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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my friend what he told me?

47 replies

forthestory · 14/06/2024 18:57

My very best friend in the world is madly in love with a man from her past. For the last 3 years I have seen them on and off, and listened to her stories of how much she wants to be with him.

I have always suspected that he cared deeply for her, but he did not feel like they were ultimately right for each other. I have told her hundreds of times that this was my view on the situation. I don't think he's a bad guy at all. Just not right for her.

They sleep together periodically and she always ends up confused and sad.

I was sat in a cafe on my lunch break today and he walked in. I go there most days and have never seen him there!

He came and sat with me and proceeded to pour his heart out and tell me EXACTLY what I'd always assumed about the situation. That he loved her very much but didn't see a future due to his personal circumstances. He said he knows it's wrong to keep sleeping with her but he finds it hard to tell her no. He also said, as I suspected, that he's been completely transparent with her about this for years but she doesn't seem to listen.

He was almost in tears, asking me to help him tell her to please accept that he can't give her what she wants,

I realise that telling him to stop spending time with her, and definitely to stop sleeping with her, would be the obvious thing, but I also feel she'd hate me if she found out I'd said that to him (anyone remember the scene in SATC where Miranda tells Big not to get married..???)

I'm seeing her for dinner tomorrow night and am torn about whether to mention the whole encounter.

I'm honestly not sure she'd even listen to me, and if she did, I feel like it would break her heart.

He has messaged me since and literally begged me to help him resolve it, as it's hurting them both.

No idea what to do next.

OP posts:
Alwaystired2023 · 14/06/2024 19:00

Can you not tell him to resolve himself by telling her again, clearly, and then not sleeping with her again? It's really not your place to get involved and it's not your problem he keeps sleeping with her, he told you himself he shouldn't and it's wrong

Springchickenonion · 14/06/2024 19:00

That's a bit awkward. He just needs to stop sleeping with her. He's the one being difficult

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 14/06/2024 19:01

I would tell him that he is an adult. He can say no he just doesn't want to and that you were not going to get involved.

If he truly loved her, he would stop sleeping with her. Because its hurting her. But he doesn't want to turn down sex.

He needs to grow and deal with the situation himself.

I would tell her you saw him and you spoke and you have told him he needs to resolve this himself. If you tell her that he loves her, she will continue to hold on assuming true love will conquer all. And it doesn't. She could even blame you for telling her when it all implodes.

5128gap · 14/06/2024 19:02

Don't get involved. This guy sounds beyond pathetic. Crying to you in a cafe because he's giving your friend false hope by sleeping with her, and thinking the solution lies in getting you to do his dirty work? What a manipulative wet lettuce he is. You've already told your friend your views on the score. He claims he has too. He's probably lying, because really the answer is for him to show not tell her. Sooner or later your friend will come to her senses and you need to be there for her, not getting involved with him as his messenger.

ChrisPPancake · 14/06/2024 19:05

Are the 'personal circumstances' that he's married to someone else?

It should be just between them. He shouldn't have brought you into it and he should learn to keep it in his pants

Message him back and tell him to grow the fuck up and tell her himself.

forthestory · 14/06/2024 19:07

5128gap · 14/06/2024 19:02

Don't get involved. This guy sounds beyond pathetic. Crying to you in a cafe because he's giving your friend false hope by sleeping with her, and thinking the solution lies in getting you to do his dirty work? What a manipulative wet lettuce he is. You've already told your friend your views on the score. He claims he has too. He's probably lying, because really the answer is for him to show not tell her. Sooner or later your friend will come to her senses and you need to be there for her, not getting involved with him as his messenger.

He definitely isn't lying. She has outright told me many times that he has said this, but she thinks he doesn't mean it, or can change his mind.

Agree he needs to stop sleeping with her though. I did tell him that but very diplomatically because she'd really resent me me if she found out I'd said that.

OP posts:
forthestory · 14/06/2024 19:07

ChrisPPancake · 14/06/2024 19:05

Are the 'personal circumstances' that he's married to someone else?

It should be just between them. He shouldn't have brought you into it and he should learn to keep it in his pants

Message him back and tell him to grow the fuck up and tell her himself.

Gosh no. Nothing like that! Financial and family commitments (his parents, not a wife!) that he is having to focus on.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 14/06/2024 19:08

No one forces him do they?
He has autonomy...he's not the beleaguered, anguished victim in this. What does he need help with?

Superstoria · 14/06/2024 19:09

This is beyond pathetic.

Just tell him he needs to be honest with her, then block him. This is absolutely not for you to do for him, and it sounds like she wouldn’t believe you anyway so you’d just harm your friendship.

AthenaBasil · 14/06/2024 19:11

He needs to put up boundaries and distance himself. It’s on him. Don’t get involved. She’ll start blaming you.

FictionalCharacter · 14/06/2024 19:11

Absolutely keep out of it. He needs to talk to her himself, not recruit you to be on his team and speak for him.
You could lose her friendship if you get mixed up in this.

pictoosh · 14/06/2024 19:13

I would step well away too.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/06/2024 19:13

If he’s already said all that to her then she won’t be learning anything new just by hearing it from you.

I agree tell him you cannot get involved and it’s up to him as an adult, then block.

MILTOBE · 14/06/2024 19:15

What a pathetic man he is. "I just can't stop myself from having sex with her" - ffs, tell him to grow up and take some responsibility. She could easily get pregnant and then where would they be?

I wonder if he's going to start on you, soon.

5128gap · 14/06/2024 19:18

forthestory · 14/06/2024 19:07

He definitely isn't lying. She has outright told me many times that he has said this, but she thinks he doesn't mean it, or can change his mind.

Agree he needs to stop sleeping with her though. I did tell him that but very diplomatically because she'd really resent me me if she found out I'd said that.

He's telling her he loves her and he's sleeping with her, and at the very outside, throwing in a little angsty 'but it can never be....' so the poor woman thinks she's Juliet to his star crossed Romeo. Unless he has some sort of arrested emotional development, he doesn't need to be told by you not to sleep with her. He knows and doesn't care. You really shouldn't entertain his drama. You're just another handy female giving him attention, and if your friend finds out she'll not be best pleased.

pictoosh · 14/06/2024 19:19

"He has messaged me since and literally begged me to help him resolve it, as it's hurting them both."

I mean, who does this?

meganorks · 14/06/2024 19:19

I'd tell her. Maybe she will listen, maybe she won't. But I don't see how hiding it will help.

Motnight · 14/06/2024 19:19

He was almost in tears, but carries on sleeping with her?

It's a mystery as to why she won't accept that there's no future in their relationship.

Didimum · 14/06/2024 19:20

100% no, do not tell your friend. Firstly people will shoot the messenger. Secondly he’s being a child by involving you, he’s an adult and needs to take responsibility for his action.

I would be being very firm with him that it is none of your business and that he seriously needs to grow up.

pictoosh · 14/06/2024 19:20

You really shouldn't entertain his drama. You're just another handy female giving him attention, and if your friend finds out she'll not be best pleased.

Spot on I think.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/06/2024 19:22

What an absolute loser. All he has to do is stop fucking her. It's not hard.

Please don't be daft enough to insert yourself into the middle of this nonsense.

WhatsRequiredThen · 14/06/2024 19:22

Sooooo he wants you to do his dirty work for him? Crying over a woman he is leading on by sleeping with? Sounds like an absolute arsehole. If you want to help, reply to his message and tell
him to grow up and zip it.

HappiestSleeping · 14/06/2024 19:22

I hold a different view. If they feel that deeply for each other they should just go for it. Blow it in, or blow it out.

If it works, great. If it doesn't, that solves the problem as they'll both be able to move on.

Either way, you'll be able to enjoy your breakfast in peace.

ridingfreely · 14/06/2024 19:24

Oh this is easy - do not get involved

gamerchick · 14/06/2024 19:25

I'd say nowt. Messenger always gets shot and you'll end up having a shit evening with her having a one track mind.

No thankyou.

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