About these women constantly commenting on my weight?

[whalesonthebus]

NC for this as I’ve already confided in my sister and friend. I have lost 6 stone through diet & exercise after a lifelong battle with my weight and binge eating. It was very hard work and I still need to lose about 1 stone to reach a BMI of 25. During this time I also changed my hair colour from dark brown to blonde. I look completely different and so far have maintained my weight loss for the last 10 months. This isn’t a stealth boast - I’m still a size 14, have a lot of excess skin/apron tummy and general self esteem issues after a lifetime of being obese.

After I’d lost the first few stone, obviously people commented/complimented me. This was nice and made me feel good. It included friends, colleagues and clients. I do shift work and every 2-3 weeks I’m on with 3 particular women. One comes across as sweet but can be quite catty about others behind their backs, the others 2 are nice enough. If it’s relevant, the catty one is slim and blonde. EVERY single time I walk into the office, they keep exclaiming how slim I look (I’m not, just average). Gushing compliments, comments about how light my hair is and congratulations for “keeping THE weight off.”

It’s driving me mad now. I’m dreading every shift with them and feel incredibly self conscious. It no longer feels like a compliment and is starting to feel like very subtle bullying. Like I’m basically still the fatty and they can’t believe I’ve managed to stop stuffing my face all the time. Any good responses would be much appreciated. I can speak to their manager however it’d be really awkward then. So as to avoid drip feeding, they are all in their early 60’s.

I meant to add - I’m neither senior or junior to them, just a different role in the same building. I’m not based in their office but need to pop in and out at least 5-10 times per shift.

“Genuinely, thank you so much! You both have given so many compliments lately - I’d be more than happy to sit down with you and share my dieting tips with you if that’s something you’d be interested in”

think happy, sincere tone and they’re now going to be wondering whether you just implied that they’re fat and might reconsider talking weight with you… of course they may just be oblivious and manager may end up being the way to go.

I saw a great post on a different thread where an OP was being badgered about a different issue- the advice was to respond in a deadpan voice "yes, so you keep saying"
I thought that was perfect& definitely applies here too!

I'd just give a sarcastic jokey reply like "Are you STILL not used to slimmer me yet? You know its been nearly a year right?"

Then later on make some offhand passive aggressive comment to slim catty blonde bird about how great it is that she manages to bleach out her greys SO well and she looks SO great for someone of Her Age.. or something along those lines...

It's a hard one, as they may mean it sincerely, as just a compliment and encouragement. You could put the bullying theory to the test however. Next time they do this, you could say something like 'thank you, it's so kind of you to be so encouraging. It's starting to make me feel a bit self conscious now though, so can we not talk about it anymore?'. So now they'll know how you feel. If they respect your wishes, great. If not, your suspicions will be confirmed and you can act on it.

Thank you, these are great 😀. I hate confrontation and am usually quite pleasant (at work anyway!) so I think faux smiling while using these responses is the way to go. There is always the chance they are trying to be kind to me though teenage DD thinks they are making jibes.

Id just be honest....I mean if they are an older generation its possible they think they are just being encouraging and dont realiese its upsetting you.
If that doesnt work then feel free to tell them to 'feck off!'

(Im abit jealous TBH. Ive lost 7st and nobody where I work even mentions it!!LOL)😆

Maybe they're genuinely trying to be nice and think they are being supportive, of course I can understand how it is getting uncomfortable for you. Maybe let them know and they will realise? : )

Thanks Henlake. I did wonder that - my mum is a bit older than that and also obsessed with people’s weight. She’s a great mum though I did grow up with a lot of misguided comments/advice which made me eat even more.

I never comment on people’s weight loss due to my own issues and to avoid offending, though I’m sure your colleagues have noticed. I’ve found people being nicer to me including strangers, which has certainly been eye-opening.

I'd say....oh thanks ladies, really appreciate your support. But honestly I'm getting a bit self conscious with all these compliments...so do you mind if we focus on something else as I feel uncomfortable every time it's mentioned

Great suggestions from others too....mine is just another option

One of the women (not the catty one) is usually really nice and quite astute and witty. I could probably drop a few hints to her and she might stop the others. The third one is also generally nice and has told me privately that she’s trying to lose weight. It’s just as a group of 3:1 it’s quite intimidating.

'Yeah, so you keep telling me'.

It's perfectly possible they think they're being encouraging and complimentary, but just have a tin ear for human relations. I used to work with a woman who, when I was pregnant, used to say 'Ooh, getting bigger' literally every time I saw her, which might be every day. In the end I lost my temper and said 'YES, BERNIE, YOU GET THAT THIS IS HOW IT WORKS, RIGHT? THE BABY GROWS AND GROWS AND EVENTUALLY EMERGES?' and she shut up.

I don't think she in any way realised how irritating she was being. I think she was just one of those people who relies socially on a few repeated phrases like 'Lovely weather!' and 'Thank God it's Friday!' and clearly her brain saw me and went 'Insert pregnancy comment here' without actually thinking about the recipient. A very tall colleague used to be driven mad by her saying 'Is there snow on top?' at least weekly, each time with an air of having produced a brilliant witticism.

I think this is perfect. In my experience, it's more conducive to your own happiness, self-esteem and sense of control over a situation to react as if a comment was kindly meant.

By starting the conversation with this, you have made your feelings clear without losing power.
If nothing changes, you can then reassess and take it further, but if they apologise and stop, then you've established your boundaries without worsening the working relationship.

Just say, "thank you," and carry on with your office errands. They cannot complain or be cross if you give a polite response. If you give the same short response every time, they will get bored of praising your appearance and the comments will dwindle. People rarely enjoy performing for minimal reward.

Personally, I think it is nice that you get so many effusive comments - you might grow to miss them. You are as entitled to receive kind, positive comments as the next person.

Yes I’m wondering if it’s a sort of Pavlovian-type reaction when they see me! I’m sure your tall colleague found it really annoying though.

My mum was trying to describe to me one of the neighbours that she bumped into at the theatre but couldn’t remember her name. She said “you know, the THIN girl!” (The woman in question has an unusual house following a renovation that was featured on TV, 2 really lovely boys, a massive jeep and an impressive job). Eye roll moment from me. Being thin is clearly her defining/best feature in my mum’s eyes 🥴

They probably think they are complimenting you, given that you probably look so different in a good way and they can't believe how well you've done. Can't quite imagine they think you're the "office fatty" given that you're a size 14! If it's offending you just tell them, they may be baffled but it might make them realise not everyone likes this kind of compliment and fuss. Just tell them it's embarrassing you when it keeps getting highlighted.

I like this as you don't want to make things worse if they are a bit bullying, and you don't want to come across wrongly if they are being genuine. This is perfect.

I'd say....oh thanks ladies, really appreciate your support. But honestly I'm getting a bit self conscious with all these compliments...so do you mind if we focus on something else as I feel uncomfortable every time it's mentioned

Yes I really like this - I’m going to use this next time I think. I really appreciate all the advice on here

I dealt with this by saying loudly 'can youSTOP staring at my arse'

It did stop the comments!

It sounds like they are just really proud of you. When a big person loses a lot of weight it's like a whole new person. When you have a dramatic hair change, it's also like a new person! I get that a big fuss over your weight can be overwhelming and the comments about not putting it back on feels like pressure but I think it's just part and parcel of any major life change. With weight loss because it's seen as positive people are more vocal about it, but if it was a negative change they would be thinking it. It's just human nature. Compared to before they probably do think you look skinny now even though your BMI is still over 25. Just take it as a compliment and focus on your goals. You cannot control how people react to you, you can only control your own reactions.

Unless you change jobs, everywhere you go with people that knew you before will be thinking like this but some will filter their thoughts and stop the verbal diarhhea. You could always change jobs to go with the new hair and body! Otherwise just say thanks and then shift the focus on the person complimenting THEIR appearance or asking about something pertaining to them just to move the conversation away. It sounds like it became a routine to keep celebrating your massive weight loss, so just a brief thanks and changing the subject to them should soon enough make things calm down.

As a PP said, just be gracious and genuine. "Thank you, it has been hard but I'm glad I've stuck at it! Can you please stop mentioning my weight though as it gets brought up a lot in general and I'm starting to find it quite uncomfortable!"

Simple, reasonable, polite. I have no idea why people are suggesting you snap and say something rude wuen you aren't even sure of the intention behind these comments.

When a big person loses a lot of weight it's like a whole new person.

It really isn't. It's exactly the same person carrying less weight.

I quite like this. I don't know why but when someone (a woman) loses weight, she suddenly becomes public property for endless discussion.

OP, congratulations on your weight loss. You aren't a different person and you didn't look bad before, you're still the same person just slimmer and without the baggage of a heavier person. You're not a conduit for other people's curiosity or opinion.

I'm glad you've found a phrase that you like, I hope it works and people stop with their commenting.

Yes LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I was happy I'd lost weight, but I didn't want my body to be CONSTANTLY talked about when I was slim, any more than I did when I was bigger. I just wanted to ve able to exist in the world without feeling that I was being scrutinised. I still wpild like that, but now get constantly asked if I'm pregnant, due to gynae issues. Can't fucking win 😬

HousedInMySoul, there was a thread here last week where some posters felt perfectly entitled to 'compliment' any woman they wanted to, even when some of us said that we would prefer they didn't.

I was actually thinking of another weight loss thread where a woman who had lost weight was feeling anxious about running the gamut in the office because of all the 'nice' comments. They're only nice if somebody wants and appreciates them.

I personally don't like the feeling of being observed and under 'female gaze' any more than I would like it from a man. Apparently, women who don't like scrutiny and comments have no right to expect these creepy women to keep their useless thoughts to themselves.