Can't wait for DD's to go to uni!

[Icouldusetherapy]

I seem to be the only one who isn't dreading the though of empty nesting?

I have two DD's, DD 1 is going into her 3rd year and DD 2 is going into year 1. So we'll only have 1 year off from both of them, and I am already dreading DD 1 moving home!! 😖

Don't get me wrong, I do love them dearly, they're not all bad! 😆But I really feel like I've kind of done my bit, for now anyway, and it's their time to go out into the world and experience a bit of independence, and hopefully, a bit of hardship / reality. I am really sick of the mess and the sheer contempt that seem to ooze out of them most of the time. The seemingly constant huffing, puffing and eyerolling. A lot of the time it feels like I am in an emotionally abusive relationship with these young girls!

Yes, I am not blind to the fact that I have myself to blame for having raised privileged, entitled brats, with a huge dose of woke and idealism thrown in as well of course. It is a case of being able to give our children what me and DH didn't have growing up, including being openly loving, supportive and instilling common decency and hard working values.

So my question is, are there any other mothers out there who also look forward to the new stage of their lives, or AIBU?

I can't be doing with all the greeting and wailing over folks kids moving out.

We're exceptionally close and have a fab relationship BUT we didn't raise them to keep them home.

Time for them to go and live their lives. We'll only have one left at home from Sept and we can concentrate on her for a change.

I also have a chronic, terminal illness so am just thrilled to be here to see them go!

Good luck to your daughters OP!

I suspect my parents felt the same when I went to university, and also when I moved to live with friends instead of coming home again at the end of my 3 years.

I'm a nice person now though!

Oh yes It's sooo nice now my youngest is at uni. I can actually run my life as I want after 32 years of child rearing

I hear you.
I mean... you don't have to take her back. She can rent a flatshare. If you do let her come back, then at least make sure she contributes.
I can't imagine what it would be like living with my parents as an adult so I am sure she is not massively thrilled about coming home either.

I thought I'd be sad when my dd went but I wasn't at all. I'm glad that she's enjoying herself.

I don’t understand the handwringing either.My children went off and had a good time, but they were back every few months during uni holidays and we’d go and see them in between. It was nice to spend time as a couple and rediscover why we’d got married all those years ago!

YANBU op

We were happy when our kids went to Uni, really happy they settled in quickly and didn't miss us after the first few weeks had passed. I'm done with the heavy-duty mothering. I do not want to be washing, cooking, tidying etc, happy to provide advice when asked but they are adults now, and I expect them to start adulting. They set higher expectations on us than on themselves and I don't need them to start telling me what I should be doing.

I constantly feel like there's something wrong with me, reading all the tales of grief, and I have two friends who are still upset about DCs having left for uni. My youngest is finishing her first year and DC1 is doing a five year course so no one will be back home for good for a while but I'm not even looking forward to the months of summer holidays (I teach so am around for a lot of it). They are both lovely kids, good company and no trouble, but, after 20 years of looking after them, I'm loving the peace and quiet, freedom to have lazy dinners and not be constantly shopping, cooking and washing. DH and I can spend our occasional uncommitted weekends doing things that we like without having to accommodate them or feeling like we shouldn't abandon them for the day. I'm excited for their new lives and opportunities and am pleased that I have adequately independent kids who still like spending some time with us but I'm enjoying living my life as well.

The higher expectations of us bit of your post really hit home for me.

I have breast cancer. I have a 19 year old at home. Do they help me while I'm having ops and chemo? No they don't. I talk to them about it. Does anything change? Nope. I'm so hurt by it.

Yanbu. I have one child who has been through Uni and not moved back home afterwards for two years (although that is going to change this year).

And the other who is now at the end of their first year and is currently back for 3 months.

I couldn't possibly love them both more if I tried, but I did not get many empty nesting pangs when they left and generally I enjoy day to day life more when they are not here. I don't think I'm a monster for feeling that way - they are off doing their own thing and happy. We are in touch often, it's all good.

That Abba song "Slipping through my fingers" makes me gip a little bit. It's so mawkish.

YANBU OP. Mine goes off to Uni next year after a gap year and I'm excited for them. People keep making noises about empty nesting, I can't help but think it's just another stick to beat women with. You'll be sad if you don't have kids, you'll be stressed if you do and then sad when they leave, it's like it's some sort of game of life choice for women only and that you're supposed to be selfless and sad either way.

Do men get asked about empty nesting? Is it assumed they will be a middle aged mess crying into their newly departed 18 year olds childhood bedroom pillow? No. So fuck that. I'm happy, I have lots of things I want to do in my life, I will be pleased that I have raised independent adults and I will be there for them if they need me. Just maybe not as quickly as I used to be. It's a celebration for me and my DP as much as it is a celebration for the 18yos. We did a fucking good job and I'm proud of us.

How did you and your husband manage to raise "privileged, entitled brats", if you taught them common decency and hard working values?

I have a few years to go but I hear you OP.
But my DD's are old enough to say home on their own now and I have started going out. A lot!

As a single parent I've spent years at home. When they were with their dad on the weekend I was often too exhausted to do much & there was housework etc.

Not any more. This year I've gone on several 4 day weekends away already (abroad even - their Dad covers them when I am away overnight) & I go out for the evening when ever I want. They don't want to do stuff on the weekends so I leave them to it and go to the beach, for a cycle, meet friends, or whatever else I want to do. I go dancing, parties, films, theatre - whatever. If I see something I want to do I book it. This weekend I am off to a music festival & they are with their Dad.

Whats for dinner? Not sure but the fridge is full so help yourself. They are best learnt to be independent this way - I've taught them so much, now they have the space to implement things in the safety of home before they spread their wings.

Its bloody marvellous & they are starting to look at me in a totally different light. As am I.

Bonus points - we are all appreciating the nights I cook and we all eat together a lot more.

As a single parent since my youngest was one I am now fully enjoying solo life now both my 20 somethings have moved out.

Ds1 went to uni, although he moved into his dad's for the duration rather than student accommodation.

I will admit is was hard the year he didn't want to come home for Christmas.

Ds2 went to college, but stayed home, partly because of the pandemic.

Ds1 came back for a year after uni finished, but now has a flat of his own and moved out around the sane time as ds2 who is renting a flat with a friend

My expenses (food, electric, heating) have decreased markedly.

My tv watching choices are no longer judged (except when they come over for a visit) and I'm making progress with my diet with no longer having endless snacks and fattening foods for my scrawny tall sons in the house

I see more of Ds1 than when he lived with his dad, but visits on either direction are low key affairs

Only regrets are not having someone to hold the ladder when I go in the attic. Nearly a nasty accident the other week when I had to investigate a leaky roof.

I loved mine going! Especially when they were both there at the same time!

Ds is 15 and I'm already looking forward to him going to Uni 😂 love him to bits, but bloody hell I'm knackered! Looking forward to some peace and privacy

@tothelefttotheleft I needed mine to help me following a bad accident but they came home and expected me to look after them - that was a particularly bad summer.
They may be adults in name but in nature many are still babies. MIne have told me that outside the house they adult successfully but inside the house they infantilise themselves - ds in a self aware moment said he wasn't quite sure how and why and felt it was unhealthy to be home for long periods.
We are getting there but it's taking time and I suspect 25 might be a more reasonable age for the beginning of adulthood. Happy for others who've managed to get this done differently - if I had a second go at it I might have revised my approach, but we live with what we have.

I can't be doing with all the greeting and wailing over folks kids moving out.

We're exceptionally close and have a fab relationship BUT we didn't raise them to keep them home.

Time for them to go and live their lives

This, absolutely.

I am aware of the contradiction, but life can be contradictory? They have other influence in life other than just from us parents. For example, DD's have a very different socioeconomic status to both me and my husband. I think teenagers / young adults generally can be pretty brattish, I am hoping they'll grow out of it!

DD2 has been home from Uni for 4 days now and I must confess to feeling rather drained already.

She has automatically reverted into a sulky entitled teenager and I'm counting the days until September.

When she went to Uni last year I was embarrassed about how relieved I felt. The peace and quiet and freedom has been wonderful.

I get you.
I'm excited for DD to go out into the world and start her own life and have experiences. She's absolutely no trouble and a delight, but she needs to get out there. I wasn't upset over the kids starting school either, although I remember comforting one absolutely distraught mum wailing in the playground so it obviously deeply hurts some people.

I'm neither dreading an empty nest nor glad at the idea of being rid of my dc. Dd is home from her first year of uni. It's lovely to have her home! She's great company though - no oozing contempt, and mess is confined to her own room. She's a bit on the lazy side sometimes, but always does things if asked. She's keen to learn to cook a bit more over the summer as she's moving into a shared house after being in catered accommodation this year.

Ds is currently doing his GCSEs and is pretty civilised too, and quite helpful around the house. I'll miss them both when they aren't here, but glad to see thrm go off and become independent and have lots of new experiences! Dd can be a bit moody sometimes, but neither dc ever speaks to us rudely or disrespectfully.

YANBU - the eye rolling etc could have been my DD before and went off to uni. By the time she finished she had become a lovely adult woman.

I have 2 daughters finishing their uni degree right now.

One will be here next year, living at home doing a PGCE. She's lovely, helpful, but a homebody - I just need some space sometimes and I've got used to having it.

The other will be staying to do a masters at her uni, flatsharing with mates but coming and going... she is also lovely and helps out with the dog etc when needed.... but she is very politically active, and very vocally opinionated about it.

We are finding our way slowly, I feel a bit stressed about it all