Fil smacked me on the bottom

[UsernameRandomA1]

Fil (it's dh step dad) offered to help decorate our living room. So I said yes since dh has dyspraxia and can't really help. When I was climbing up the ladder Fil smacked / spanked me on the bottom. I just froze for a second as I was speechless and then just carried on. I didn't say anything because I was shocked and am too socially anxious to say anything.

i told dh, and he didn't say much other than if it happens again he will say something.

AIBU to be annoyed and think it's a violation of my personal space, and very inappropriate of Fil?

I would have yelled “what the fuck do you think you are doing?” at the time. Seeing as that moment has passed, I would message MIL and say that you are appalled at her husband thinking it appropriate to smack your bum and as such, he is no longer welcome in your home. If she tries to play it down, I’d say the police may be interested in the matter. And have nothing to do with the creep forward.

Because he is from the 70s ... she should have called him out on it

My dad would have done the same not sexualised he would find it funny more slapstick humour

Its cringe but to passively accept it is more so

Make sure you pull him up in front of his dw....

However, OP is a big girl and should have said there and then - "please, never do that again." and told her DH and her mothers I bet the mother would have had a thing or two to say

So, why did you not say anything there and then or moments later or told mum??? Just asking

The feeble excuse you gave is just feeble

For the shit stirring lot - I'm not at all blaming the OP!!

It may have happend them but people have moved with the times or you not recognised that?

What kind of FiL slaps his DiL on the bum???

Dirty bastard....

Tell him he'd better not do it again as a swift kick often offends

"Why did you slap my arse the other day? Never, ever do that again ok?"

You bottom, your boundaries. Make a show of it in front of people. Look him dead in the eyes, serious face and wait for an answer.

If he makes a joke of it, say "it wasn't funny. Don't do it ever again"

He'd not be welcome in my house again. Fuck it being an "impulse". He did it because he thought he could get away with it. I have zero tolerance for this misogynistic bullshit and sexual assault. This is exactly what it is. He assaulted you.

Sounds like your DH is avoiding conflict but the tension is already there because of what your FIL did.

If you feel comfortable, raise it yourself with FIL telling him never ever to touch you again. Hopefully DH will support you even if he can't bring himself to say anything.

I would have responded to him as though he was a naughty child "umm no thank you!" If he makes a habit of it I'd rip him to shreds but if it was a one off impulse mistake on his part I'd get over it and move on. There are bigger things in life to worry about

Yes I agree, my fil gad dementia and he started to do and say strange things. Uncomfortable as it was I just had to remember it wasn't him it was his illness. He has died now and I miss the cantankerous old git

It was sexual assault. Not a joke and no less sexual assault even if "on an impulse." Can't believe the minimizing going on here. Actually, looking at some posters' other contributions it's sadly all too believable.

OP - I'd tell your DP you won't have FIL in the house again unless a very explicit apology is forthcoming.

Absolutely unacceptable but like others, I would have called it out then and there. I don't need a man to speak for me if I think something is not acceptable.
Also I have Dyspraxia and I can 100% decorate, I just get covered in paint and it takes me a bit longer (missing point of thread with this one I know)....

@UsernameRandomA1 ignore all the i would have said this people. My response would have also been to freeze and say nothing, as we have been conditioned to accept this behaviour but what a worrying amount of posters have said. I’m sorry your DH has not got your back either.
I would tell DH that your FIL isn’t allowed back and that he needs to suggest he goes to the Gp for a dementia assessment.

You need to stick up for yourself, tell him you were appalled and that it’s assault. There was a thread last year about a fil doing the same and the dil was appalled. The family was not particularly bothered and I think she’s gone nc with her in laws. Personally, I’d be disgusted and would have instinctively kicked out, hopefully connecting to his face. Hope you’re ok.

You need to find your anger and protect your personal space. It's totally unacceptable from FIL. I'd have turned round and said "what the actual fuck do you think you are doing?" If he left them so be it.

Hi OP, I would have found it frightening too, and frozen at the time..

However, you do need to find a way of learning to protect your body, and maybe you could start by reading up on assertiveness skills etc?
Imagine you had a daughter and saw him smack HER backside, what would you say then?
As women we are conditioned not to stand up for ourselves.
Your natural dependence on your husband to defend you shows you have not learned skills like that (yet). If you allow this to pass, he will learn that you are silently compliant and carry on.
You need a few planned phrases in your head, to say if he does this again.
Something like 'Dont touch me I DONT LIKE BEING TOUCHED'
or 'I will tell your wife if you touch me again' (more confrontational).
It certainly doesn't help to have rafts of women in this thread saying how immediately assertive they would have been and what they would have said. Not all of us find it easy.

Being personally assertive is something you can learn though, so good luck, you can do it.

Have you done this thread before op it very familiar.

How TF was it ‘just a joke’? Why are people still saying this in 2024?!!

OP, of course it was unacceptable and creepy. I think you need to confront him before too much more time passes by. Failing that, DH, given it is his dad.

Raise the subject in front of MIL and see how she reacts
And tell him that if he ever lays a finger on you again, you'll be handing out a swift kick in the nuts and then reporting him to the police

How old is he? If this behaviour is new it could be a symptom of something. Sudden Inappropriate behaviour sometimes is.

Sorry, that is sexual assault. Uninvited , inappropriate touching!!
Please say the above to him, in front of your MIL and don’t take him up on any further help with redecoration.

Don't expect your MIL to go against her pig of a husband.

Been there, done that.

She'll call you crazy/be in denial about her shithead spouse/call you a harlot etc etc

Mine once pinched my bum with a monkey wrench/ pliers sort of thing, it didn't hurt but I screamed and made a huge fuss, as if it was a small boy joke gone wrong, so my exh, and exmother in law noticed, and shoted at him. He never did anything like that again, to me, in 22 years.