to expect my DD (21) to eat meals outside of her bedroom

[TheLastTimeEver]

....is this a battle worth having? My eldest DD is a student and home from uni. We have had an ongoing battle over the past few years about her always wanting to eat her meals in her bedroom. Due to the shifts she works & fussiness with food she prepares her own meals by and large.

I made it clear that on this return from uni I was enforcing the house rule that no one eats meals in their bedroom. It can be kitchen table, island or living room if she wants. Her two siblings 17 and 14 do this.

She has just had a massive strop and left her prepared food uneaten in the kitchen as she claims it is just not enjoyable to eat other than laid out on her bed with her laptop watching something.

By way of background she has suspected ADHD and also previously had bullimia/ED. The latter is why in the past I've let this slide as I wanted her to eat and she found eating in front of other people made her anxious. But she is well in this regards tho I know that EDs can be ever present to some degree.

My objections are - hygiene. She is slovenly in any case and her room fills up with plates and so on (no matter hpw much she promises to clear as she goes). Also mental health - I don't think its great to be holed up in your room which basically she is for the entire time unless at work or socialising.

YABU - let her eat where she wants
YANBU - eating all meals in your bedroom is grim and its your house

Good luck to you and your DD @Waitingfordoggo

Oh I wouldn't sweat this one op if I were you. As others have said as long as she is eating then that is the main thing. On the proviso that plates etc are returned and washed.

Does she interact with you at other times, watch TV go for shopping trips etc and see her friends?

I would agree but you're making food a battle ground, the important thing is her relationship with food stays healthy and she eats in a relaxed manner.

Exactly this.

I think you're being harsh. In most situations I'd agree with you but she has adhd and a history of eating disorders so I don't think this is a battle you need to win.

Can you do something to enforce the rules about bringing plates down eg she has two of her own special bowls and plates which are the only ones that can be kept upstairs and if any others are found upstairs she has to hthr next meal downstairs or something. Or dark bedding in case of spills etc

I'm really not keen on eating in bedrooms. In this case I'd say she can eat in her bedroom but needs to clear away dirty dishes before going to bed each night as a minimum.

From your update I think you need to accept that she doesn't necessarily want to spend time with you as a family in such a family situation either

Don't force it

She's using home as a base between uni years, not uncommon, and may move out and do what she wants when finished. Or not because the housing market is shit and lots of young adults are stuck at home with parents who resent them and want to treat them like children

Not sure what you mean by “such a family situation” or how you deduce that I resent her or treat her as a child.

To be honest, it’s the fact that she is no longer a teen that made me think she’s mature enough to accept that meals in her bedroom isn’t ideal. But as I updated, I’ve taken on board the more balanced comments. Thanks for your thoughts.

I wouldn't be putting up with the plates etc, but I definitely wouldn't be making a big deal about the actual eating in the room if there has been a previous ED involved

Does she eat in her room at Uni?

but she doesn't

Eating in front of other people is a very common problem for ND people.

we insist on the occasional family meal with dd, but if she is having a stressful day she is absolutely allowed to eat in her room.

the reasonable boundary to set is that once a day she has to remove all her trash and dishes. This can include washing her dishes or loading them in a dishwasher as well.

I'd let her be tbh.

I wouldn’t mind snacks and drinks. But not say eating a roast dinner in the bedroom.

Autistic mum to autistic children here and we have a house rule of no food upstairs so I wouldn't allow this. You've allowed for her to eat anywhere downstairs so that should be enough.

You talk about trying to force her to be with the family essentially

I never said you resented her, I said some parents do.

Being an adult means she can decide where she wants to eat and mature enough to know if she wants some quiet time watching Netflix to relax.

All this under my roof nonsense, you'll all end up with children that resent you and won't want to come home to visit when they leave properly. Let her eat in her room ffs.

No eating in bedrooms here and we eat together. If as an adult you want to live at home, you abide by the rules

If it's something that bothers you, which it is, it is your house and at the end of the day it's up to you. We all have things that we are fussy about, mine is 'do not walk through the house with your shoes on!' so I have enforced that since my DS were tiny, although I still sometimes have to nag DS20 about trapsing mud through the hall when he is home from uni. Mine usually eat downstairs but if they particularly want to eat in their room sometimes it doesn't bother me. The plates make it to the dishwasher eventually. As a parent we have to pick our battles and you have a right to pick yours.

She has a history of an eating disorder. Don't you think allowing her to eat where she feels comfortable is important in a situation like this rather than abiding by rules?

I saw a great response before that said "beware of the rules you impose on your young adult children, it's the same rules they'll give you in the nursing home you end up dumped in"

With her ED background I'd let her eat where she wants.

My dc all choose to eat in their rooms they have ASD and need to eat alone I don’t have an issue with it at all I just want them to eat (ARFID is an issue for 2 of them)

The op said despite asking she doesn't bring her crockery down etc

YABU. If everyone was doing 9-5 and you had shared family meal times where you all ate the same thing, then I can see why you would prefer everyone to eat together at the table. However if she's preparing her own meals and eating them alone due to shift patterns, I can see why she would feel happier eating in her comfy bedroom rather than at an empty dinner table or kitchen island when everyone else is sleeping/elsewhere.

The ED and ADHD suggests even more that you should leave her alone. Your desire for easier washing up doesn't trump that.

Ultimately, you should button it with the "house rule" stuff. You might impose it on your 14 and 17 year olds, because they are children. She's 21 and deserves some respect as an adult.

It's the plates left in the bedroom that is inexcusable