to expect my DD (21) to eat meals outside of her bedroom

[TheLastTimeEver]

....is this a battle worth having? My eldest DD is a student and home from uni. We have had an ongoing battle over the past few years about her always wanting to eat her meals in her bedroom. Due to the shifts she works & fussiness with food she prepares her own meals by and large.

I made it clear that on this return from uni I was enforcing the house rule that no one eats meals in their bedroom. It can be kitchen table, island or living room if she wants. Her two siblings 17 and 14 do this.

She has just had a massive strop and left her prepared food uneaten in the kitchen as she claims it is just not enjoyable to eat other than laid out on her bed with her laptop watching something.

By way of background she has suspected ADHD and also previously had bullimia/ED. The latter is why in the past I've let this slide as I wanted her to eat and she found eating in front of other people made her anxious. But she is well in this regards tho I know that EDs can be ever present to some degree.

My objections are - hygiene. She is slovenly in any case and her room fills up with plates and so on (no matter hpw much she promises to clear as she goes). Also mental health - I don't think its great to be holed up in your room which basically she is for the entire time unless at work or socialising.

YABU - let her eat where she wants
YANBU - eating all meals in your bedroom is grim and its your house

YABU. Let her be. The most important thing is that she eats, especially with an ED history. I have one the same age, also at uni, autistic with a low-level ED. I do not tangle with him about food.

Apart from the hygiene aspect why is it such a big deal? Surely as long as she is eating then you’ve won the battle especially considering her history. Can’t you concentrate on getting her to bring down her plates etc when she’s done rather than forcing her to sit where she isn’t comfortable? She’s out working and socialising as you have said so she isn’t in there 24/7

She's an adult, let her eat where she wants. Nag her about the plates in her room if you must but unless it is stinking the rest of the house out or attracting rats it's not really worth the bother.

Absolutely no eating in bedrooms at my house. If they don’t like it as adults then they are free to move out!

Let her eat where she is comfortable to eat if she has ED history. My daughter could only eat if not watched, or thinking she was being monitored when she was very ill with ED. Doesn’t matter that it’s a mental illness, it’s still real and not eating/fighting about eating is just too damaging.

I understand the hygiene thing completely, but perhaps address that separately.

I don't see why it should be such a big deal that she eats in her room. I'd understand if it was a family meal, but if she's preparing her own food anyway what's the point of sitting at the table by herself to eat? I can absolutely see why it'd be more appealing to her to take it upstairs and watch some netflix.

Especially so given her history of ED, I think you should allow her to eat her meals however is most comfortable for her.

YABU. I did this for a while around that age for a few years

Linked to a hard time and some anxiety. I grew out of it. I think as long as she still has some meals together, no big deal.

With a history of EDs you absolutely should NOT be making this an issue.

No

I live in a studio, I eat in my bedroom. It's not that big a deal.

With a history of ED this isn't the hill I'd be dying on,

I simply wouldn't allow it. Your house your rules.

YABU, I really would not be engaging in any issue linked to food. As long as she keeps the room hygienic I would leave her be.

Sorry, I have never allowed eating in bedrooms. In fact we and my now grown up DC, when they are here either eat at the kitchen table or the island. We have never eaten in the sitting room either. So YANBU

I thought you were a bit U before you mentioned the ED. Once you mentioned it you want fully U

She's the only one eating and she cooked herself. She has an ED (it never goes away) and left her food because you pressured her. And she wants some space. And you've let it slide before so it's like you're suddenly enforcing something she hasn't had to follow

Work on getting the plates out of her room but otherwise absolutely just ignore it.

Also, she works and she socialises.... why can't she then spend a couple of hours in her room?

She's an adult with a history of ED - please don't turn food into a battleground.

I don’t think 15 minutes eating in her room or not makes a massive difference to her being ‘holed up’ in her room. Ask her to bring her plates down every day though.

I let it slide with my audhd (adult) son. When we cleared out his room, the cutlery and crockery filled the dishwasher. Not anymore. Nobody eats upstairs and unless you’re paying the mortgage you don’t get a say.

it’s all very well giving adult offspring freedom but they don’t take the responsibility to pay for what they ruin.

Thanks everyone for your considered replies.

Interestingly the vote is that I’m not BU but the replies are very much more that I am - by a considerable margin.

Ive taken on board what’s been written and do agree that given the ED I should let this one go. But I will ask her to prioritise keeping the room clean ish and spending some time downstairs.

Thanks wise MNers.

As soon as I started to read, I wondered if ED was plausible

Don't die on this hill OP, it won't end well

I’m in a really similar situation- although my DD is 18 (but has history of ED and diagnosed ADHD). So I have no advice but want to thank you for starting the thread because I’m finding the replies useful too.

I think as they get older in order to prioritise your relationship with them you have to let things that don't really matter go. In the grand scheme of everything eating in her room is a non issue. She works, she socialises, at home she just wants to be in her own environment doing her own thing. The whole my house, my rules things on things that aren't important is a quick way to make them feel like they don't really matter and aren't an important part of the household.

I really don't care where my late teens eat. I eat where I choose too. I spend pletny of time with them, if they want to eat their dinner in their room watching a film, so be it.

She’s an adult and can make her own decisions. As long as she clears up after herself I’m not sure what the issue is?