Does anyone else's mum do this?!

[maria2bela1]

Sorry just need a rant. Me and my mum are close, she's a good mum, yes made some mistakes along the way but a good mum, helps me regularly with my children etc.

There's one thing that recently has been bugging me. She makes me pay for everything! For example when we go to cafes, it will be her idea and she will say 'go on go and pay before we leave' or when shopping she will just add her stuff to my trolley and put in all together at checkout. If it was once in a while i wouldn't even think about it, but it's every time we're together which is often. She sends me links to stuff to order for her online with no mention of reimbursing me etc. She IS my mum and honestly this is why I don't say anything, but it's like she feels entitled because she helps me sometimes. If it was one offs I wouldn't even think about it, but it's all the time. I don't know if I am just being over sensitive with this, she's my mum, should I just put up and let it go.

My mum will always pay when we go out and like some others say there's usually a fight to pay in contrast to the inlaws who not only never stick their hands in their pockets have stolen from us... maybe that's for another thread one day. 🤣

Just to add to that, there is a thread about feeling like a grown up. I'd moved out at 18 and never went back, but at about 24 we went to a family wedding in a town I knew and they didn't, as my uni friends had moved there. It was a lovely holiday place not near mine or parents home. I was able to take my parents to a really nice restaurant my uni mates had recommended and pick up the whole bill for the first time and felt like a total adult!
I could afford that as uni mates lent me their flat as they were visiting family abroad!

Mine is the opposite and by default my mum go to pay before me. Well my dad does- in their relationship he controls most of the money 🙄
MIL is as you describe. She still lives in a 70s and 80s world where things cost a pound, she doesn't do it nastily but we end up paying for everything.

Mine doesn’t, she’ll be the opposite - if I try and pay she’ll stuff money into my hand or leave it in my house somewhere.

I’m not sure what’s going on with your mum. If you can afford it and maybe it’s because she is struggling then tread sensitively. If you can’t afford it and she doesn’t have money issues then definitely try and put some boundaries in place. ‘Sorry I can’t afford coffee today mum’ - ‘I’ll just save your items here for you to pay’ etc

My mum is kind of like this, she never offers but always accepts me paying. My parents stay at ours from abroad for months at a time and contribute absolutely nothing but eat and drink like there is no tomorrow.

That's quite strange behaviour from your mum, I would say. Are you clearly rolling in it and she isn't? Even so, it's quite rude and cheeky.

I pay fair shares or more when DM and I go out but she hosts me at her home much more often than I host her at mine.

No mine doesn't do this. And vice versa I don't. It might be sometimes that we will treat the other and say oh I'll get this today - coffees and cake for example - and generally it evens out and is balanced but never would expect it and if not rest of the time we will get our own. And certainly things like shopping whether in person or online will get our own bits or transfer money over to the other to pay for it if not.

I have added my mums credit card to my Apple Pay.

Now if she asks me to order things, I'll ping it to her phone to confirm and double check she wants me to order it.

Then I use her card to pay.

Get her card added to your wallet then it becomes easier for her to pay her way.

My mum and gran used to do this - both trying to pay.

It might be that she expects it if she’s doing childcare - but you’re going to have to say something about it if you think it’s unfair.

My mum often pays for stuff.

Next time she suggests going to a cafe, reply with "only if you're paying this time, because I'm skint". And perhaps as a safety plan, in case you think she'll manipulate you into paying, reiterate as you sit down "just to check, you're definitely paying this time, aren't you? I do not have enough to cover this"

My mum does this OP and I also don’t like it. My own kids don’t even do this. My DD’s either buy it themselves or try to pay me back although a lot of the time I say don’t worry. My mum does act like she is a poor Victorian child for some reason (she isn’t) but I don’t spend much time with her anymore as it’s not just this, she doesn’t help with anything at all and hasn’t for years including helping out at meals we make for her or bringing food or drink to a gathering

My mum offers to pay in cafes.

How much do you actually save in childcare costs due to her help? Would it work out cheaper to pay directly for that?

Are you ok to start paying if you stop subbing her and she decides to stop helping g you.

Maybe have a conversation

They all sound awful and you sound too kind and generous.
Close the purse completely.
I would be so pissed off if I were you.
Both mean AND disrespectful.

No, my mum won’t let me pay. If I insist or get there first she gives me the silent treatment for a couple of weeks. I wish I could treat her some times!

My Mum's Mum does this, all the time, in pretty much exactly all the same ways as you described.

If all of 3 of us are out together my Gran always seems to think that my Mum should pay for her and for me. She says 'a mother should treat her daughter', but she never offers to treat her own!