AIBU OR DO I OR DH DO TOO MUCH AT HOME?

[irishchick93]

Basically just comparing to some friends.

DH works physical job one hour away from home. 6 days a week Leaves 7am Home at 5 pm and farms for 2 hours. Home 7pm for dinner made by me and shower. Then generally takes over I have kids pj's on 1 x aged 4
1 x 9 months old

He does bedtime I then have from around 8.30ish to myself but also dishwasher uniforms etc.

However I don't work, well I don't have a paid job! Child 1 at school until 2pm and baby at nursery 2 x mornings 9-12.

I help to care for elderly in-law and do shopping bit of cleaning etc for her.

Visit my family and friends. Few lunches out.

My family are all saying I'm ridiculous and do nothing. I feel like I do so much?! Am I really spoilt??? I don't really care what they say but just wanted outsiders opinion. It's okay for them husbands working from.home etc but mine is literally away 13/14 hours everyday and we aren't financially struggling. Of course I could work a few evenings or weekends but he earns more so surely it makes more sense for him to work. Am I being called spoilt for being traditional?

Thanks if u got this far lol

Yes I don't resent this as I come from farming family myself and I know this but what irks me is none of my PIL help us out with babysitting etc? Even though DH gives up his evenings and various days throughout the year I'm not a selfish person and would happily help out anyone but wheres the help back?

Helping out family or vanity project? If the farm cant pay him, or employ someone properly then it's likely not viable.

If he's not online to inherit it then I'd be leaving the work to those that are. Is the 'grandfather' using the potential to inherit as a carrot? It's very much akin to the care you are giving to the inlaw. DH doing all the work for free and then some cousin who has done diddly squat gets it in the will? If he wants to farm, rent some land, raise some livestock independently.

It all sounds enmeshed.

Frankly if you and DH are okay with how things are divided it's frankly none of your extended family's business. Maybe say something like 'well, it works for us'.

I think you both do a lot.
I would prioritise getting tasks done during the day so that you actually have the evenings to yourself after 8.30pm.

I do think your life (unless you baby is particularly clingy or a very poor sleeper) sounds fairly relaxed compared to DH. I wouldn't call you spoilt as it's hard work looking after a baby.

I'm not sure I understand.

Do you think DH does too little at home?

I’m quite traditional tbh so I would expect you to do the majority of the work at home especially as you have all the kids in childcare for some of the time. That’s not popular on MN. But I see your ‘job’ as keeping the house and sorting the kids and your DH does bedtime and so that sounds fair to me. Are you happy though? Or would you like to work? If you’re happy then that’s all the matters.

You both do invaluable roles that allow the other to do their role.

You likely both work equally as hard.
You do most likely get more free time or more relaxed time, especially with both your children being in school/nursery some of the time.

If it works for you both it sounds fine. I guess the fact that you have time to visit family and friends and go out for lunch suggests you have quite a bit of leisure time but you're obviously still looking after your baby then. I can also imagine that your DH sees the farm as more of a pleasure than a chore.

Whoever is saying that to you is jealous and you shouldn’t pay attention to them. At all. Let it wash over you and don’t engage as their jealousy is not your issue.

No need to shout

I'm actually a bit confused here.

You look after the children all day, except for 6hrs a week while caring for elderly relatives
DH does bedtime while you do final clear up

So you both ate working long days

How are you doing nothing?

You said in your OP that you provide regular care for your elderly MIL: realistically how do you expect somebody who needs care and support for their own day to day living to babysit for a young child and a baby? Besides which, you’re a SAHM who uses childcare several days a week. It wouldn’t occur to me to offer babysitting to somebody who had chosen for their full-time “job” to be staying at home with their children and who also had regular childcare.

If your DH is unhappy with how much work his family ask him to do for their farm then he needs to address that with them.

Hi sorry its elderly g.i.l I help with. Mil is just fine sitting at home.

Also "several days a week" is 6 hrs a week 3 mornings...practically meet myself coming back lol

Typo 3hrs x 2mornings

Oh my goodness. Thanks for all the replies I was generally just interested and yes I agree people may be jealous that I don't have to work but each to there own.

Also. There's a LOT of superior mums here on MN . Oh to be so perfect 😆 🤣

You seem to have quite an easy life.

It sounds like you have it easy but there’s nothing wrong with easy if you’re happy.

I also don’t think that DH working and then coming home to put his own children to bed who he hasn’t seen all day is particularly doing a lot either. That’s just parenting.

Did you have the post recently about putting the baby in nursery? The consensus on that thread was that you were working, even if it wasn't paid, and even if that wasn't you it applies here too.

You're both working long days (and you're probably still up overnight). You're probably both tired. I don't envy either of you tbh, and I work FT with two young DC.

As the DC grow you will have more downtime if you stay a SAHP, so I do think that as that happens you should be taking on the bulk of the housework etc. But it's hard to get anything done during the day when they're so small.

If you're both happy then I think this set up is probably working well, so I would take no notice of anyone else.

Yes the second part here is important - if they're saying that because your DH does bedtime then I'd argue against it pretty strongly. Your DC get loads of time with you, they need time with him too, and he probably wants time with them even though bedtime can be difficult.

If it works for the both of you it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks OP. Ignore them whoever they are.

Are you and your husband happy with the set up?
Genuinely happy. As in had a very honest conversation and agreed it's what you both want?

If you are both happy with it then there's no problem. If it's working for the two of you then how other people view it is irrelevant and not worth space in your brain.

I can’t quite work out what the problem is - who exactly is complaining and about what exactly??

when my 3 (had 3 within 4 years so all quite close together) were small we split stuff as below

DH worked full time shifts so a mix of 12 days or nights. Obviously when he did nights he would need to sleep in the day.
I worked several evenings a week. If DH was on a shift then FIL would come over to babysit the kids.

I did the majority of the house work, laundry, shopping, cooking etc as I was the one at home in the day. DH would help with cleaning up, dishes, housework when he was home. We would split bathtime so one person did baths and the other cleaned up the kitchen after tea.

Now the kids are teenagers and all in secondary school, DH has a 9-5 job and worlds from home most of the time whereas I work 9-5 in the office, DH does more daily housework which as sweeping floors, dusting, dishes, bins etc. cooking is split between us and the 3 teens etc.

so over the years the load has varied depending on each of our other obligations. When the kids leave home it will proabbaly change again.

If that's your attitude in general, I understand why people reply that you are spoiled.

I said earlier that as long as you are both happy, your organisation is perfectly fine. But you have a child going to school every day, another one 2 mornings a week. Your husband working after work is not more a "hobby" than you helping the elderly relative.

Who are you calling a "perfect mum"? The ones who have to work full time, and are not miffed because their In-laws don't provide free childcare?

He works long days, you take care of everything at home including care for his elderly relatives. Seems very fair and balanced to me. Anyone complaining is probably just bitter that they didn't have the opportunity to do it.
I don't see putting the kids to bed after work as a chore. I work and it's a pleasure to have that time with them after not seeing them most of the day.
6 hours isn't a lot in nursery either, especially with no family support. A lot of children would spend that time or longer with a grandparent and no one would bat an eyelid about that.

To be fair I think having a 9 month old baby in nursery for two mornings a week when you are a SAHM is a luxury. I'm not criticising because when when mine were 9 months and 4 I had an au-pair.

I also agree that the time is limited when it's all drop offs and pick-ups and there are no chunks of time to get stuff done.

At that stage DH left the house at about 6.45 and got home at 9ish (sometimes away). He did stories on Saturdays. Football on Saturday afternoons. He gave me a lie in on Saturdays, I gave him one on Sundays.

Whilst I appreciate it's full on, it was a time when my time was devoted to family and the DC and I did a lot of coffee, lunches, etc., and during the seven years I was a SAHM, my time was my own more than at any stage of life. I appreciated I was very very privileged.

The au-pair went when dd was 10 months. I always had a cleaner.

It was a fabulous time. They are 29 and 26 now. One is married and has left home, one has half left home. I work full-time and wish I had that level of me time again. DH is still a workaholic! Still leaves everything to me. Still not home yet tonight.

Looking after kids that age is as hard as going to work depending on what someone's job is