AIBU not to get involved between exH and DD

[Notinterested80]

I split from husband 17 yrs ago. We have did 21 and ds 23 together. Da was always the golden child. Favoured from the start. I was horribly aware husband is a misogynist and took too long to leave him.

He has been low key critical of daughter since she was young and always sought to do activities with son but not with daughter telling her "girls" things don't interest him.

Both kids have done really well for themselves in excellent jobs but daughter was always the more intelligent and despite being younger earns more than DS. Husband tells her it's probably because she's pretty or lucky.

After Xmas this year daughter decided to cut all ties with her Father she says she has never been happier and she's no longer stressed about him.

He is getting grief from his new partner and has contacted me to tell me I should make daughter see sense and contact him.

I've refused. I feel she's old enough to make her own decisions. I've never bad mouthed him to her but I agree she's done the right thing. Husband is now getting ds involved telling him to make her see sense.

AIBU for not making her see her dad?

YANBU at all, if she wants to she can see a solicitor about directing him to cease contact, she is an adult now, he has no right to her time ever again.

He has reaped what he has sewn.

@TomatoSandwiches I agree. He's just telling anyone who will listen that she's a terrible person and being unfair and I'm worried this will upset her more.

I hadn't considered a solicitor. I will tell her that's an option. Thank you.

God what a horrible selfish man. He probably wouldn’t really want to see her anyway.

Do you mean there are people who would actually listen?

He's just telling anyone who will listen that she's a terrible person and being unfair

And he wonders why she won't see him...

It takes a lot to be quite that lacking in self-awareness.

If he wants her to spend time with him, he has to make it a pleasant experience. It would seem that he hasn't, and is now reaping the rewards.

It isn't uncommon for the younger child to outperform the elder child for many of the reasons you state in your post. Sometimes real, and sometimes perceived, but a driver to succeed regardless.

I am the younger child, and can count on my thumbs the number of times my mother has ever acknowledged that I am capable of anything. I haven't had the extreme experience your daughter has, but I avoid contact whenever possible as it is always a fraught experience for me. The irony is that sometimes it's perfectly pleasant, but I never know what I'm going to get in advance. I empathise with her feelings. Absentia one's self is much less stressful.

@Notinterested80 if she is so terrible why does he want to see her?

This is just about power, he has none over her and he really doesn't like it.
The best thing is to never engage with him, except a concisely worded letter from a professional imo.

He is getting grief from his new partner so he doesn’t actually want to see dd really 🤔

Your daughter is an adult and can make her own decisions.

Well he has now got son involved and telling dad she's being unreasonable. My ex mother in law has contacted daughter to say she is being selfish and she knows what her son is like but he's her father and she owes him respect.

When this didn't work he tried me. However he will have known that was futile. I know one of his work colleagues who told me he is very upset about the situation and gutted daughter has cast him aside for "no reason".

He's always been like this. He is English and as he's got older the misogyny and homophobia and
Racism
Is more pronounced. Daughter has difficulty ignoring the remarks he makes and that along with his disregard for her has meant she wants nothing to do with him.
He's been told this but he refutes it.

YANBU at all.

It's 100% her own decision to make, and I’d be staying well out of it.

I have 3 young adult kids.
1 is no contact and 2 are very low contact with their dad. Their choice, different journeys that led them to that conclusion and no influence from me either. I wouldn’t and couldn’t have controlled that decision if I tried. Their relationship status with their dad is totally about his actions post divorce and nothing that I could have done to stop it happening like this.

Yanbu - they are adults with their own minds.

YANBU at all. And you might want to tell off your ds for playing the flying monkey for his dad.

@SonicTheHodgeheg do you mind me asking, has this affected their relationship with each other?

She owes him fuck all, make sure she knows this.
He doesn't like it because it makes him look bad, everyone knows an adult child doesn't stop contact for no good reason.

Just keep supporting her, it will die down eventually when they realise she has made up her own mind.

Your poor DD. I'd support her in whatever SHE wants to do. She's an adult and can live her life as she pleases. Nobody owes anyone respect, you have to earn it.
DH went NC with his dad and we found the best response was no response to anything. It was all a big power trip and we gave him absolutely nothing to work with. DH has always been happy with decision to go NC (FIL died years ago).

It’s her decision. I do think she should tell her dad the reasons she doesn’t want to see him though (if she hasn’t already).

Daughter has told husband on countless occasions why she is annoyed with him. He refuses to believe he is in any way responsible (was the same when we divorced)

She's fed up explaining to him when his response is she's being too sensitive or "that's just how I Am"

Why on earth are you in communication with your ex's partner? I would be telling her to mind her own affairs and fuck off and then I'd be blocking her.

Think I'd be tempted to tell DB/DS to stop being a flying monkey.

Shes right and it’s good you’re not trying to get her to contact him. Your ds can do what he wants but it’s nothing to do with her.

It's never to late but he'd have to really change and apologise and make a big effort with her.
It sounds more like his partner wants it than him.

Exactly. Shame he didn’t do the decent thing and support his sister. Probably too scared to lose his favoured position.

Sounds like you've done a good job of raising a fierce, strong, independent woman there. In the face of a bellend too. Personally I'm applauding you both 👏

I wonder why the partner is pushing this. Weird. Good on your DD for having good boundaries with someone who refuses to see any of his negative actions have consequences