To be furious with MIL

[Thaw2024]

My 6 yo DD was recently in hospital (last week) for a week with an unknown, frightening bacterial infection that totally floored her. She had a temp in the 40s for 10 days straight and we are all slightly traumatised by the ordeal. Thankfully she is okay now and was back to school this week.

Whatever it was we are quite sure that she caught it at her step cousins bday party as he was also very unwell right up until the day before the party and the illness followed the same pattern, apart from my DD ending up in hospital with it. I have some feelings around the party going ahead but anyway we live and learn (!)

Monday comes along and I have work so I drop my 8 month old to MIL in the morning. She proceeds to tell me that her baby step cousin who she also looks after on a Monday has had D&V but seems okay now, she tells me that baby step cousins mum (same mum as the boy who had the bday party) expressed concern about this but she told her not to worry that these things happen and kids are just going to pass stuff to each other. I ask her directly at this point if baby with D&V is in the clear and she says he hasn’t been symptomatic since Saturday. I find out when I pick baby up that he’s been unwell that day.

So now 6yo DD1, 8 month old DD2 and me all have a sick bug. All with low grade temp, body aches, nausea, diarrhea.

I’m just so fucked off that I was not given the heads up about this so that I could make a choice as a parent. I’m not usually a helicopter parent but the hospital stay really frightened me and I thinks it’s so selfish and thoughtless to not even mention this considering DD1s immunity is going to be low at this point, I don’t want to risk her going downhill again so soon and this is now the 4th weekend in a row that she’s missed football practise which she is heartbroken about.

im just sitting and stewing at this point thinking of all the cross words I want to send to her on WhatsApp but I haven’t and I don’t know if I need talking off a ledge or not. I don’t blame DH’s stepsister for this because it’s my MIL I am entrusting to be thoughtful when taking care of the children. I just wish she’d at least given us the heads up instead of casually mentioning when I’d already driven her there. Hopefully this’ll be a mild illness and we’ll all be okay but I’m anxious about DD1 in the meantime 😢

Silence is golden and there would be a lot more silence in future for your MIL. She would never so much as look after a cat for me, let alone a child. I would talk to your husband and present a united front.

I can see why you’re angry with MIL but I also think you are angry with yourself.

She told you when you arrived. You chose to leave your child there knowing that there was a sick/recovering child. Yes, more notice would’ve been better but it was still ultimately on you to decide to leave your child there.

Don’t send anything or blow up the relationship but do make a decision going forward on your childcare arrangements. Perhaps you need to find alternative care? Perhaps a text in a week or so asking MIL to give more notice about sickness in the household as this latest illness really hit your household hard.

You are totally right, I am angry with myself for making that decision not to have left there and then. Tbh regardless of whether I’d done that I’d still be angry that she’d wasted my time driving there, not having had the opportunity to make alternative plans rather than just sending a quick text to let me know.

I also think you are angry with yourself.
Unfortunately your MIL may be well meaning but she is not to be trusted.
I don't believe this thing of let the bugs go round. No one needs D&V. Your daughter just out from hospital certainly doesn't.
Don't send the WhatsApp, but maybe rethink childcare.

You will have to find someone you trust to provide your child care. Sometimes that means paying for it, but at least you have control.

The first incident is nothing to do with mil. You don't know for sure dc caught it there and you chose to attend. No one could have known how awful this would be for your dc.

The second incident I would be annoyed about. Mil should have said no to cousin.

Id either say nothing and consider other childcare although tbf in nursery many children will be sent in ill. Staff may also feel pressured to work when ill.

Or ask her not to have ill dc and you won't send yours when ill

I would be hacked off about this too TBH. The problem is unless you can stay home when they are ill ,what can you do? I am a retired Nursery Nurse and illness is part of life there! Going forward say to MIL that you would rather be told in future of any illness ,And you will do the same .Sadly though this is part of life with kids!

I'm presuming that you don't pay MIL for looking after your kids and that she is doing you a massive favour by providing free childcare. As she is to SSIL by still caring for her child when no other childcare setting would. She isn't going to adhere to the same guidelines as a school or nursery. And this might actually work in your favour in the future when your children are sick but you cannot afford to take the time off work.

If you don't like how she does things, then you need to make alternative arrangements. But I think if you blow up at MIL, all that will happen is MIL won't be willing to help you out in future.

I'd be fucked off at MIL as well. In fact my PIL never babysat for this reason. My eldest had medical issues and MIL was very 'tra la la, germs build immunity' against medical advice.

The time to make your point was on her doorstep. You were warned and you agreed to the terms when you dropped her there.

You should have said then and there 'I'm not comfortable with that, I'll be taking DD home if that's the case.' Turned on your heel and left.

Then MIL would be spreading the word for you and the family would know that it's not acceptable.

But you accepted it. It's hard when you're put on the spot.

Don't send a PA text message - call MIL and say that you need to be more cautious about illness now. She can babysit whom she chooses but you would like an earlier heads up when there have been bugs about because you'll be keeping DD home.

Nursery wouldn't be any better for germs so MIL might be the lesser of two evils.

Yes, she ought to have told you in advance. Ultimately, it was your decision and you chose to leave the baby there

Agree with other posters, more notice would have been better but ultimately you did know and still chose to leave your child there.

It’s a difficult one because you could absolutely take control and start putting your child in nursery rather than using MIL for childcare but as others have said, it’s terrifying how many children get sent into nursery with cold/flu/vomitting etc, so it’s a case of taking the chance of 1 ill child with MIL or mixing with potentially 25 children at nursery who are poorly. MIL is right to an extent, kids do pass everything to each other and then bring it home to share with their family as well, the joys!

I’d be furious too. Yes, children infect each other with all kinds of things, but surely all right-thinking people would try to protect babies from D&V bugs.

I wouldn’t say anything to MIL because it’s probably pointless, but I would look into alternative childcare. I’d want my child to be looked after by someone who was on the same page as me about illnesses and risk.

You were warned the child was ill and yet you left your baby there. She warned you.

So sorry. My ds2 was in hospital with flu as a baby because someone took their poorly child out somewhere. Your MIL might still be the best choice of childcare though as many nurseries are far worse for germs and bugs.

But you left the baby there knowing she was going to potentially be exposed to illness.

You can always pay for childcare if you're not happy with MIL.

She told you when you arrived. You chose to leave your child there knowing that there was a sick/recovering child. Yes, more notice would’ve been better but it was still ultimately on you to decide to leave your child there. this - it's on you

I bloody hate people like the step cousin's parents who are determined to parade their sick children around, tossing germs like confetti.

Selfish twattish behaviour.

Keep sick children home FFS.

OP, going forward I'd call ahead before any social thing with them and just check that everyone is well.

If you arrive and they are sick, then don't get upset, just say unfortunately your family needs to go, as you're trying to avoid illness.

If your kid was in nursery you wouldn't have got a heads up on the door

I feel abit for your MiL. All.thrse germy kids being sent for her to care for. Hope her immune system is strong!

Yep.

His family clearly have terrible judgement and therefore cant be trusted.

Does she look after your children when they’re ill

No, if either of the children have been unwell we keep them at home until they are better. We certainly wouldn’t in this specific situation knowing there’s another baby there we’d be exposing an illness to

This. Plus you Were told.

Pay for childcare and you'll see worse and they get more bugs.

OP also just want to say I do understand and am sorry that you had a difficult situation with your daughter and am glad she is out of the woods.

But on this occasion I would say shouting at MIL would be the wrong thing to do.

Has mil not got sick?

She sounds stupid and untrustworthy, I wouldn't be using her as childcare anymore.