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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask to see his bank account?

27 replies

Idosometimes · 15/06/2024 09:18

Ok, I know how that sounds so I'll try to give as much background as possible.

My OH and I were together for over 10 years. We have a DD together, split two years ago for various reasons. He moved in with a family member (rent free). Over time and a lot pleading on his part we have been trying to work things out and see how things go while still living separately. The time is coming when he will move back into the family home but his finances are playing on my mind. He's always been very fair and paid over what he needs to pay for child maintenance plus will buy anything our DD needs if I'm struggling. He's not tight and will help out with food if he stays over and will lend me money if I need it. Apart from his general personal outgoings (mobile phone, gym, that type of thing). He gets over 2K a month. He has no money at the end of the month and has no savings. When we first split he took out a high interest loan to go on holiday which he ended up telling me about 6 months ago or so. In the past he's had gambling struggles and alcohol issues and when he left he was in a largish overdraft. We've discussed how finances will work when he moves back in but I just cannot get my head around him not having any money when he's had so much income to himself. I don't want to get back into a situation where things could go wrong because I don't want to confuse DD anymore than she has already endured. I don't believe he's gambling anymore but things just aren't adding up.

AIBU to ask to see his bank account?

OP posts:
Beautifulbythebay · 15/06/2024 09:19

He sounds a delight... Why the hell are you having him back??

WingsofRain · 15/06/2024 09:21

Absolutely don’t get back together with this man under any circumstances, you did the right thing by splitting up.

IsabelleHuppert · 15/06/2024 09:22

Don’t restart the relationship. It doesn’t sound as if anything much has changed.

WithACatLikeTread · 15/06/2024 09:24

I bet he has loads of money stashed away.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 15/06/2024 09:27

Hi money, his choice

Before I'm attacked by shit stirring lot ie the same people that attack me when I tell them that marriage, living to together is a partnership and ones money is the others monet etc - think about it - was I right all along.

OP, you have been together for 10 years and if you both have not been open to the other - its not really a partnership IMO

Frasers · 15/06/2024 09:28

What now, why’s he moving back into the family home?

Superscientist · 15/06/2024 09:29

Would you show him yours?

My partner and I are quite transparent when it comes to money I wouldn't have a problem with it. What we do at the moment which maybe the compromise is have a joint spreadsheet. We have a household tab which includes all of the family expenses and these come out of the joint account. It has both of our take home pay and we calculate what is a fair proportion of our respective salaries to pay in. My partner earns a little more than me so I think the current split is 53:47.
We have another tab which lists what money we each have in savings, which bank account and what the interest rate is and when that ends. We both own our cars outright and have no membership to factor in but I would add those to the personal finance page if we did. We checked probably every 3-4 months. We don't go through one another accounts with a fine tooth comb and he doesn't see what I spend my money on but we have oversight in the other persons savings and what as a family we can afford to do. For example we recently had some building work down and where deciding what needed to be done we made sure we both could afford our share. When we go on holiday is make sure it's something we both can afford.

Do you think something like this would give him some accountability and you some piece of mind whilst not being overly intrusive. I would be sorting this out before he moves back in to avoid further disruption

Sue152 · 15/06/2024 09:31

It sounds like he's a pretty good ex OH (well, while he's thinks there's a chance of getting you back anyway) but I wouldn't confuse that with him being a good OH.

You know you can't completely trust him which is why you want to look at his bank accounts. You know things don't add up and don't know where his money is going. You know he has gambling and alcohol issues. He's now pushing and pushing you to let him move back in when you're obviously not ready. Addicts tend to be convincing liars and manipulators. I think for your DD's sake moving him in right now would be a very bad idea.

Relationships should be built on trust. Has he had professional help to deal with his gambling and alcohol issues?

Original poster
Idosometimes · 15/06/2024 09:39

@Superscientist We coasted along as we were before becoming parents - he paid the rent, I took care of everything else and the rest of our money was our own. I realised when considering joining back together that we need to pool our income to keep it simple and fair. The plan is to have a joint account for all bills and savings and then split personal money down the middle.

P.S Yes, I would show him mine.

OP posts:
Superscientist · 15/06/2024 09:44

Idosometimes · 15/06/2024 09:39

@Superscientist We coasted along as we were before becoming parents - he paid the rent, I took care of everything else and the rest of our money was our own. I realised when considering joining back together that we need to pool our income to keep it simple and fair. The plan is to have a joint account for all bills and savings and then split personal money down the middle.

P.S Yes, I would show him mine.

Edited

Well I think that is where you start. Transparency for joint finances and see if he squirms and comes up with blockers.

Then I show you mine, you show me yours.

I would be very cautious!

CharSiu · 15/06/2024 09:48

People can have multiple accounts so him showing you an account means nothing. I have dealings with three banks and building societies and it used to be four. Plus if you’re having to ask to see it means you don’t trust him, this relationship has no solid base and will fail.

Original poster
Idosometimes · 15/06/2024 09:52

@Sue152 He went to a few AA meetings. He's had counseling (we had some joint and the on the recommendation of the therapist, he had sperate sessions too).

We all say it but aside from the crap bits (that we all have) he's a fantastic father and he would do anything for us and he's a grafter. He's kind and caring with a big heart, but he is a bit of a man child. He's never really been held accountable or been shown how to deal with money in a healthy way.

It's difficult to explain a decade of why it's worth a shot when I'm honing in on a snippet of a grey area.

OP posts:
TipsyKoala · 15/06/2024 10:06

If you think you need to see his accounts it means you don’t/can’t trust him, in which case you shouldn’t be getting back together. What does he say he spends it on? Have you asked? If he won’t tell you or he’s evasive, again you shouldn’t be getting back together.

theemmadilemma · 15/06/2024 10:10

When now DH first moved in with me we did a show your statements thing. We were both honest with our finances and from there worked it all out fairly.

You can't have him back without that clarity.

CarpetSlipper · 15/06/2024 10:10

If you are doubting his ability to manage his own finances and not get into debt then why are you considering living with him?

Bjorkdidit · 15/06/2024 10:16

WithACatLikeTread · 15/06/2024 09:24

I bet he has loads of money stashed away.

Or he's spending it all on fun stuff for himself.

The OP mentions gambling, high interest loans to go on holiday, having no money left at the end of the month despite having a decent salary and no outgoings except his own food? plus child maintenance and gym/mobile, which all must add up to not even £1k pm?

So it sounds like if they live together again, it's going to be a struggle to get him to fairly contribute towards rent, bills, groceries, DC clothes etc unless he has a huge change in mindset regarding money and prioritising adult responsibilities over his own personal indulgences.

Coolblur · 15/06/2024 10:19

I think it won't change anything. You already know his faults yet have decided to have him back regardless of concrete proof that things have changed. Either you're having doubts, in which case don't move him back in and consider ending things, or you're going to proceed regardless of what he chooses to show you (or not).
Exes are that for a reason. This isn't someone you were with for a few weeks as a teenager. This is the father of your child, your ex long-term partner. You know him. Do you really think it's a good idea to be with him?

Bjorkdidit · 15/06/2024 10:19

Idosometimes · 15/06/2024 09:52

@Sue152 He went to a few AA meetings. He's had counseling (we had some joint and the on the recommendation of the therapist, he had sperate sessions too).

We all say it but aside from the crap bits (that we all have) he's a fantastic father and he would do anything for us and he's a grafter. He's kind and caring with a big heart, but he is a bit of a man child. He's never really been held accountable or been shown how to deal with money in a healthy way.

It's difficult to explain a decade of why it's worth a shot when I'm honing in on a snippet of a grey area.

Just to clarify he does work doesn't he? You say he 'gets' over £2k pm, presumably this is his salary?

If you do live together again, would he agree to setting up a standing order to pay an agreed contribution to all joint expenses, including towards annual and irregular expenses like school uniforms, Christmas, family holidays etc and then he only has access to what's left, to be spent on an 'when it's gone it's gone' basis, with no borrowing from you or anyone else?

DreadPirateRobots · 15/06/2024 10:21

I think you're mad to even contemplate letting him move back in, tbh. If he hasn't stopped being a man child at this point in his life, he never will, and you will never have the equal partner that you need. Bur if you are going to go ahead with this, then the very least you need to insist on is full oversight of his finances.

The fact that you need to treat him like a child to have a relationship with him is never not going to be a paradox and a problem, though.

Createausername1970 · 15/06/2024 10:30

I can't comment on whether getting back with him is the right thing to do.

But anyone contemplating moving in or marriage should have a very transparent conversation about how the partnership is going to be financed and whether both parties can meet their commitments. Doesn't mean you need to know how much they have stashed away, or what existing commitments they have, but you do need to know that they have enough disposable income to afford your future.

Ideally though, they will be transparent about everything, and if they are not then you take it from there.

LividPink · 15/06/2024 10:45

No no no.

Don't get back with him. Let the man child stay being a coparent knowing that WHEN (not if) he fucks up again you can carry on regardless. He'll drink or gamble YOUR money away next if you let him in. Stop.

Dontcallmescarface · 15/06/2024 12:15

Asking to see his bank statement will prove nothing if there are withdrawal transactions. How will you know what that cash was spent on? Simple rule of thumb.....if you don't trust him, don't get back with him.

MythosK · 15/06/2024 12:22

Has everyone missed the part where he provides over what he needs to for maintenance, pays for when she needs something and lends OP money?

ThrowawayUserName1 · 15/06/2024 13:00

Insist that his salary would be paid into a joint current account, along with your income/salary.
From the joint account you each get the same personal allowance transferred to your own current accounts, say a few hundred per month or whatever is affordable.
Also have a joint savings account for holidays, house repairs, etc.

Have a big discussion to be really clear what the joint account covers: household toiletries yes, your make up no. His clothes no, child's clothes yes. Child's days out yes, family days out yes, his hobbies no.
Will you have a joint car?

Monitor the joint current and insist he keeps all receipts for you to check for "tracking the household finances", e.g. is he getting his clothes or cashback at supermarkets? At the first sign of him abusing the joint account, have strong words. If it continues, break up again.

Expect him to go into debt on a personal credit card or overdrawn on his personal account - don't nag and don't bail him out.

Are you intending to buy a house together? Think carefully about whether you can trust him to not drag your down financially.

If this sounds like too much to deal with, don't let him move back in.

Winter2020 · 15/06/2024 14:20

I think you should also ask to see his credit report. That way you can check for credit cards, debts etc. You can show yours for fairness.