Is it normal to not feel fully content? Advice appreciated please!

[Mammytofour]

Hello! I’m a first time poster although have read posts on mn for ages so please bear with me. I haven’t been sure who I could speak to about this, tried it with my husband one night and he was a bit perplexed so advice from other mums would be appreciated 😂

I’m a mum of four. My kids are lovely, doing really well in lots of ways and generally quite well behaved although definitely not all the time they can get very mischievous and sometimes listening is an issue!! But generally they are lovely people and are reported as such in school and nursery. So I think I’m doing okay at that part!! I also work in a professional job, not management, and although it’s stressful at times I’m doing well there and working realistically towards promotion. I don’t earn big money but definitely a good amount. We own a nice enough house in a pretty nice area (it’s too small for us now with 4 we will need to move or extend within the next year or so), and my husband is also a professional who is doing well at work and he earns a good wage, again nothing mega high but definitely doing well. Husband and I get on well and have a laugh and there is lots of laughter and fun times in our home generally. We get a couple of trips a year. I guess the picture I’m trying to paint is that I’m lucky, I have a nice life and I am aware of that on a logical level!!

But, and what I’m seeking advice on, is I cannot seem to help comparing myself to others constantly and negatively. Whilst on a logical level I can recognise all the good bits in life, which I’ve put above to give a picture, I just find myself constantly focussing on the bad. I shout at the kids too often - I try so hard to be very gentle and reasonable but end up raising my voice far more than I ever planned to. I’m really struggling to lose weight and feel so unattractive. I’m struggling to keep my house really clean and tidy the way I would want it. I’m not good enough with money and don’t have the level of savings I feel we should have with our income. I feel stressed a lot and a bit behind on everything but can’t seem to stop myself yes whenever I am asked to do anything extra at all like parent council or volunteering for things. When I look around at the other mums I just feel that they manage everything so much better than me and I’m a bit shit at everything. I’ve noticed myself becoming jealous of a couple of other families we are friends with who have a lot more money than us and a bigger house lots of trips and I really don’t want to be that type of person.

does anyone have any tips for how to feel more content in life? How to focus I’m more on the good and to genuinely stop comparing yourself to others? I really don’t want to become the unfulfilled bitter person that I often feel my inner thoughts go to. I had kids quite young, starting at 22 and I’m 32 now so I don’t know whether part of it is feeling I missed out on a responsibility free peer of life, if it’s just the stress of balancing four children and work or just a bit of a bad patch for me but I want to be better than I am just now at focussing on the good and being a better person if that makes sense.

thank you 🙏

Not sure I have any advice for you, but also just wanted to say you’re not alone. Tonight I’ve been contemplating “to what end”. People might see from the outside that I have a good professional job, nice house, great partner, lovely kids…but for some reason I always think it’s not enough.
I had kids quite late so I don’t think that’s the issue. Maybe it’s a midlife crisis!

I dunno but I getcha.

I've got it all, on paper. I am 33. The husband, the children, big house, career, nice car, I'm a size 8, frequent holidays, enough money to relax about life..

Miserable. Totally miserable. I cry every day.

thank you, that’s kind. I think it’s helpful to know we aren’t alone. I always feel a bit dramatic saying this but being a mum is much much harder than I thought it would be!!

It is very hard questioning yourself all the time though.

Oh @snowballedinhell I’m so sorry. It is hard feeling so miserable, I am not there every day but I definitely do have days where I feel I could cry about it all and just run away. It’s a bit of a lesson for me that the people I’m thinking have it all have their own stuff too. Sending love xx

I had kids in my late thirties and did the travel thing and I understand how you feel OP so I don't think your age has anything to do with it. I won't patronise you by telling you that you can travel in retirement either.

Have you always felt this way? I feel unsatisfied with my life. I put it down to comparing myself with other people and tell myself its nothing more than the whole 'comparison is the thief of joy' saying but if I'm being honest, I have felt this way for as long as I can remember, and as far back as my childhood.

I try very hard to do the best I can for my kids but I never feel it is enough. Perhaps if I stopped caring and trying, I wouldn't feel so unhappy but I can't see how caring and trying less can be useful.

Thanks @Username1010 that’s appreciated. I feel that you sound quite similar to me, I’ve compared myself to others a lot. When I was younger I think I compared myself more favourably, but now I only seem to find faults with myself!! Even when others compliment me on the kids or balancing work and motherhood etc I find myself being really cynical about why they’re complementing me.

I also know what you mean about the caring and trying: there’s a huge part of me that envies some other mums at school who don’t work but also do no volunteering for the parent council etc; and the nasty part of me judges them for not doing it when they have the time 😂 I have no answers just over here feeling like a mess!!

It makes me wonder if anyone is truly content? I would love to be.

I'm struck by the fact that you think that the onus is on you to be a better person and that you perceive your negative thoughts and comparisons as some kind of personal flaw that needs to be fixed. What kind of relationship did you have with your parents?

I felt like this, then my mum told me to lower my expectations I was raging. But then I did, snd silly as it sounds, I am a LOT happier.

I try to sometimes see it as a positive. I am not always content because I am open to change and to improving and developing and want to get better at things that matter to me. And sometimes that is helpful to drive me to work hard or take a risk. But yes I can relate in that I feel I should be happier given how lucky I am and I guess for me it is finding a balance of appreciating what I have and being in the moment balanced against the future plans. And to get better at saying no would help with stress I am sure but still working on that! Is there anything you can say no to and free up time for yourself even if you aren't sure what to do with it yet but to find something just for you that makes you feel more content?

It’s hard because we always want more think things could be better and we could do better but we are all human and mostly things go well but sometimes we could do something better with hindsight. Not have shouted at the kids etc. someone has it better than us, But ….. I learned the hard way value what you have because it can all be taken away / turned upside down in a minute. Sudden life changing health issues / an accident etc etc. we all know someone who has suffered this and when it happens to someone close you realise and cherish what you have- it’s ok to feel occasionally it could be better but so many people are going through a really tough time and sadly for some it’s life changing and rips life apart. Cherish what you have 😊

It's the human condition.

Really? I’m not sure who else would help me get better at enjoying the little moments and not comparing myself, surely that has to come from within? I have a good relationship with my parents, they were very nurturing and supportive through childhood if a bit strict at times in adolescence. But we are all close, I see them once or twice a week to socialise and we all go on holiday together every year as well. Interesting point though

You have four kids. Of course you feel like you have less money than other people!

It is hard not to compare sometimes. I had my first child at 22 too. I was barely an adult myself when I had responsibilities for others. Due to my age I’d never established a career or decent job. I went in to have four children, I spent time as a SAHM or worked part time. When my youngest child was two my partner left for another woman and I’ve been a single
parent since. I work full time and have done a lot of training and worked my way up in a childcare workplace but pay is low in this industry.

So with four children pretty much grown (youngest is in Y10), eldest nearly 26, I find myself in a relatively low paid job, in a council property and likely never going to have income to buy or have assets and I can’t help comparing with my peers who have good marriages, nice houses, lots of holidays etc.

I have started an OU degree in hope that it might open up jobs in other areas but it is hard to know how to move forward.

i struggle with this and I think part of it is that for so many years I was striving for the career, boyfriend, engagement, wedding, house, baby then another baby so now I have all that my mind is going what’s next and there’s no answer to that question at the moment for me so I don’t know how to be content. I suspect my mum is the same as she’s always onto the next thing

It feels like modern life is designed to stop anyone feeling contended. Obviously that’s what capitalism does. Social media. Tv. It’s not all about material items either. The increase in self help about everything. Eg when I go on Instagram I often save these little sound bites about interacting with my child in a more positive way. But then I forget to go back and read it properly later and feel like a failure as all the info on good parenting is out there but I don’t buy the books and take it all in and put it into practice.
the more information in the world about how to do something or be something or achieve something, the more dissatisfied we will be.
I bet people in years gone by without the internet, tv, magazine, didn’t feel so dissatisfied by everything when on paper they had it all.

Also it’s the popular modern mantra of “you can be anything you want to be” No you can’t. Things that appear to be positive on the surface are actually quite damaging in some cases. How will kids feel as adults when they’ve been brought up with “you can do or be anything” mantras plastered everywhere, and they weren’t clever enough to be a doctor, didn’t get that job, got dumped by mr right, can’t get on the housing ladder, don’t look like a supermodel. Everyone needs a dose of realism, to realise that comparison is the thief of joy and that there is peace in contentment.
achievements are not the be all and end all. Nothing wrong with being ambitious of course but we are being raised to want everything annd to expect everything and that’s just nonsense.

I get it. The first thing that springs to mind is social media. If you use it, then get rid of it. You will be so much more content.

Also gratitude will always combat the feeling of not having enough. And lastly, but perhaps first and foremost, it sounds you are spiritually lacking. I felt incomplete and dissatisfied before I became a born again Christian in 2020. Now everything has new meaning.

I have no advice but wanted to thank you for being so honest and writing this. This really is how I'm feeling and it gets to me a lot. Realistically I think for me it's tiredness combined with two small children and a demanding full time job with no family help. I do need to give my head a wobble and potentially focus on the positives more. Hard to do when you're knackered I appreciate!x

I don't know what advice to give you but I think your feelings are normal. Yes you're lucky but you also have a lot on your plate. To be honest, I'm not sure I could have coped with 4 kids. I stopped at two and even find that hard work. Each child takes a lot of emotional energy.
But yes, I think many of us can relate to losing patience with the kids, not having an immaculately clean and tidy house, not saving enough.
I never compare myself to others. What's the point? Everyone has their own unique circumstances and people's lives can change in an instant. There was one time I did compare my life to a friend. She seemed to have everything and my life was falling apart. Fast forward a couple of years and she'd suffered the most awful tragedy and my life was pretty good. Life's full of ups and downs for everyone.
Yes you started having children young so missed some of the carefree 20s lifestyle but it also comes with lots of benefits. By your 40s your children will be older/grown up and you'll have loads of freedom. I know plenty of women (myself included) who are still doing a lot of full on parenting in our 40s and 50s (including during menopause) and it's a real slog!
Just try and name the most of each day, don't stress about a messy house. Life will be much easier in ten years or so.

This sounds strange but keep a gratitude journal, three thugs and very day. It might be you had a cuppa in peace, or a friend called. It's been prove to lift mood.

I think we all have some FOMO these days and feel we have to live our "best life". I detest that phrase. ALL of it is life; grief, laughter, drudgery, holidays. Look for the joy in each moment, they are there but it sounds like you see the negatives.

*three things every day 🤪

🤣🤣 this made me laugh

I think that’s what I need to do, focus on the positives more. I wonder whether if we all started being more honest we would feel less alone as there seem to be so many of us feeling this way!!

you’re doing amazing balancing two wee ones and a job, well done xx

Thank you ❤️