To be annoyed about neighbour giving DD alcohol

[Trumpett]

DD11 told me that when she was at a recent BBQ next door, the Mum gave her and her friend a WKD to share.

Now I’m not totally opposed to kids having a try of alcoholic drinks, I grew up being allowed a weak shandy at a party or a tiny wine and lemonade with a meal. I believe if you totally deny kids of something they’ll just do it behind your back, so I’d rather my kids feel they can be honest with me and I know what they’re up to.

But, my neighbour doesn’t know my feelings around my kids drinking alcohol. She’s only 11, I wouldn’t mind her tasting a WKD but I’m not comfortable with her having half a bottle without me even knowing. She’s never had alcohol before, she’s never shown any interest in it or any desire to try it.

For context and so I’m not drip feeding - we’ve lived next door to our neighbours for 5 years, our daughters are a similar age so they’re close friends. DH and I get on with Mum & Dad, we’re ‘mates’ but I wouldn’t call them true friends. I was at home working at the time so a quick text or knock on the door “is it ok if X has a bit of WKD?” Wouldn’t have gone a miss. I’m not sure what my answer would have been but I just feel like it’s not ok to give kids alcohol without checking with the parents first.

Interested to know other parents thoughts on this to provide some perspective. I’m not sure how annoyed I should be, on one hand it’s only a small amount of alcohol, but to me it feels like the Mum has broken my trust as I would never give her DD11 alcohol.

Since you live next door, you can’t really say anything - that could cause a hostile neighbour situation.

Instead, continue to educate your child around alcohol and everything she may face as a teenager. It sounds as though you have done the right thing so far, as she told you what happened.

Maybe because it’s full of sugar and colourings, and perhaps her daughter was allowed one as a treat (so they bought one) and that meant she had to share?

I would speak to the neighbour but assume it was non alcoholic for now.

Most 11 year-olds will dislike the taste of alcohol and won’t have more than a couple of sips. So I wouldn’t be too concerned about the alcohol itself.

But I wouldn’t like someone to presume it was ok to give my child alcohol. It’s overstepping.

My son is 15 but we’ve never had any situation like this with him. He’s really into his health and fitness and looks down his nose at anybody who drinks anything other than water 😂 He literally rolls his eyes, and i think if I listened really carefully, I may even hear a tut from him if I order a glass of wine in a restaurant 😂

It must have been the non-alcoholic variety. For a TEACHER, even out of school hours, even if she doesn't teach your child, even if she works at a completely different school, to give an 11 year old alcohol would be a suspension at the very least, if not a sacking. She'd be NUTS to do this. Its even questionable to give something that gave the children the impression was alcohol. I'm stunned she's a teacher - she should know what a risk to her job this would be. I can only think it must be non-alcoholic.

Tell your daughter not to drink alcohol again without your permission

I totally agree that 11 is inappropriate for any alcohol. Especially WKD, it’s like vaping vs smoking- giving something with a sweet taste so it doesn’t seem that bad.

This post did give me a giggle though. I get what you mean but I’m just imagining the daughter in 30 years time ringing her mum for permission to have a glass of wine in the evening 🤣.

Ok, I get it
Your daughter was not at all at fault as she is a CHILD!!!
So what are you going to do about it??

Just to be clear as not to go in flying - are you certain it was an adult drink??
If yes, then a slightly more robust approach and if not, start off asking.

The so-called "adult" is the child in this case

Also, them being a "teacher," TBH, I'd report them to be on the safe side. Even if its a one off - the school wont tell you but they will have any previous records of possibly same or different poor practices, practices that are against the law

I can safely assume the OP and the dad automatically instill what is seen as general knowledge into their kids heads - kids will be kids and she is only 11

I'd go spare ! You'll have to go around and speak to her. If it was alcohol then I'd never leave my chikd in their company again and she'd get an earful.

I feel like this would be fine for two 15/16 year old if both sets of parents are in agreement but 11 is just ridiculous. I would be fuming.

Not sure how to vote... Both your neighbour and yourself are ridiculous considering giving alcopop to a kid.

the law is different and in the uk not illegal

i understand its omg at 11, but under the uk law they are legal in a private setting its only pubs/shops etc that its 18+

Did you know she was at the BBQ? Did you know there would be alcohol?

Prior to allowing your 11 year old to go to such a social gathering did you have a conversation with your neighbour?

11 IS way to young for a taste.. and yes a conversation needs to be had along the lines of, please don't allow her to have alcohol again and please speak to me about it.

There's no need to fall out, maybe your neighbour considers your friendship to be closer than you do and assumed (wrongly) you'd be ok with it

I think it's pretty reasonable if op assumed that her 11 year old daughter wouldn't be given alcohol at a neighbour's bbq - it certainly wouldn't occur to me to say she can't have any.

I’d ask to be sure. Perhaps it was the alcohol free version and she only had one bottle so gave it to them to share?

@wutheringkites ... I absolutely would not let my 11 year old attend a social gathering without me if I knew there was alcohol! So if my 11 year old came to me and asked 'can I go' I'd have questions.

I don't agree that the child was maybe given alcohol.

Yes to this.

Find out what happened. Tell her it is never to happen again. You can tell her you disapprove of underage drinking.

Have a chat with your child about accepting opened drinks and about refusing drinks that are offered, even by adults who are authority figures, politely but firmly. Practice scenarios with her that include drinks, cigarettes/ vapes, and pills/ other substances. It's sad to have to start so young but better to be prepared.

If this woman really knowingly provided alcohol to her own child and to yours, believe me, you do not want to be close to this family in the coming teenage years. They need to know where you stand. Be polite but firm.

You are absolutely right to be furious - no one should be offering your 11 year old child alcohol at all and very specifically without your knowledge.

The other parent should be very cautious not to do this as they could lead themselves open to all kinds of accusations - yes, of course, in this instance it could well be an "innocent" social interaction. BUT, taking an extreme view, there could a safeguarding potential here also - But then I'm always overly cautious in this regard.

11!!!! I'd be incandescent with rage.

I didn't know there was non-alcoholic wkd. Looks like it's just the blue one and it comes in cans.

I would be furious but I would also want to verify that that is what she actually had. I'd have thought that a half unit of alcohol would have an effect on an 11 year old and you'd know she'd had it. A child with alcohol on them would be very vulnerable.

Perhaps, if you showed your daughter the bottles on their website, she could show you which one she had.

If she did have alcohol I don't think you should let her go back to that house.

This is what I was thinking - extremely peculiar for a teacher to do this.

In terms of what I would do, I would have to speak to the parent and would not let my child go to their house unsupervised in future as people who give alcohol to children are not to be trusted.

And in general - there is a longstanding myth that giving kids a small amount of alcohol helps them drink more sensibly - this is total bollocks. Research in this area shows kids who drink earlier with parental approval are more likely to drink more and at a younger age.

I never said anything about it being illegal.

Any teacher giving alcohol to an 11 year old would have a VERY difficult time convincing the Teaching Regulation Agency it was reasonable conduct and they weren't "bringing the profession into disrepute". It doesn't matter whether or not it's on school premises or the teacher is the teacher of the child, it's likely to be gross misconduct in a Teacher's contract and standards of employment. There's more responsibility to being a teacher than just not-doing-illegal-stuff 🤣