AIBU not to get involved between exH and DD

[Notinterested80]

I split from husband 17 yrs ago. We have did 21 and ds 23 together. Da was always the golden child. Favoured from the start. I was horribly aware husband is a misogynist and took too long to leave him.

He has been low key critical of daughter since she was young and always sought to do activities with son but not with daughter telling her "girls" things don't interest him.

Both kids have done really well for themselves in excellent jobs but daughter was always the more intelligent and despite being younger earns more than DS. Husband tells her it's probably because she's pretty or lucky.

After Xmas this year daughter decided to cut all ties with her Father she says she has never been happier and she's no longer stressed about him.

He is getting grief from his new partner and has contacted me to tell me I should make daughter see sense and contact him.

I've refused. I feel she's old enough to make her own decisions. I've never bad mouthed him to her but I agree she's done the right thing. Husband is now getting ds involved telling him to make her see sense.

AIBU for not making her see her dad?

When my ex started trying to play them off against each other because one had cut contact with him I read the riot act to the other.

Her sister was expected to respect her decision to have a relationship with their father and she was expected to respect the fact she had decided not to.

I explained the concept of flying monkeys and why they were a no go in our home. Probably slightly easier as it was almost inevitable both would cut contact with him eventually.

Have you spoken to your DS about his fathers obvious favouritism of him and how it’s perfectly acceptable for your DD not to accept that?

@Aquamarine1029 I'm not in contact with ex h new partner. Son told me she is giving his grief saying he needs to sort daughter out. Telling him she's disrespectful.

I'm defo going
To talk to son.

Can someone explain the "flying Monkey"thing pls.

Have you had a name change fail?

Flying Monkeys is when an arsehole (your ex, in this situation) is annoyed because someone (your daughter) has had enough of their nonsense and is refusing to tow the party line any longer. So the arsehole recruits mutual friends and/or family (his mother and your son) to pull your daughter back into line and make her understand how unreasonable she is being for not wanting to continue being treated like crap.

Just to add, I think you should get involved. I think you should read your DS the riot act and tell him if he says one word to your DD about their father, his bags will be packed and on his father’s doorstep before he’s had time to gather up his toothbrush. And I’d phone your ex mil and tell her that her precious son has reaped what he has sewn (sowed?) and if she wants to carry on playing the protective mother looking after her son, then she’ll meet your protective mother looking after your DD.

This puts it very well.

OP, get stuck in and sort your son out.

Then put your ex MIL straight.

I cut off my father at the same age and for a variety of reasons.

He was a shit abusive dad and an absolute bastard to DM, everyone said He's old, you're childish, you'll regret it, stuff like that

Twenty years later the bastard is still alive and I've saved myself from decades of bowing and scraping to him and other forms of emotional abuse.

I win

YANBU it's her choice

A flying monkey carries out the work of the abusive person by proxy. They can either be unwitting sympathisers or similar personalities themselves who enjoy the job. So this is both the new partner and your DS.
Definitely nip your DS’s involvement in the bud.

Dc1 went NC 7 years ago and was happy to accept that his siblings had different relationship with their dad. He never expressed an opinion on them having a relationship with their dad even though he was normally a very opinionated teen at the time.

Dc2 went VLC 2 years later.

Dc3 went VLC this year. Dc1 was surprised about dc3 as he thought all was well but when dc3 spoke about what had been happening recently, dc1 understand why dc3 came to that conclusion.

Ex would bring up dc1 to dc2 and dc3 but they grey rocked their dad. Dc2 and 3 know what their dad is like hence deciding on grey rock as the best solution. By grey rock I mean nodding along, answering “I don’t know “ to specific questions etc They aren’t annoyed that they had to deal with the questions because the amount of mentions have decreased over time (Who knew that ex could take a hint? 😉)

I'm NC with my mother. My father occasionally acts as a flying monkey (they're divorced, so it's easy for me to have a separate relationship with him) but I rebuff and he seems to have stopped.

My siblings have been great and never reproached me; they totally understand. They do have a relationship with our mother, due more to being geographically closer, but it's fairly LC.