Is it normal to not feel fully content? Advice appreciated please!

[Mammytofour]

Hello! I’m a first time poster although have read posts on mn for ages so please bear with me. I haven’t been sure who I could speak to about this, tried it with my husband one night and he was a bit perplexed so advice from other mums would be appreciated 😂

I’m a mum of four. My kids are lovely, doing really well in lots of ways and generally quite well behaved although definitely not all the time they can get very mischievous and sometimes listening is an issue!! But generally they are lovely people and are reported as such in school and nursery. So I think I’m doing okay at that part!! I also work in a professional job, not management, and although it’s stressful at times I’m doing well there and working realistically towards promotion. I don’t earn big money but definitely a good amount. We own a nice enough house in a pretty nice area (it’s too small for us now with 4 we will need to move or extend within the next year or so), and my husband is also a professional who is doing well at work and he earns a good wage, again nothing mega high but definitely doing well. Husband and I get on well and have a laugh and there is lots of laughter and fun times in our home generally. We get a couple of trips a year. I guess the picture I’m trying to paint is that I’m lucky, I have a nice life and I am aware of that on a logical level!!

But, and what I’m seeking advice on, is I cannot seem to help comparing myself to others constantly and negatively. Whilst on a logical level I can recognise all the good bits in life, which I’ve put above to give a picture, I just find myself constantly focussing on the bad. I shout at the kids too often - I try so hard to be very gentle and reasonable but end up raising my voice far more than I ever planned to. I’m really struggling to lose weight and feel so unattractive. I’m struggling to keep my house really clean and tidy the way I would want it. I’m not good enough with money and don’t have the level of savings I feel we should have with our income. I feel stressed a lot and a bit behind on everything but can’t seem to stop myself yes whenever I am asked to do anything extra at all like parent council or volunteering for things. When I look around at the other mums I just feel that they manage everything so much better than me and I’m a bit shit at everything. I’ve noticed myself becoming jealous of a couple of other families we are friends with who have a lot more money than us and a bigger house lots of trips and I really don’t want to be that type of person.

does anyone have any tips for how to feel more content in life? How to focus I’m more on the good and to genuinely stop comparing yourself to others? I really don’t want to become the unfulfilled bitter person that I often feel my inner thoughts go to. I had kids quite young, starting at 22 and I’m 32 now so I don’t know whether part of it is feeling I missed out on a responsibility free peer of life, if it’s just the stress of balancing four children and work or just a bit of a bad patch for me but I want to be better than I am just now at focussing on the good and being a better person if that makes sense.

thank you 🙏

Thank you this is so helpful, I will give it a go. Have never tried a gratitude journal and just end up feeling guilty for sitting down but that’s absolutely what I’m going to do! And three thugs made me lol 🤣🤣 I work in criminal justice so could probably find 3 thugs away if I tried hard enough 😂😉

I’m very similar to how you describe yourself.

Sometimes I think it’s just my personality and other times I think it’s because I had quite a critical upbringing where I always felt I had to earn affection/prove myself.

At 50 years old, though, I’m still the same so think I may always be someone who is never content for very long.

It does have its advantages though - I’ve done a lot of things in life and have accomplished a lot also. But it can be exhausting and frustrating as well.

I think having kids especially young can zap the joy out of life and it can feel pretty relentless. If I could choose my perfect day it wouldn't be getting up at the crack of dawn, making breakfast, doing housework, school run, going to work all day, coming home and having to cook dinner, clean up, homework, bathtime bedtime etc and repeat. My days aren't often fun even on the weekend. So I understand why I feel Meh a lot of the time and hope it improves once my children grow up a bit.

Can I just apologise quickly I think I’m replying to people all wrong!! Sorry 🙈 newbie

Gosh - I relate to the simultaneously envying other mothers who don’t work and in the next breath judging them 😳

Then I feel like I’m a really mean person who just “pretends” to be nice. And then I just feel like a big mess!

another poster said something about thinking of normal human behaviours as flaws. Which is really interesting. I guess I personally do see anything less than perfect as a flaw which should be addressed. I guess I assumed everybody did?

Maybe that’s something to think about - we don’t have to always be striving to be better. And if we do have negative traits (like judging others), maybe that’s ok?? I don’t know, though.

Your biggest pinch points are having four children and a full time professional job. You are doing the hard yards. Of course things won't be perfect and there will have to be compromises. What is important is to define and accept the compromises. And my first one in your shoes is volunteering at school. If parents work, they spend the money at the fetes and cake stalls, if parents don't work, they do the graft.

Broadly though, I think people are either glass half empty or glass half full. My MIL and SIL1 have half empty glasses, are quite envious, compare to others and have feelings of inadequacy. If it's raining, it's "I'm so disappointed, it was miserable and I couldn't get out, I'm so fed up". And you can substitute hot, windy, cold for raining.

SIL2, mother and I, however, are more inclined to say or feel "it was wet, but not cold and the garden needed it, I did manage to get a bit of weeding done just after lunch and in the end I grabbed my brolly and walked to the shops/beach/village to get some air, and on the way back saw that beautiful rainbow".

I think you are absolutely normal too. And that you are doing a great job, by what you have written, and other women probably look at you and think “how does she do it?”
😀😀

You have four dc so you are in the parenting trenches atm and - I hope this doesn’t sound too overwhelming for you - there’s a great bit between about eight and twelve, and then it will get worse before it gets better; teenage years can be “interesting” 😂.

However, because you started young, you will emerge young, and that will be your “golden period” when your dc are young adults and you will have more free time and you and your dh will (god willing) be fit and active enough to enjoy it! So hang in there op!

Until then though, as someone who is out the other side, my advice would be, try and treasure every day (sorry if that sounds too Disney but it goes so fast) and try and preserve a tiny corner of your life just for yourself, in which you do something that brings you joy. I know with a ft job and four dc that sounds bordering on the impossible but it’s SO important.

I didn’t take that advice and got a bit depressed and resentful facilitating everyone else’s life and not having anything joyful of my own to look forward to.

The thing is op, you don’t need anyone’s permission, and no one is going to facilitate it for you, so you have to do it for yourself even if it means the family eating a takeaway one night a week or one of the children getting the bus instead of you picking them up. And that’s ok.

And the reason it’s ok is that (a) apparently one of the best predictors of child happiness is how happy their mothers are and (b) the very best form of parenting is example, so if you model fulfilling yourself creatively, for example, they are more likely to do the same.

Good luck op and start doing something that you love NOW and don’t wait until little Johnny has finished primary, or you have moved house, start as soon as you possibly can, there is never going to be a perfect moment and society places such huge pressure on women to be “sacrificial” in a way that doesn’t seem to impact men in quite the same way, so well done for recognising your own disquiet - treat it seriously - and ask your dh to step up more if you need to 💐

Thank you for this beautiful message. I cried reading it, it resonated with me so much!! I am absolutely going to do that, starting today. Thank you xx

Reading through your OP, I just see a big list of things that you do for everyone else and nothing that you do by yourself, for yourself. Where do you fit in with all of this? How are your needs being met? Of course you're not content if you're putting everyone else ahead of yourself.

Happiness means feeling you are on the right path every moment.
You don't need to arrive at the end of the path in order to be happy.
TNH

Great stuff op! Ignore any grumbles and quietly do your own thing xx

I some times wonder if achieving all that you had on your "life to-do" list can have this effect. You have everything most people strive for and with that comes an enormous (false) responsibility to supposedly be ecstatic as a result, but that just isn't realistic! It is like if you break your leg and are in a cast, you feel like the day that it comes off you are just going to be so grateful every single day (which normally lasts a few days, but then real life kicks in and you are back to happiness square one!)
Don't feel guilty about the fact that you are not always happy or because all is going well for you, embrace these good times, because life moves on quickly. Make sure you put time in to prioritise your happiness. When you value yourself more, your perceived value also increases from those around you so win win!

I'm 31, no kids yet and I've done lots of travelling but still struggle with this! I worry that I didn't make enough of the 'fun' part of my life and now have the difficulty of making the decision about kids, and if I do I'll be parenting much later than younger mums. I think it's a very normal feeling in the 30s-40s as the fear and pressure of aging starts to kick in, whichever route you took. There are tons of online tools through the NHS about reframing worries and negative thoughts, it can sound naff but they've really helped me.

@Mysticguru - simple but so reassuring. Thank you.

“Happiness means feeling you are on the right path every moment.
You don't need to arrive at the end of the path in order to be happy.”

I don't feel fully content, I'm always annoyed or irritated. However , I am aware that destination happiness is a thing and I don't allow myself to get sucked into that sort of thinking. A new, posh car wouldn't make my life any better. All the people I know with nice cars, big houses etc aren't content with them, they want a different new car , to move house, another holiday etc.

Some people are probably content. I think old people are. Perhaps because they may not have been sucked into social media. Perhaps people who are very religious, or have quite a simple life are too.

Imo , a lot of people pretend to be more content than they are, because they don't want to appear ungrateful.

I also think I could have all my hearts desires, and my dc would still have my life and drive me mad.You may be the same , OP.