's in denial, who wants to think their children are criminals? If you can get assurances that your dc stays with her during contact and your ex doesn't go out with dc without his mum present, certainly no (illegal) driving then perhaps that's the way forward.

I know it's tough but from what you have written a court would probably order contact

You would be a neglectful parent NOT to stop contact.

If social services found out you were knowingly allowing this contact they'd not look kindly on you.

The gran would not be assessed as being 'safe' until she fully acknowledges his crimes and the risk of significant harm he poses to your DD and can demonstrate she will take measure to protect her.

I wouldn't facilitate any kind of contact. The advice to seek guidance from social care is spot on. I see you've said you can't move away, but could you move to a neighbouring area and conpletely lock down your personal information? Ensure you're not on the public electoral roll, etc. He sounds dangerous and risky. I would block his mum because she put your child at risk without speaking to you first. What you said about him drink-driving your car is chilling. He sounds dangerous and probably has antisocial personality disorder, so won't feel any guilt or remorse, whatever he's done.

Another Children and Families Social Worker here. I entirely support the opinion and advice of my SW colleague above.
Consult with your LA team as soon as possible. His family do not sound safe to protect your child either.
Good luck and keep safe.

this is very true... i speak from first hand experience on this matter. The police speak with ALL ex and current partners?

I wouldn't facilitate contact in any way. As a PP said, keep a diary of anything he says or does such as when he said he was tempted to run away with her. To be honest the convictions and charges aren't great but him saying that would particularly worry me that if he did have contact he would kidnap her so I would do everything possible to prevent that. If he's not on the birth certificate then he will have to take you to court to get on it if he wants to have any right to contact anyway so I would tell him either no contact or a contact centre that he arranges and pays for (only if you think that it would be in your child's best interests to have any contact with him at all, fuck him and what he or his mum want, it's only about your child). If he wants to take you to court and goes that way then I would involve social work but I wouldn't before then because in my experience it can very much depend on the social worker you get. In my line of work, I have seen social workers pander to parents because they are scared to upset them, despite it being clearly not in the child's best interests (I have also worked with some incredible social workers who are worth their weight in gold but it's your luck of the draw).
As someone whose partner was prevented from seeing his children for a significant period of time without cause (those children now live with us) I would very very rarely say not to allow contact but in the case I think you are justified.

I would make a very thorough diary/timeline of events up to now. Find a way of recording any future interactions dictaphone etc that you can keep on you and click on easily in case he turns up or calls unexpectedly. If he does try to get him to mention the fact that he considered running off with DD. Maybe asking him 'why would I let you see her and risk you running away with her?' see if he denies it.

Is he on the birth certificate? I'm guessing not as I can't imagine he came with you to register?

Hopefully he won't bother with court but just in case I would plan for it and gather as much evidence against him as possible. Keep in top of his convictions and crimes, as pp says get in touch with social workers and health visitors. Express how concerned you are about her safety with him.

The really big issue I would press is the unsafe driving, and the alcoholism. Drunk driving, not insured and no licence, the violence when drunk. It would be very believable that he would drive with her if unsupervised. I would make it very clear that his family let him see her without your knowledge too so they are not safe either.

The other violent crimes are of course significant and certainly won't help his case but as we know from threads in here, unless it is likely to effect the child directly, fathers are often allowed contact regardless of how shit they are.

Get the health workers and social workers on side, be really honest and be hyper focussed on dds safety and on being the responsible, reasonable parent when compared to his violent criminal one.

I think it reflects really well on you that you fostered a relationship with the grandmother before realising what she was like, it makes it clear that it's him you are protecting her from.

I would beef up physical security too. Ring doorbell to catch possible interactions, 3 point locks, deadbolts etc for peace of mind more then anything. He's been vile to you over the phone and he is shown to be impulsive and violent especially when drunk so I would be wary of this escalating.