Birthday party weekend

[ivise]

Hi , long story short,me and my cousins birthday is on weekend . Mine is sat hers is Sunday , she wants to go out for hers on Saturday with some of her mates and invited me . My issue is that I don't really fancy going out , it's my day and I just want to spend like a day out with family and some food . I don't really want to go out drinking . Also they are going out to one place I particularly don't like ,I feel too old for ,but she likes that place. Anyways she can do what she likes but then I don't want to ,it's actually my birthday. I think lots of girls are not coming , and now she is on my case that I need to come but I really don't want but I don't want to be rude and fall out . I kind of feel she only now begging me because there is barely anyone coming . So not sure how to politely say no ?
Also I have told her that I don't have so much money to spend on night out ,I rather spend that money on smth else x

"Sorry, I've made plans to do x for my birthday of Saturday, so I can't make it. Have fun!"

Just tell her no! Say it's your birthday and you have plans already that night. It's really not that big a drama.

She keeps saying u have to come , any time I find a reason not to she finds an answer for it 😩
I even said to her that she only asking me now because there is barely anyone coming but still she isn't taking as a no

As others have said. “Sorry, I want to do x for my bday, not a drink night out. Hope you have fun though!”
If you don’t want to and haven’t already committed to it, then just say no.

No, I hope you have a great time but that's not how I want to spend my birthday

OP this can be sorted in 2 minutes by you just telling her you’re busy, it’s your birthday and you have plans. Stop replying to her after that. You’re stressing over nothing

You don’t need to give her excuses and reasons though. It’s your birthday and you will do what you want. Her birthday doesn’t trump yours. Stop engaging in the debate.

I know because my anxiety and people pleasing will take over and I will agree even tho I don't want to . I am already thinking oh she will never talk or think I am being rude for not coming

You've got a perfectly good reason not to go. You want to spend the day with your family on YOUR birthday.

@BuggeryBumFlaps I guess so , I am anxious and people pleaser . Make it harder than it is .

Completely understand being a people pleaser it’s something I’m trying to be better at but it’s YOUR birthday! Just say no and stop texting. If she doesn’t talk to you for not going when it’s your birthday you don’t want to be around people like that anyway

“It’s not what I want to do on my birthday” should cover it.

Sucks for her I guess that she missed the Saturday birthday(which is the good one!) due to the leap year, but that’s life!

Also she probably knows you are a push over, which is why she keeps asking. She knows you, you’ll just agree to it in the end if she keeps going on. She’s taking advantage. Say no and stop stressing x

Follow up with "I'm finding it quite upsetting that you keep asking after I've said no so please stop before we fall out"

@Starmonkeys thank you , that made me feel better . I will just have to do that and whatever happens. It's my birthday and I can't be people pleasing on my actual day at least

How do you live day to day if you can’t just say no and that’s the conversation over !

When you stop people pleasing it’s really scary but after saying no a few times it’s like being a new woman…

after years of letting friends push me over I’ve started to say no, I’ve lost a couple of friends recently but I feel GREAT.

@Calamitousness is that necessary?
I am glad you are strong person ,but you don't know me

@Starmonkeys that is great to hear. I am glad you are in the better position.
I am trying all the time. Sometimes I fail ,sometimes no. It's always the what they going to think for me too ,u know ?

Yes fully understand. As I say I am and was the same, I am try to be better. I know it’s easier said than done but I think people take advantage when they know you’re a people pleaser. You only get one life and you can’t keep doing what doesn’t feel right for you. It’s your birthday, enjoy it with your family. That’s what matters the most x

Take a deep breath and send the below.

Hi X, afraid I won't be joining you for your birthday party. As it's my birthday on that day I will be spending it with my family. Have a fabulous time and let's catch up next week for a cuppa. X

@Starmonkeys thanks , you are right. I will do that..

I think people who claim to be ‘people pleasers’ need to reframe it. You aren’t a people pleaser. You aren’t making people happy and you definitely aren’t pleasing yourself (and you count as a person too).

You're a doormat with poor boundaries that people don’t respect and walk all over.

The above message is brutal and not overly kind, but it’s true and your life will be a lot happier if you start trying to please yourself and stop trying to justify your choices.

Decide what you would like to do, communicate it clearly and directly and then leave them to it. There’s no need for a back and forth, there’s no need to provide a reason. People treat you how you allow them to.

I used to be a people pleaser, still am in small ways but I made the decision a few years ago not to do this anymore, and you know what? I've not lost any friends, no one died, I didn't damage any relationships and people are fine with it. The important thing is I feel so much better!

I know this is very hard but try to remember No is a complete sentence. Try not giving reasons or apologizing - particularly the apologizing ( really, really hard not to start a refusal with 'Sorry'). Keep it brief and bear in mind that the person persisting on demanding you give a reason or do whatever they want is the one being rude and you don't have to 'nice' back. If all else fails try 'That sounds like my idea of h*ll, so no, I won't'. Then again, I am very feisty and known not to suffer fools - it's quite liberating!