To tell my friend what he told me?

[forthestory]

My very best friend in the world is madly in love with a man from her past. For the last 3 years I have seen them on and off, and listened to her stories of how much she wants to be with him.

I have always suspected that he cared deeply for her, but he did not feel like they were ultimately right for each other. I have told her hundreds of times that this was my view on the situation. I don't think he's a bad guy at all. Just not right for her.

They sleep together periodically and she always ends up confused and sad.

I was sat in a cafe on my lunch break today and he walked in. I go there most days and have never seen him there!

He came and sat with me and proceeded to pour his heart out and tell me EXACTLY what I'd always assumed about the situation. That he loved her very much but didn't see a future due to his personal circumstances. He said he knows it's wrong to keep sleeping with her but he finds it hard to tell her no. He also said, as I suspected, that he's been completely transparent with her about this for years but she doesn't seem to listen.

He was almost in tears, asking me to help him tell her to please accept that he can't give her what she wants,

I realise that telling him to stop spending time with her, and definitely to stop sleeping with her, would be the obvious thing, but I also feel she'd hate me if she found out I'd said that to him (anyone remember the scene in SATC where Miranda tells Big not to get married..???)

I'm seeing her for dinner tomorrow night and am torn about whether to mention the whole encounter.

I'm honestly not sure she'd even listen to me, and if she did, I feel like it would break her heart.

He has messaged me since and literally begged me to help him resolve it, as it's hurting them both.

No idea what to do next.

I had a similarish situation before. 2 friends occasionally sleeping together, no strings attached. Except the girl in the situation, despite the guy being completely upfront, kept getting her hopes up that it was something more. So the cycle would be: sex; maybe some more sex; girl starts interpreting things as this time it's more; guy pulls another girl; friend devastated; swears it will never happen again; happens again.

Both were good friend with each other and with me. Girl always confided in me. In the end I had to spell it out for the guy: 'I know you have said you don't want a relationship and it's just a bit of fun. But it's not for her. And I think you now that. She wants more. So you need to stop sleeping together. She's a good friend and you are going to ruin that friendship.' It did get through to him.

I would tell her.
I’d also tell him the old cliche “if you love someone, set them free”.

Urgh, what a dick head, shags her and then cries to you

This is nothing to do with you. The man in question is a weak-willed, spineless jellyfish, who wants you to do his dirty work for him. One message back before blocking his number: Tell her yourself.
Don't tell your friend, she probably won't believe you, and he will carry on booty calling her because he's a pathetic loser.

I would reply to him saying you don't want to get involved. It's their drama. Leave them to it. I have zero sympathy for him, though. He's crying that he can't give her what she wants, but he's still happy to have sex with her 🤔 Laughable, really. What an idiot. He clearly doesn't love or care about her as much as he claims, or he wouldn't keep having sex with her when he clearly knows how she feels.

He needs to learn how to keep his dick in his pants

They're adults. They're entitled to make drama for themselves. Just stay out of it.

Stay out of it. No good will come from it.

Drama triangle, he’s creating a classic. You will be the persecutor instead of him if you talk to her about this.

I think as ever it depends on the friend as to what I would do due to how they would handle it.

I think I would tell her about the conversation and potentially show her the message for proof but I would go in with the angle of “you are too good for this shit.” and then see where the convo leads.

I think telling him not to sleep with her will just make you the bad guy. I think the only thing I would say to him of at all is that he needs to grow up and stop acting like he’s in a hostage situation.

Almost in tears but still sleeping with her?

He's pathetic.

This poor poor man practically being forced to continue sleeping with this awful women. Now he needs op to save him from this. Ridiculous. OP please don't get swept up I'm helping. If he wants to stop sleeping with her he can. No matter if she still offers.

Another one agree with this^
I think you need to txt him something like : Hi Sam, Emma’s is my friend so I don’t want to discuss her relationship with you behind her back, it’s not fair. You are both adults. Please sort it between yourselves.
And then block him. Tell her that you’ve seen him and he wanted to talk about their relationship so you’ve blocked him.

What are the circumstances that mean he can't have a future with her? That just sounds rubbish, tbh. If he is an adult and not already married, he could make this work if he wanted to. He just doesn't want to. What does he expect you to do? He sounds wet and probably deceitful too, as well as manipulative.
See if you can introduce your friend to someone nicer.

He sorts his own shit out. Cowardly to get you involved In helping him ...he knows what to do.

Well, he's leading her on - but because there's some free sex available he's not willing to end it.

He needs to grow up and find some integrity.

What a difficult situation but he has told her already himself and it hasn't worked . I don't think you should get involved.
He needs to stay away. This friend is clearly not getting the message and its putting you in an awkward position and its not fair .

He needs to take some bloody responsibility for himself!

He is using your friend and when a girl or guy that he actually wants to be with comes along he will break her heart.

I wouldn't mention your conversation to your friend. I wouldn't have much to say to the guy except maybe "I'm staying well out of it as you say one thing and do another- no wonder x is confused".

You could encourage your friend to date/meet someone else and if she says "what about friend" remind her that they are not dating. The only problem is if she starts seeing someone he will probably come crawling along and ruin things for her.

You're going to have a nice time with your friend tomorrow, nothing to do with him even if he is trying to insert himself into every area of her life but is distraught he can't be with her .

If the subject of him comes up I would just tell her you're feeling really annoyed with him because you think he's leading her on and you don't want to talk about it.

Took could reply to his message with something really prosaic and un-tortured as well, like 'sorry I was busy cleaning the filter on the dishwasher and missed your message' too. Dick.

Fucking hell, he is a pathetic, selfish, loser who loves to play the victim.

You tell him you're angry he seems to think he can pull you into the drama and if he has a message for your friend he can tell her himself because you have no sympathy for him because he doesn't slip and fall into her vagina. He says enough of the right words, shags her and fucks off again until it suits him.

How can you bear him!? How did you keep a stright face in the cafe????

Not your monkeys not your circus!

Leave well alone. They're both pathetic.

All that drama. Couldn't be arsed listening to it if I was you. He's getting no strings attached sex. Your mate is getting ... fuck all.

But she won't change coz "... she loves him ..."

Some people can't be saved from themselves.

Have a lovely day tomorrow and try stay clear of talking about him.