I read his messages

[cupsandcupsoftea]

I know I shouldn't but we've been having some ups and downs recently.

I thought we were back on track but I just read a message to his mate saying he never sent me the finishing text as he got laid!!! And also that we aren't back together, we are more like fwb.

I don't know what to do, as far as I was aware we are back together. I think it's disrespectful saying he got laid too.

Thoughts please! I obviously can't say I've been snooping.

And also that we aren't back together, we are more like fwb

I cannot stress enough that you need to listen to this. You are not together. He is telling people you are not together, other people who see you out and about think you are not together because that is what he is telling them. No matter what you think, no matter what he tells you, no matter how he acts in private, you are not a couple because he has made that clear to others.

You either continue seeing him knowing this or you cut it off. Either way it’s not a relationship OP.

The fact that you are going through his messages already tells me you know its not right.

I'd end it, not mention the messages and walk away with your head held high..

Of course when hes with you he tells you he loves you, blah blah blah... lets face it when hes with you he's getting laid isn't he?

Treacherous behaviour by both of you. Him: shagging other people. You: reading his messages.

Tbh there is no reason he can’t be sweet and feeling like fwb at the same time so him being sweet with you tells you nothing. His message though is very telling. He is not into idea “ getting back together” he is just spending time with you because of sex and convenience. And he is nice because he doesn’t want to stop it atm, it suits him.

This is true

OP, I can tell from your posts that you really don't want to, but I would absolutely end this relationship if I were you (I very much enjoyed a PPs "couldn't get past the smell" idea fwiw)

I’m going well against the grain here - some men do talk like this to their mates.
I have lots of close guy friends and participated in mostly guy friend groups.
I’ve known men who were utterly disparaging about the relationship behind the girl’s back - it’s not serious , just a f buddy yadayada - and have gone on to marry said girl- clearly in love and devoted. Some men have low self esteem , want to look like a stallion , and don’t want to acknowledge their feelings to others.

Having said that it’s still horrible and disrespectful that he is talking about you like that and I’m not sure I could move past it once I knew.

You were totally unreasonable to read his messages; a violation of his privacy and you were bound to find something you didn’t like.

At the end of the day what matters is how this man treats you. How he talks to his friends may be an indicator of his broader character but it’s not necessarily got anything to do with how he feels about you.

He's never cheated

Is that how low your bar is?

Do you really want to have a relationship with some weak little worm who says humiliating things about you to impress his horrible mates? He's a grovelling prick who sucks up to the school bully. He clearly aspires to be like his revolting mate, so why would you want to be with a man like that?

You've already had 'ups and downs' and have split at least once, it seems, so have some bloody dignity and end it rather than wasting your time on this absolute tragedy of a man.

It’s clearly not the rosey pic you’re presenting though. You say ups and downs, you obvs split at some point. You’re going through his messages, so clearly it is not the rosey relationship you’re making out it is.

Raise your standards.

How old are you both? If very young it is possible he is putting on a front to a single shitty mate, and its not how he actually feels. Very immature however, teenage behaviour at best. Id probably confront him and see what he does, if he grovels admits it, apologises, is open and proud to be with you at all times moving forward. But, if he turns it around and gets angry that you looked (angry he got caught) then its over. Power move is to just dump him with no explanation though.

Excellently articulated 👍

Many men say stuff that is contrary to the reality, especially with their mates. Many people do. People like to seem more than they are to an audience.

Have a proper adult discussion about where you both are and what you both intend. It's not rocket science

They always can find the time. Early start at work, late finish, sneaking off in the day. Don't give yourself false reassurance. Even if he is trying to be one of the lads aren't you repulsed by his sheep behaviour and immaturity?

It honestly sounds like you will stay with him no matter what people say on here....you're already looking for excuses for him - no most men don't talk like that with their mates, he clearly sees you as a fwb, no more.
Up to you if you are happy with that arrangement of course but don't be thinking it is any more than that.

Tell him you see him as more of a FWB and not a long term, serious prospect.

You say "he's never cheated" - but it sounds like he has?
He sees you as a FWB and has slept with other people when you thought you were in a monogamous relationship.
Yes some men talk like that to their mates when it's all a load of bollocks. But it doesn't sound like you like that or appreciate that - and it's a shitty thing to do even if it is just bravado.
I am not usually one to jump to "leave the bastard" - but LTB.

How is, I’ve not ended it yet, but we are just fwb make you more than you are?

You don’t know what to do????

You were not in the wrong!
You acted on a hunch that your trust was misplaced - and you were absolutely right to do so!

Just tell him it's over..... no need to explain yourself.

Why is he a cheating pig? Yes he’s not acted great here but that doesn’t make him a cheat

Come on stop making excuses for him he was going to dump you until sec was on the table. And now he’s telling his mate you are just FWB. He’s biding his time as soon as he meets someone else he will be gone or he will be having sex with someone else behind your back. Get a backbone and dump him you are so much better than this looser

He's obviously nice to your face. Otherwise the sex would end.

I couldn't look at him again knowing how he spoke about me to his mates. He certainly would never see me naked again.

Arrogance and machismo.

You're already trying to convince yourself that he didn't mean what he said to his friend - he's either lying to him or to you so either way you know he's not honest. You don't have to admit to snooping, you can gather your self respect and dump him. You deserve better.

You now know how he truly feels.

It’s up to you if you are happy with that or not.

If you confront him then he’ll just say all of the things that you want to hear, like he has been doing.
So that he can continue to have sex with you, until he can find someone else.