Where do people with anger management issues come from?

[RosaLinn]

MN is most likely not the place that will give some valid statistics, but do people have experiences with angry people? That type that actually need intervention?

What is that anger caused by?

My Ex had anger management counselling.

IMHO its a mixture of a poor upbringing, losing his dad suddenly at 12 and being forced to move, and what is clear ASD.

He also learned from his older brothers that shouting and being a bully got you more than being kind, so that's how he behaved.

Some of his anger was learned, some of it was meltdown/inability to regulate his emotions.

DH’s anger issues came from his family. His dad was incredibly physically abusive to them all and his mum was and still is a perfectionists. If things don’t happen exactly how she wants them to, then it’s ‘wrong’. And if something’s wrong then it’s perceived to be the end of the world. She definitely has autistic traits same as DN but nobody wants a diagnosis

DH is working on things but only because I don’t stand for it and will get up into his face if he loses his temper. So he’ll now walk off. It’s awful though being married to someone who loses it so easily.

More seriously, I have a short fuse. And I've wondered the same and wanted to change it. I don't think I've got ADHD (I've done tests). I do think anger was normalised growing up, I know I experienced trauma as a child and as an adult and I think for me anger is born out of fear, uncertainty, low self esteem or anxiety. If I'm given time to write something or reflect and pause, it passes. I think the best thing you can give your child is security and I didn't have that. If you are worried get therapy.

Clearly, there are many possible causes of anger management issues - as many posts here have illustrated.

I've recently developed problems of this sort following diagnosis of an incurable bone marrow disorder, which comes with a projected mean survival period of around 3 to 4 years (for context, I was a fit 59 year old on diagnosis, a year ago) - though there's a lot of variability, some people last a decade, some people are gone in months. Whilst I don't consciously feel anger at my situation (there are many people who are diagnosed and die with this, and other cancers, at a far younger age - if anything I feel privileged to have lived at all) I can't help think my subconscious must be contributing to my developing anger issues.

Be kind to people as much as you can, you don't know what sort of things they're dealing with under the surface.

My ex husband used to say “I lose my temper then two minutes later I’ve forgotten’
He may have done but the victim won’t have forgotten.

Mostly upbringing sadly - people are brought up in homes with shouting, aggression as management, adults taking out their frustrations by swearing, hitting or threatening.

Anger management is sometimes useful in helping people to manage better interactions with others but in a lot of cases, it’s often a fig leaf for an actual abusive personality who has no intention of stopping being abusive and enjoys upsetting others.

The difference is that most people do not enjoy being angry or upsetting others and want to change or manage it. Abusive people say “no. I don’t have to do anything. You deserve to get my anger”.

bombastix · Today 12:14
Mostly upbringing sadly - people are brought up in homes with shouting, aggression as management, adults taking out their frustrations by swearing, hitting or threatening.

My father was an angry alcoholic and it had the opposite effect on my siblings and me - we were all determined that our children wouldn’t experience that sort of anger.

We do tend to see anger as negative but it depends on the trigger, if someone tries to rob you your anger is natural and healthy, it's constant simmering anger that damages. Why is mixed, trauma, bad parents, even entitlement can make people hard to live with but they should get therapy to help them and not pass it on to the next generation. It's a reason, not an excuse Op, you don't have to tolerate it.
@immalesorry that's a bloody hard thing to live with, I hope you find some peace

I’m really pleased to hear that. In many cases I think children adopt the other behaviour, anger and abuse to cope with these environments. Generational trauma is a massive problem; you need a lot of self awareness as you describe to not do the same patterning

That was my biggest wake up call and when I seriously started working at it.Hearing my mother coming out of my mouth. I was better already but still allowed myself to blow every now and then. Like a purge in a way. However, I didn't want DD to ever feel like I did again.

Someone at work told me that we get angry when people contravene our „lights“ ie you ought to be organised, work hard be competent etc because that’s what I do and what I value. It’s also sometimes anger that we are anxious perfectionists and they are just not and they are getting away with it!!

it’s hard but you being angry is not changing anything other than spiking your cortisol so deep breaths etc. I’m reading a book on stoicism to see if that helps. Also remember the nobody dies everyone goes home mantra when you are ready to kill Brian from accounts for fucking up that spreadsheet yet again.

the feeling superior thing I can’t get my head round sorry as I don’t suffer from that but your value doesn’t come from being organised at work that doesn’t make you better , I did read a book that said rather than seeing it as a ladder where you are higher see it as a vertical line. Everyone has value.

In many cases I think children adopt the other behaviour, anger and abuse to cope with these environments.

yes I’m sure that’s right. However my father’s anger was largely due to alcoholism and I think that is inherited.
Although my father was angry us children were not permitted to show negative emotions - all part of the walking on eggshells.
I think it’s bad to constantly repress anger but nonetheless it taught me to control my temper.

I have someone in my life who has a very short fuse and hence trying to understand more.

You really don't have to "understand" you are allowed boundaries - to walk way for short or much longer term.

It's harder if it's your child - but even there you are not someone's emotional punching bag and are allowed to try for boundaries.

That is true @TorroFerney. You are right. My frustration changes nothing. I will try and remind myself of that in the future.

Often if you have an angry parent you will copy it because you think it’s normal.

My dad had a hair trigger temper and struggled to moderate frustration. He wasn’t abusive and it wasn’t trauma I just grew up thinking that was how people behave.

There's a whole mixture of reasons and yeah you can try and understand it or try and pathologise it in some way but some people are just arseholes. They're self entitled, self important and anger has previously worked so they exploit it further.

I had a parent who didn't recognsie her own anger because she expresses it passively through silent treatments and cold shoulders. She believes that my hurt reaction to that is anger. So once I SAW that, I became triggered by her belief that she wasn't angry and that I was !! so @Thepeopleversuswork I am newly reactive. I used to swallow the injustice back down because I didn't even understand that this was something I needed to protect myself from but lately I've been unable to do that. I went to a therapis and asked her to make me less reactive but she told me to be more self-compassionate to myself wrt my reactivity. I am still struggling with it. Every time I see either of my parents I feel so much rage it's impossible to 'sit' on it like I did for fifty years. That's what they want back though, that version of me that never had any reaction to anything. I hope I'll be able to contain my feelings better, in time before they die. Really hard though. It's so basic, like totally amygdala.

Just saying another thanks for the further comments. As another poster mentioned for their situation I also don’t tolerate any of the outbursts. Some things in life changed, more challenges, and these new challenges brought this side of that person that was sleeping.

There is nothing worrying happening (I will add at the moment as who knows how new situations might change already vulnerable people) but I’m questioning how tolerant and understanding do I want to be as it takes extra effort.

My ex was a rager. Just anger and red mist from head to toe.

His mother abused then abandoned him and both of his parents were alcoholics. So to me, Philip Larkin’s This Be The Verse became a mantra throughout my marriage (which died fortunately. It needed to!).

Depends what you mean by 'anger management issues'.

Anger in a justified situation is perfectly normal. Seems today in modern society the slightest hint of a raised voice or normal anger has everyone screaming that the person needs anger management. #BeKind and all that crap. Sometimes that's just inappropriate.

Anger is also healthy - get out your feelings rather than bottling them up and in the right kind of situation (child misbehaving badly for example) it is no bad thing for the person causing the anger to be aware that they have caused anger and upset.

Extreme prolonged anger about everything is a different issue though - I think overcrowding generally is a big issue (too many people on this small island) people encroaching your space has been shown to make people more angry and you get this everywhere - overcrowded hospitals, bars, waiting rooms, traffic jams.
Social media is also normalising a lot of weird behaviour as well.

If you find out how to do that let me know!! I was saying to a colleague that the cortisol that floods me when irked with work is equivalent to that experienced by a cavewoman running away from a lion. That’s not healthy!

Barefootsally · 15/06/2024 20:39
Generational trauma or trauma

Does every characteristic have to be caused by childhood experiences? Aren’t some people just born with these characteristics?
I am naturally lazy. I work because the bills have to be paid and I do housework because it has to be done.
However if I was rich and didn’t have to work and had someone to do housework for me I could very easily sit around all day reading, interspersed with trips to beautiful places abroad.
However I don’t think I’m lazy because of my upbringing or anything that happened to me.

Fleetwood.

With good reason.

Not comparable.

I don't think you understand it @Southwestten - and I don't mean that horribly. Some people have personality traits, and there will be a window of tolerance, of course, but growing up where anger was normalised or you experienced trauma is different to just being lazy. Anger is often born from fear, resentment, frustration or uncertainty. Trauma or ongoing stress will impact that. I'm sure some people are, but I don't think the majority of people are born angry. And like I said, anger isn't the primary emotion for me at least.