Can't wait for DD's to go to uni!

[Icouldusetherapy]

I seem to be the only one who isn't dreading the though of empty nesting?

I have two DD's, DD 1 is going into her 3rd year and DD 2 is going into year 1. So we'll only have 1 year off from both of them, and I am already dreading DD 1 moving home!! 😖

Don't get me wrong, I do love them dearly, they're not all bad! 😆But I really feel like I've kind of done my bit, for now anyway, and it's their time to go out into the world and experience a bit of independence, and hopefully, a bit of hardship / reality. I am really sick of the mess and the sheer contempt that seem to ooze out of them most of the time. The seemingly constant huffing, puffing and eyerolling. A lot of the time it feels like I am in an emotionally abusive relationship with these young girls!

Yes, I am not blind to the fact that I have myself to blame for having raised privileged, entitled brats, with a huge dose of woke and idealism thrown in as well of course. It is a case of being able to give our children what me and DH didn't have growing up, including being openly loving, supportive and instilling common decency and hard working values.

So my question is, are there any other mothers out there who also look forward to the new stage of their lives, or AIBU?

I think for some stay at home mums in particular it’s a sort of grief and loss of identity similar to getting fired from a dream job.

Unlike retirement, a parent usually becomes an empty nester in their 40s 50s, so I can imagine it being a shock to someone whose values, goals and sense of self worth revolved around their main “job” of parenting.

I’m a sahm and can’t wait for my youngest to pop to university, sadly we are going to only have one ‘free’ year before the eldest comes home. I will enjoy those few months when it’s just dh and me home alone, shame it’s temporary

I hear you
I love it with just DH and I
We spend most weekends with DD1 and DD2 seems to find any reason to come home as she appreciates its comforts

It annoys me when people suggest that SAHM are particularly impacted by this - if you are impacted by this - own it! I looked after my kids, I did everything I could to give them the best start in life and that meant ensuring they could look after themselves, could cook, clean and were not overly reliant on me - being a SAHM did not make me an idiot - I planned my time and I enjoyed my freedom when they left.

I had a friend, who in a moment of despair said: I understand why mother birds push their babies out of the nest. You are not alone.

Yeah, you know that David Attenborough scene where the mother lion growls at the grown cubs and basically chases them off the patch- that'll be me

Seriously though, I hope they do fledge because my twenties in London in flat shares were the best of my life. We had such a laugh- always too much month at the end of then money but just amazing years. You just cant live that lifestyle in your parents' house.

and the sheer contempt that seem to ooze out of them most of the time. The seemingly constant huffing, puffing and eyerolling. A lot of the time it feels like I am in an emotionally abusive relationship with these young girls!

Why are you tolerating this? Before your older one moves home have a conversation with her and tell her she can live with you if she treats you with respect.

We really enjoyed when they were all in college. The two younger ones are home again - probably only for a year. I wouldn't put up with eye-rolling or contempt for a second.

YANBU@Icouldusetherapy - we got rid of DC1 last year (it’s great having a spare room for drying washing and storing crap!) and we’ve got 🤞one more year then DC2 will move out.

love them dearly but oh my god, just want our own space. They are both great kids but the making massive meals at 10pm, the “ewwww” comments when they think me and DH are DTD, the “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine” fridge drama, the debates about how me and DH know fek all, the moaning about the washing machine being on at 10sm…..it’s exhausting.

i can’t wait for the days when they visit then leave 😁

Dd 1 is going to her school for the last time tomorrow before moving to 6th form. Her school finishes at 16. So many posts of sadness about dc growing up and I have to resist commenting. I love seeing dd grow. Loved her as a baby, toddler, infant, junior and now as a teen. Enjoying every stage but also looking forward to holidays with dh and leaving the house and coming back to find itv still tidy. Although dd2 is the messy one so we’ve got a while. Not wishing time away but I’m okay it’s passing.

I'll miss DD and I'm glad that I'll get to keep her an extra year after A-levels, but I'll be happy to see her move on to a new phase in her life. On a purely personal level though, I will really miss her. She's fun to talk to, contributes to the household by cooking, cleaning etc, and is generally an excellent person to share a house with.

I’m not a SAHM I’m a working mum but I am the child of a SAHM who was very much affected by having an empty nest - to the point of several years of depression. Doesn’t make her an idiot, in the same way that being particularly impacted by job losses and redundancies doesn’t make anyon else an idiot. Why is it difficult to acknowledge that everyone is different or can be impacted by the same situation in different ways?

Of course it’s likely to affect a SAHP more - that’s just an acknowledgment of the obvious fact that they are more likely to have linked a greater sense of identity to their main job role of parenting. Hardly a controversial statement.

It’s not difficult to acknowledge we are impacted in different ways - your mum found it hard and I didn’t, I don’t make the assumptions about people relationship with their kids as a result of them being working mothers or SAHM, plenty do though.

I don't. It is the source of constant arguments / discussions and it is exhausting. I've come to the conclusion that they just can't help themselves, teenagers brains aren't fully developed and all that... To be fair my oldest has improved, but the younger one isn't much fun to deal with. Hence I'm looking forward to the new academic year! 😅

Please come to my house with your teenage whisperer super powers and sort mine out! Seriously, could be a great business idea / tv show!

Are you not dreading how much you'll have to pay towards their university costs?

Surely eldest is no longer a teenager if in year 3 of uni? And I agree with others - state in no uncertain terms that her coming home is based on her now being a grown up and acting as such, including how she treats you. If she thinks she is so above you, then she can find a room to rent and face the realities of adulthood

Hmm I don't need to pay towards DS uni costs. He has his loan and a job and manages fine on that

Mine haven’t gone yet but I feel conflicted when I think about it. I’m very much looking forward to being able to keep my home clean and tidy without it taking up so much of my time. I’m looking forward to not being asked for stuff all the time. Looking forward to the peace and quiet. And possibly being able to worry less as I will have to get my head round not knowing what time they come home, whose car they’ve gone out in, how much they’ve had to drink etc etc.

But I will miss the little day to day chats. Snuggling on the bed with the dog, having a little dance in the kitchen together… the little things.

I was the same OP, was really happy for dd to go off for her first year, we are really
close and people warned me about the emotion I’d feel leaving her there. It did feel strange walking away after leaving her in a house full of strangers but no tears and no clinging on from either of us.
i love it when she comes back and we can hang out a bit together but we’ve taught her to be independent and she’s pretty sensible.
She’s going into her final year in September and I am however counting down the months until we can stop paying for her second home 😂

Absolutely with you on this! Adore my teens but I believe if they both flourish when they move out for Uni then we've done a good job. I WFH and have since covid - I will totally be soaking up the last few years with them and loving being at home and seeing more of them but once they have gone I'll be cheerleading their future success from the sidelines :)

i didnt dread my DD going to uni, i have always encouraged my children to follow their dreams.

it did hurt me though... but i think thats normal...

If all goes to plan, my eldest is off to uni in September and I'm not feeling sad at all. I'm excited for him and proud of how hard he's worked and the lovely young man he's become. He's ready to be independent. There's only 1 school year between him and DS2 so he might be off next year too, although atm he's thinking of a gap year. I don't mind either way.

I will have DD 14 at home for a while longer so maybe that's why but I think when the time comes I'll be ok about that too. I've always enjoyed them moving on to each stage of independence though. It's tough having little ones so I've never understood the sentimentality and hand-wringing over them growing up.

That said, I work in a primary school and have worked with the current Y6 for 4 years so this might be the first time I'm sobbing in a leavers assembly 😂