Where do people with anger management issues come from?

[RosaLinn]

MN is most likely not the place that will give some valid statistics, but do people have experiences with angry people? That type that actually need intervention?

What is that anger caused by?

@Atethehalloweenchocs yeh, I have partly bought in to my family's narrative that MUCK RAKE IS ANGRY
I am. I agree. But with them. Not generally.

After years and years of emotional abuse and manipulation at the hands of others, people can just explode! Then they are the ' nutjobs' the ' angry one '. When in reality, they aren't. They are the victims of narcissistic bullies very often.

Ha Ha! @LadyMuckRake. I feel you. It is a really powerful dismissal tactic to say someone is an angry person to discount everything they say. Its often interesting to point you that you are not angry with anyone else but them - ime, this throws them!

The thing is my sibling knows there's medication for his anger issues. He just bloody doesn't take it. So the rest of us have to suffer. I'm so close to going no contact.

Trauma.
Attachment.

@illlustratedmum sorry it wasn't a very detailed reply. I still think therapy would be the best way to go. I did do it on my own, but it took years of unhealthy coping mechanism first, and then even more years to be in a good place and in control. It still rears its head now and then but it doesn't boil over anymore. It's incredibly difficult though, and you'd have an easier and more likely to succeed journey with the help of a trained professional that can give you tools and alternative healthy coping mechanisms, while at the same time tackling the root issues.

Started from childhood trauma. Now it's just pure selfishness

I have ASD and believe my anger own stems from frustration, often due entirely to mis-communication and mis-understandings but otherwise due to a lifetime of being put down by incompetent and narcissistic bullying men (at work and at home). I admit I have become somewhat arrogant in my old age and cannot tolerate the idiots I encounter in day-to-day life any more!

My DS has similar issues unfortunately so we often end up getting angry with each other - always as a result of mis-communication or because one or other of us has mis-understood something! Outside the family, my anger is much better controlled and my DS has got much better at managing his, and he has learned to stay away from his triggers such as excessive alcohol.

Yes @Pantaloons99 , I have 2 siblings who have reacted to all the shit when we were growing up by deciding that anything that is not exactly as they want is a good reason to explode with anger, and who take zero responsibility for managing themselves. It is exhausting, highly detrimental to everyones MH, and puts them in permanent victim mode so they can claim preferential treatment at all times to 'make up' for it. How that works when they are claiming preferential treatment to a sibling who also experienced horrific events, I have never been able to get my head around. If you ever push back, you get a litany of why it was worse for them - even though I was far younger and more vulnerable and at some point they all fucked off to save themselves and left me alone with it. I am not someone who is supportive of family estrangements in general, but sometimes it is the only sane solution before they take you down with them.

Generational trauma or trauma

Hormones. I'm surprised no one has mentioned them. I actually think hormones are still little understood, and yet I'm sure they are accountable for a lot more of human behaviour than we give them credit for.

Meant to add behaviour and emotions

Oh yes! Of course.

I've been enraged more than ever with each cycle and impending menopause.

I don’t really understand what you are asking.
Everyone has experiences with angry people, everyone gets angry sometimes. It’s not a pathology. It can be a symptom of it but not in and of itself.
Sometimes people who struggle to manage anger, struggle to regulate emotions generally for different reasons.
Not all people who struggle to manage feelings of anger are aggressive and not all aggression is necessary connected to anger.
What do you mean by “intervention”?

Trauma and brain damage. Trauma does actually cause damage to some of the centres in the brain.

Depression can present as being angry and irritable. Not all depressives present as quiet and withdrawn, which is the common belief.

Neurodiversity can involve angry meltdowns caused by stress and frustration with difficulties being able to communicate in the moment.

Once when England lost at football people came streaming out of various pubs on George Street and attacked a passing tram. 🫠

When I think of the simmering, raging douche bags I've known in my life, football is top of their triggers list

I've thought of another one - I don't walk around raging but my emotional regulation is definitely impacted significantly by my severe chronic health conditions. I really can find the pain and stress so awful that I am intolerant. I could be triggered to anger much more than another.
Despite that,I feel I'm generally more controlled and less enraged than many of the posters I see on MN 🤷‍♀️😆. And I'm in non stop unrelenting pain. It's all quite complex.

Thanks for all the responses, especially the people who shared their own struggles. I have someone in my life who has a very short fuse and hence trying to understand more.

They are in general controlled and have a lot of good qualities but really short temper. And they did have some therapy but are too private to share too much.

If you're talking about a partner, unless they are willing to share, be upfront and get all the help they can to improve the situation then just walk away. You aren't anyone's emotional punching bag. Neither are your kids/future kids. You haven't caused any of the possible previous trauma so you shouldn't have to deal with the consequences of it or take responsibility for it.

Tbh the same applies for a family member or friend. Distance yourself.

😂😂

There is no single answer. It could be brain damage, neurochemical, learned, a response to stress, a deliberate tactic, cultural, dissatisfaction with their lives.

What I will say is that people are more likely to indulge their anger if they can do so without negative consequences to themselves, and more likely to manage it somewhat if it will cost them.

Childhood. Someone I knew was slapped about if things weren't done his dad's way within seconds. Everything had to be perfect. There'd be sheer panic if something went wrong or broke in the house.

This person was riddled with anxiety and angst throughout his life but overcame a stutter.

I never used to be angry. Now I am. I've turned into Victor Meldrew. I've got a superiority complex aswell.

I do accounts for a living and I'm naturally organised, make loads of lists, very rarely forget anything, very rarely make a mistake, so my job is is quite easy and comes naturally to me.

I'm basically quite confident and quite good at my job and if I do make a mistake, which is very rare, I have no problem saying sorry about that. My mistake. I'll get it sorted asap. Easy.

My frustrations stem from other people who seem incapable of doing their job properly to any reasonable level.

Eg, hospitals. Or any area of my medical history. In all my medical areas at the hospital they lose my notes. They lose my referral. They claim the referrals were not sent, digitally, which I can easy disprove.

people claim that certain things were said that can't have been said. when I eventually investigate and get evidence, they don't like it! they refuse to back down and it's just an absolute shambles.

and I'm thinking , how do these people get away with this? You know I would be sacked if I made this many mistakes in my job.

and I find everybody else's incompetence extremely infuriating.

Is that anger? How am I supposed to get over it?