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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Settle a debate: who does the groom toast in his speech?

32 replies

InNeedOfDebretts · 14/06/2024 10:14

Brother getting married tomorrow. I've helped him a little with his speech. I thought - and using two UK websites with templates for what you need to cover that also said this - the Groom toasts his new Bride.
I talked to our parents this morning. They insist the Father of the Bride is the one who toasts the new wife, and the Groom toasts the Bridesmaids. Unfortunately, I then found two more UK websites that agreed with them.

Who is right?
(We don't really mind, it's not too important really is it?! - just if tradition has it one way or the other we'll go with what's expected§)

YABU: The Groom toasts the Bridesmaids, who let you loose on his speech you know nothing!
YANBU: You had it right all along of course, the Groom toasts his Wife

Thank you Mumsnetters!

OP posts:
Dramatic · 14/06/2024 10:16

I had no idea this was a thing. We got married 2 weeks ago, my dad did a toast to me and my husband, my husband and me did a joint speech and thanked our bridesmaids, parents and kids. That was it really 🤷

PiranhaPeaches · 14/06/2024 10:17

It's his speech, he can toast the caterers and his best friends dog if he likes.

Just get him to toast both and that covers all bases. My father passed away so if the groom doesn't do it I won't get a toast at my wedding!

keylimedog · 14/06/2024 10:18

He can toast whoever he wants in his speech!

All the weddings I've been to previously the grooms speech has toasted his beautiful bride.

Jeezitneverends · 14/06/2024 10:19

Traditionally the groom toasts the bridesmaids, starting off by saying “on behalf of my wife and I”, which everyone generally cheers at

kikisparks · 14/06/2024 10:19

I’ve always known the groom to toast the bride and the bridesmaids.

TeenDivided · 14/06/2024 10:21

Father of bride toasts the couple.
Groom thanks on behalf of himself and wife, toasts the bridesmaids.
Best man replies on behalf of bridesmaids.

KrisAkabusi · 14/06/2024 10:23

Jeezitneverends · 14/06/2024 10:19

Traditionally the groom toasts the bridesmaids, starting off by saying “on behalf of my wife and I”, which everyone generally cheers at

Yep, this.

CurryOnRegardless · 14/06/2024 10:25

TeenDivided · 14/06/2024 10:21

Father of bride toasts the couple.
Groom thanks on behalf of himself and wife, toasts the bridesmaids.
Best man replies on behalf of bridesmaids.

Yes, this is the ‘traditional’ structure.

(The toe-curlingly sexist structure where men speak on behalf of the women and the women don’t speak… might not be ‘what’s expected’ these days)

sparkleowl · 14/06/2024 10:25

TeenDivided · 14/06/2024 10:21

Father of bride toasts the couple.
Groom thanks on behalf of himself and wife, toasts the bridesmaids.
Best man replies on behalf of bridesmaids.

This is always the case at the weddings I’ve been to, but the best man also has to come up with various stories about the groom which can be amusing though hopefully kind!

CaputDraconis · 14/06/2024 10:34

I thought the groom thanked everyone, compliments the bridesmaids and then tells a bit about how much he loves his wife and why he has married her, everyone cries and it ends with a toast to his new wife

dcsp · 14/06/2024 10:35

At my own wedding, the best man (who'd had his own wedding already, and is the kind of person who knows these things, whereas we're not) said that what was typical was for the groom to toast the bridesmaids and that the best man should then accepted/replied to the toast on the bridesmaids' behalf - so that's what we did.

BeaRF75 · 14/06/2024 10:42

Traditionally, only the bridesmaids, as he speaks on behalf of both of you.
In the real world, I think it's much cooler for the bride to speak too.
Crucially, everyone needs to remember to "stand up, speak up and shut up", ie be clear, but brief!

5foot5 · 14/06/2024 10:48

Traditionally bridesmaids. But also, at all the weddings I have been to, the groom has given a thank you present to the bridesmaids. Reading this back I realise this is a bit old fashioned as ,surely, it is down to the bride to give them a thank you present. Maybe your brother should liaise with his bride to be on this and find out what she is expecting

SpiritAdder · 14/06/2024 10:51

There are no set persons the wedding speakers toast. Grooms/brides often toast the friend that introduced them, their parents/siblings, new in laws, mentors/best man or maid of honour as well as their bride/groom.

The father of the bride speech is usually about joining two families, rather than a toast.

Nanny0gg · 14/06/2024 10:54

SpiritAdder · 14/06/2024 10:51

There are no set persons the wedding speakers toast. Grooms/brides often toast the friend that introduced them, their parents/siblings, new in laws, mentors/best man or maid of honour as well as their bride/groom.

The father of the bride speech is usually about joining two families, rather than a toast.

Of course there are if you follow etiquette and tradition.

The point is that these days you don't have to, so you do what you want

SummerSnowstorm · 14/06/2024 10:54

TeenDivided · 14/06/2024 10:21

Father of bride toasts the couple.
Groom thanks on behalf of himself and wife, toasts the bridesmaids.
Best man replies on behalf of bridesmaids.

The whole ridiculous performance basically sums up why weddings should be a thing of the past.
So much money and pretence when almost every couple lives together before marriage anyway nowadays.

CheshireCat1 · 14/06/2024 10:56

Anyone can toast anyone. All the day guests stood up and said something nice at our wedding and some did a toast as well, my husband made a toast to my mum and vice versa, I made a toast to my husband’s parents. My husband wrote and read a poem to me, I also did a speech. I didn’t have bridesmaids, It was great.

SpiritAdder · 14/06/2024 11:04

Nanny0gg · 14/06/2024 10:54

Of course there are if you follow etiquette and tradition.

The point is that these days you don't have to, so you do what you want

There is no current etiquette I should say.
The etiquette that was, is now old fashioned tradition.

Currently, there are no rules.

cardibach · 14/06/2024 11:08

kikisparks · 14/06/2024 10:19

I’ve always known the groom to toast the bride and the bridesmaids.

I thought that was best man? Or am I getting confused because he's supposed to get off with one of them at the reception?

InNeedOfDebretts · 14/06/2024 12:14

Excellent responses everyone, thank you very much, happy to accept all advices and thoughts as equally valid!

I very much agree with the sentiment 'it doesn't matter, do what you want' as well as thinking it's an outrage that there are traditionally no women speakers. The whole thing is a nonsense if you really think about it, but it's happening so we might as well try and do a decent job of it! There will be plenty of thanks and acknowledgements to everyone, it's just the who you actually 'toast' we were suddenly in a quandary over.

If there's a strong consensus on what is 'right' my brother is quite a traditionalist at heart, and will go with that. So far it's swinging towards he should toast the bridesmaids (75/25 split on the vote). I think he'd like to toast his new wife too, it's just if all of the speakers ended up doing that it would be a lot (the bride has her dad and step dad both speaking so chances are she is well covered!).

Thanks again all - on lots of missions for flowers etc today so will check back again later in case of significant move on the swingometer :)

OP posts:
Hillarious · 14/06/2024 12:31

He can toast who he likes, though there is a tradition which can be followed. I made a speech at my wedding, to pass on my own thanks.

TotHappy · 14/06/2024 12:36

Bride's father toasts the bride and groom or just the bride if he wants. Normally the couple.
Groom toasts the bridesmaids. And at our wedding also thanked my parents, who were the hosts (paid for the wedding). We did it traditionally but I don't think he toasted them.
Then best man answers for bridesmaids and toasts the bride and groom again.

No traditional toast for just the bride, but often an additional toast to one of the speeches.

CassandraWebb · 19/06/2024 11:09

I hate weddings where lots of men speak and the women stay silent.

At ours the bride and groom did toasts and then best man and chief bridesmaid

There's something horribly dated about women, most of whom are successful professionals, staying silent on their wedding day

(Sorry, not the question you asked I know! )

miellee · 19/06/2024 11:46

The groom toasts the bridesmaids. Always!

edit to add, these days he usually starts by saying ‘on behalf of my wife and I…’ cue massive cheer.

CurryOnRegardless · 19/06/2024 20:10

Then best man answers for bridesmaids and toasts the bride and groom again.

Not always these days. No men speaking on behalf of silent women at any weddings in my family!

What a load of sexist tosh tradition can be.