To want to say something re this tipping situation?

[Menopuddled]

I work in a restaurant/pub.

Over the last couple of months a lady has come in on my shift 3 times, twice with a friend, once with I’m guessing her son and DIL.

Each time the meal has been paid for in cash and a reasonable cash tip left.

There has been no issue with the meal, everyone seemed to enjoy the food and the experience.

But here's the odd thing. Each time after leaving the pub, she's come back in and said she's changed her mind about the tip, and asked for the note back.

The first two times I gave her the money back and queried that the evening was okay and she muttered something that didn't really make sense.

I'd decided that if it happened again I'd refer her to management, but she caught another member of staff from the bar who just returned it out of my jar while I was occupied elsewhere and told me later.

I really don't mind people not tipping, whole it's nice and a sign of appreciation, I'm fully aware that some people just don't believe in tipping and that's fine, but to tip and the ask for it bavkit very strange.

I've surmised that the tipping is performative? She wants to be thought of as generous but them waits until she's not observed to retrieve the tip (I'm not sure on this but she certainly asked the tip back when she was alone, and after some time after leaving).

Also I wonder if other members of the party have contributed to the tip? If so, she's worst case stealing from friends or family, best case going against their tipping ethos without permission?

I'm trying to think of a polite way to acknowledge the tip but refuse it next time while staying true to the customer/server dynamic.

AIBU to address it?

Is she paying the bill/leaving the tip? Or is someone else and she’s coming back to pocket the tip.

I used to have a friend who’d pocket the tips when we went out for dinner in a group - we’d split the bill and then if people wanted to tip, they would round up their share to cover a tip. He’d then hang back to see what was on the table and either not put in his share of the bill or if there was more money than the bill he’d pocket the difference.

None of us realised what he was up to for ages until he was overheard talking about his free meal to his girlfriend and he got sent back into the restaurant to pay his share of the bill and return the tips that other people had left.

I think I’d refuse the tip in future.

Next time she leaves a tip just say 'no thank you, the last few times you've returned to ask for the tip back, you keep it' with a big smile. She either wants to look like a big tipper in front of her friends or she's stealing a joint tip. Your management should put up a sign saying tips are non refundable.

Sounds weird to be honest. For all you know she could have mental health issues or wanted to appear generous infront of others but actually can’t afford it? Who knows. I’d just keeping giving the tip back 🤷🏻‍♀️

How can she prove that she left a tip and how much it was?

Speak to your manager first and warn the other staff.

Next time she comes in for a meal, speak to her privately and say the management will no longer return tips. Then it's up to her if she tips or not and she's not been embarassed in front of other people.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you’ve got management backing first.

I’d say something like, “management have said we are no longer able to return tips as we can’t prove how much tip was left”. After all it’s not like it’s written on the bill. Obviously get management permission first though.

I’d do this or just say please don’t leave a tip as you just embarrass yourself when you pop back later to ask for it back .

Does she come back in immediately (harder to hide what she’s doing from the group in that scenario) or does a bit of time elapse?

EDIT: I see you said ‘some time’ after so enough time that everyone has gone, presumably?

Do you know if she’s been paying the bill, or been treated by others?

So odd.

she muttered something that didn't really make sense.

What did she say?

She’s either extremely hard up and too proud to admit that, or it’s some anxiety-based action if we’re being generous.

This

I'd either refuse the tip and tell her why as others have suggested or I'd look at her blankly when she came back to request the tip back and say 'sorry, what tip?'
As an aside, your colleague should absolutely not have given her anything from your tip jar without checking with you first!

I agree it could be open to abuse... but she'd have to be quite determined for a relatively small amount!

I'd guess she was watching others in the party tip, and then going back to take it for herself... unless you know it was actually her paying?

Weird behvaiour anyway. Definitely ask your boss... wonder if this is in any way a common thing most people don't know about?

She's coming back to claim money that the rest of her party actually tipped and it's stealing. Next time they're in call her out on it in front of them - my guess is they'll be absolutely mortified and tip separately to paying the bill next time. Cheeky fucker she is!

The place needs a new policy that tips can only be refunded if paid for on a card, so amounts can be proved, and this needs mentioning when she leaves a tip.

Set the cat amongst the pigeons and next time look confused and tell her the person she was with has already asked and had it returned to them.

This is probably what I'd do. She's retrieving the tip secretively, so I'd make the facts public to the rest of her party.

I agree with PPs that it's the others in the party leaving the tips and she sees it as them 'throwing money away' and figuring "Well, if they don't wont it, I'll have it!"

If it were her paying/settling on behalf of everybody and wanting to look generous, surely she's just say she was going to settle and make pointed (lying) comments about her also adding a decent well-earned tip.

In fact, if she's going back to a different member of the serving staff, it would be the easiest thing in the world for the fiver that they actually left to magically become £20 when she's asking for it 'back'. We already know that she has no shame, as very few people would have the balls to ask for their tips back once, let alone every time.

Don't give her it back. Once she gives it to you it is yours.

I thought I had heard everything but this is ridiculous. How much is the tip?

Either that or a card with four options for tip amounts/percentages on it (the fourth being 'state custom amount') - then, when she or any member of her party choose one and give that amount, ask them repeatedly "Is that your final answer?"

If she still comes back after all that, tell her that it was paid on her companion's card, so she'll need to phone a friend.

God I'd have to. "Are you sure about the tip, it's not expected and you usually come back in to ask for it back so honestly don't feel obliged." You're not accusing or outing that way I think.

Are the other people in her party paying the bill and she paying the tip? It might be she wants a free meal….very bizarre

I think next time I'd wait and see what the tip is and then refuse it with a faux misundersranding that they think they have been overpaying.

When you collect the money just say that they've left more than the Bill and as they've asked for the money back previously that you don't want a misunderstanding about the price again.

Is she laundering fake pound coins/notes?

Discuss with manager a new 'tips are not refundable' policy, in advance.

Next time she is in and she tips you can then say:

'Are you sure, I have to let you know that since your last visit here, tips are no longer refundable'...

That should do it. You haven't bad mouthed her, its a new policy, so totally fair to let her know.

But that wording should be enough to let others in the group know somethings gone on in the past!