to wish my partner just occasionally chose to not drink with me?

[abathaday]

So I’m pregnant and my partner hasn’t changed his drinking habits at all. Before pregnancy we both liked a drink but he always drank more than me. Anyway, since I got pregnant he hasn’t changed his drinking habits at all and it’s just started to really grate on me and I can’t tell if I’m just hormonal or justified. Part of it is the fact that I feel like I’m missing out- not always, but on Fridays I do miss that cold glass of wine. It’s just becoming hard to watch him pouring drink after drink and getting silly. I find his drunk behaviour so unattractive and the fact he’s unable to give even one night of drinking up. We haven’t bought anything for the baby yet but he’s just dropped a couple of hundred on a new beer machine for gods sake. He said he’d come back from seeing his mates at 5 and he’s still out because he’s getting drunk. I just feel so alone and unsupported in the pregnancy but nothing will make him change because he’s happily addicted to booze. I don’t even know anymore, I can’t tell if I’m just bloody hormonal and fed up and have my own issues with alcohol because I miss it or it’s on him. Would I be within my rights to insist that he stops drinking for a bit or should I leave it…

YANBU!

But have you actually told him you want him to stop drinking too?

Men can be seriously thick! Tell him he stops drinking every night or he can leave!

It's really insensitive of him!

I understand completely. I missed drinking. A lot.

Once you've delivered, make sure he is always the designated driver - to make up for the 9 months you missed out!!!

You have FOMO. He’s not pregnant so doesn’t need to give up drinking. I get that it’s hard for you to give up and watch him have fun but it’s not for long!

Bit quick to jump to LTB over a couple of drinks.

9 months is a bloody long time to miss out! Her DH should be more supportive. He might not be pregnant but he’s 50% responsible for the child and should act it!

A couple of drinks??? The OP says he drinks every night! Hardly the behaviour of a dad to be!

Sometimes shock tactics are needed.

I think it's worrying that he hasn't even thought about modifying his behaviour. Whilst it would be unreasonable to expect him to stop drinking altogether he should be starting to take on board he is going to be a father soon and that means not carrying on in the manner of someone with no responsibility. When you have children things change. Or should change
If I were you OP I would be concerned that when baby is born he will continue drinking and socialising as he has always done and it will be left to you to change your lifestyle radically while he carries on as he has always done.
I think you should be discussing how you feel at the moment about his drinking been unaffected and how you both envisage your lifestyles going forward.

How pregnant are you? At some point he is going to have to calm it down so he is in a fit state to drive you to the hospital possibly at quite short notice

I think YABU to expect him to stop drinking to keep you company. Unless, of course, you're addicted. In which case, he shouldn't be drinking in front of you.

YANBU to be unreasonable to be concerned about how things will be like when the baby comes if he does not intend to modify his consumption at all.

‘Pouring drink after drink’ every night, promising to be back by 5 but deciding to get drunk instead and ‘happily addicted to booze’ doesn’t sound like a couple of drinks to me.

It sounds like a problem I wouldn’t want to expose a child to.

My now dh didn't drink for the 9 months I was pregnant.

Didn't expect but was glad of it tbh.
Your.dp is a prick.

Thanks all for the perspectives.
re asking him about not drinking, I’ve never asked him to stop drinking completely but I’ve expressed dismay at him drinking so regularly and to excess. At a recent friends party he was so drunk he was stumbling around and fell asleep on the floor, it used to be funny but not anymore…
full disclosure he doesn’t drink every day but binges at weekends and I think he justifies it all by the fact he doesn’t drink every day
the poster who said it’s fomo- thanks for the perspective, I do think it’s partly that. However just thinking about it now I think what really grates on me is the NEED to drink, like it’s not a proper occasion without it. At the aforementioned friends party I had a wonderful time sober and I think it was that moment I realised it’s such a bloody lie that we need to be getting pissed to have fun. So yes, whilst I’d love a few drinks I’ve just become so disgusted with the culture where getting hugely drunk is the norm and somehow funny. I hate how we’re meant to crave something that makes us behave in such ridiculous ways. In many ways it’s his behaviour from drinking not even the drinking itself. Sorry, thinking out loud here.

I wouldn’t say I was addicted but definitely dependent on a glass of wine to help me with the stress of the work week, my existing child etc. I’m not sure, I don’t know if his behaviour is holding up a mirror and triggering me because I see it in myself… the dependency.

It's called solidarity and partner ship and he is totally OOO! Big time.

And sounds like a true alcoholic if he drinks that much every day- not good for a future dad.

Perhaps point out to him that at any point you might need taking to hospital. Something might go wrong & you need to go in - who is taking you? Supporting you?

I think he's being phenomenally thoughtless & selfish. Don't blame you feeling as you do at all.

Regardless of you being pregnant it does sound as though he has a drink problem if he drinks so much that he gets silly, stumbles around and falls asleep (although I would never see that sort of behaviour as 'funny').
I wouldn't have expected my DH to give up drinking when I was pregnant and I did have the occasional small glass of wine myself but excess drinking is not attractive in anyone at any time.
And I am absolutely not a 'small sherry at Christmas' drinker ... I drink most days ... but never to excess.

I would have a chat. Is he assuming that you will do all of the being responsible for the child every weekend while he gets plastered? He has a pretty big lifestyle change coming up and he can't be fall down drunk in charge of a baby.

Yanbu. My ex was like this. He agreed he wouldn't drink at all for the last week of my pregnancy so that he could drive me to hospital if I needed. and then he left me at 34 weeks 😫🫣

So you already have a, child? Do you both drink around your child? If he drinks the way he does around an existing child why would you expect him to suddenly stop now? He definitely needs to slow his drink down but if he's got away with it in the past, he probably thinks it's fine.

When we are sober we realise how unpleasant it is when other people can't control their drinking.
I think you are right to be concerned.

I love the presumption that everybody can drive lol

Ask him what he plans to do once you hit 36 weeks, when you may need him to drive you urgently, and even if not you need him to be sober and coherent to take care of the things you can't.

And then once the baby is born, what's his plan then?

Well you chose to become pregnant before setting the boundaries. But either way I would never expect my hubby to give up drinking and if he hadn't naturally gravitated to being more kind and caring and in more then maybe I would have said something but he didn't . Or maybe he is a thick plank like my brother and didn't even think about it till his wife mentioned and was all taken in good humour and he changed to going out once a month