To be furious with MIL

[Thaw2024]

My 6 yo DD was recently in hospital (last week) for a week with an unknown, frightening bacterial infection that totally floored her. She had a temp in the 40s for 10 days straight and we are all slightly traumatised by the ordeal. Thankfully she is okay now and was back to school this week.

Whatever it was we are quite sure that she caught it at her step cousins bday party as he was also very unwell right up until the day before the party and the illness followed the same pattern, apart from my DD ending up in hospital with it. I have some feelings around the party going ahead but anyway we live and learn (!)

Monday comes along and I have work so I drop my 8 month old to MIL in the morning. She proceeds to tell me that her baby step cousin who she also looks after on a Monday has had D&V but seems okay now, she tells me that baby step cousins mum (same mum as the boy who had the bday party) expressed concern about this but she told her not to worry that these things happen and kids are just going to pass stuff to each other. I ask her directly at this point if baby with D&V is in the clear and she says he hasn’t been symptomatic since Saturday. I find out when I pick baby up that he’s been unwell that day.

So now 6yo DD1, 8 month old DD2 and me all have a sick bug. All with low grade temp, body aches, nausea, diarrhea.

I’m just so fucked off that I was not given the heads up about this so that I could make a choice as a parent. I’m not usually a helicopter parent but the hospital stay really frightened me and I thinks it’s so selfish and thoughtless to not even mention this considering DD1s immunity is going to be low at this point, I don’t want to risk her going downhill again so soon and this is now the 4th weekend in a row that she’s missed football practise which she is heartbroken about.

im just sitting and stewing at this point thinking of all the cross words I want to send to her on WhatsApp but I haven’t and I don’t know if I need talking off a ledge or not. I don’t blame DH’s stepsister for this because it’s my MIL I am entrusting to be thoughtful when taking care of the children. I just wish she’d at least given us the heads up instead of casually mentioning when I’d already driven her there. Hopefully this’ll be a mild illness and we’ll all be okay but I’m anxious about DD1 in the meantime 😢

I agree with PP. MIL isn’t trustworthy and she wouldn’t be looking after my DC again.

I think your anger is misdirected.

MIL had nothing to do with stepcousin’s bday party and it is not likely the step cousin was contagious then anyway. Many illnesses follow the same pattern without being the same illness- think of the common cold, flu and Covid for example. All the same pattern, but different viruses of differing severity.

MIL did give you a heads up. She likely didn’t know until Monday morning either. You decided to leave your child anyway. And that is ok, most D&V can be avoided from being passed on by practicing good hygiene and keeping sick baby separate from well child.

Even with paid nursery and school, parents often send sick children in and you don’t even have a clue when you drop your child off. Children will be dosed with calpol and the parent will act surprised when they vomit all over their classmates.

i understand the hospital visit was frightening and has put you on high alert, but I see no reason to be angry towards your MIL or even yourself.

Tbf she did tell you. She just minimised it and you made a judgement call.

I think I wouldn't be trusting her word again though. Sounds like you've all been through the mill. Feel better.

If the alternative is nursery, she can expect even more illness

Can you not just use cousin rather than the completely unnecessary to the story step-cousin.
Just pay for nursery but be warned that is bugtastic.

Your MIL certainly can't be trusted and I would end using her as childcare.

As for you, you really need a chance to unwind and catch your breath. The situation with your 6 year old was terrifying. It is definitely going to take time for you to recover emotionally from that. I had a similar experience with my son when he was four and it was incredibly traumatic.