To be disappointed in ex's change in attitude

[ThirdTimeIucky]

I'm probably being a bit pathetic here. After several years of separation, I think me and my ex had got to decent co parenting situation. We did birthday, mother/fathers day, Christmas bits together for my daughter. I almost felt like we'd got to the point of being friends. This had taken time but I felt pretty good about it. A few friends and family suggested my ex was being so good because he wanted us to get back together but I'd managed to convince myself this wasn't the case. I thought the ground was clear between us.

I'd always been nervous of him getting a new partner, because he did have someone not long after we separated, and that was a very low point in our ability to co-parent effectively. Roll on a few years, I believed we'd reached a great place, until he found a new partner earlier this year.

His whole attitude towards me has changed. I'm being the same as usual, friendly, kind. He's very awkward, standoffish, etc. My daughter wants us to do something for him for father's day, and I'm keen to keep up these things, because I know its important to her. But I can't help but feel he's not so keen on doing things as a trio any more. I get it to a degree. But equally for me this was always about trying to do the best for our daughter. I was just pleased that I thought we'd managed to build some sort of friendship as well. But I think I may have been wrong in this. Do I stop trying to initiate us doing bits together? Am I being unreasonable to even suggest it. I've never tried to force it, I thought it was a mutual thing. Am I being an idiot to feel a bit sad about his change in attitude?

Why did you originally split up?

This kind of set up was always going to come to an end -yabu .

@HebburnPokemon erm. Well I ended it. I had reached the end of my tether with his bad moods, he was being unkind and moody. Things had broken down between us entirely. There was lots of arguing.

I think after a few years I would expect this to end. He is entitled to move on with a new partner who may not feel comfortable with this situation and that's fair too.

He has new priorities now. One woman's trash is another's treasure and all that.

Also if you argued and you were okay with it ending I wouldn’t be sad to lose him in a friends way at all .

@Roundroundthegarden fair enough. So hiw do I deal with that with my daughter. I suppose I need to just work out how to deal with how she will feel.

I actually think doing things as a family when you are separated could have a negative effect on your daughter, you must have known deep down this would likely come to an end when one/both of you entered into a new relationship.

As nice as it is for your dd, it might be leading her to believe that you might want to get back together or it's normal to do these things together. I would gently explain to her that it's changed. Maybe get the Father's Day stuff with her but let her know that she has to spend this day with him on her own.

I understand your sadness OP however I feel like this was pretty inevitable. How old is your daughter, can you take her to choose a nice gift for her dad and she can celebrate the day with him and his new partner?

I think your daughter will be fine . Lots of this stuff is just to make the parents feel better and does not benefit the child .

Well this is a good reason why you actually shouldn’t do these things to begin with but it’s done now I’m sure your daughter will get use to it I mean you split up and she had to deal with it so?

Honestly @Youremylobster86 I've never done this before so I have no experience. As many don't. Do people generally do things re their children, that they didn't at the time think was for the best. It may not have been the right thing, who the heck does know. But equally the idea I'd known all along this would be a bad thing for my child is pretty unreasonable.

You can still facilitate her doing something for him for Father's Day. It just shouldn't be all three of you anymore. Lines have been blurred here and he is trying to redraw them now he has a new primary relationship in his life.

You, or he, need to explain to your daughter that things need to change now.

From the new partner's view, it would be a bit uncomfortable waving him off to go play happy families with his ex. However much it is meant to be about co-parenting.

I think it's beneficial to remain on friendly terms so dc can see good communication and where the dc has events both parents can attend amicably but I don't think there's a benefit to doing things together for example father's day, I think that should just be dc and dad otherwise its blurring the lines and can prevent dc building their own independent relationship with the other parent. I do think you can help your dd prepare something for your ex but I don't think you should be part of actually celebrating it.

Depending upon the age of DD, i think a conversation on how when ex didnt have a partner it was OK for some events to include all three, now that he does have a new partner it would be insensitive of you and DD to expect to keep going in the same way. See if she can put herself in the new partners shoes. Then suggest DD talks to her Dad about it and see what the two of them come up with, knowing that you are happy to go with the flow so to speak. This gives DD agency and encourages her to talk and be open about issues rather than bottling it up and maybe misjudging. This will only work if she is 12 ish plus

Completely disagree.

I can think of several families that continued to be friendly after divorce and it’s been nothing but positive for the kids.

My partner’s uncle has been divorced for 20 years, one shared child and an older step child. He has Christmas dinner with his ex and her partner every year, they are still good friends. Thanksgiving. Family events. Went to his ex’s wedding and was even a witness.

A relative split from his wife. One child. He has become firm friends with his ex wife’s new fiance. They do all big family events together. He just did a huge charity mountain hike with his ex’s fiancé and fiancé’s brother.

A friend of mine also has all family events including Christmas with her ex and his new wife. One shared daughter. Such good friends that her younger son (From second husband) was pageboy at her ex’s wedding.

Another relative has been on holiday with his ex and her new partner (and that is even more surprising because new husband was OM).

I can’t see how any of this is bad for the kids. Quite the opposite.

Hopefully OP he gets it together because I agree, if you have been able to co parent as friends it’s such a shame to lose this x

You aren't a couple, so it isn't healthy for anyone to continue doing coupley things.

Your dd is family to both of you, but you aren't a family any more.

It's past time to move on. Healthy co-parenting is communicating about drop offs, not spending time pretending you are still a family.

Its great that you can get on, I know seperated parents who sit across the room from each other at school events, but its also important to have boundaries and show her what a healthy separated relationship is. Kids need to know clearly what is and what's not and too much togetherness from seperated parents is confusing for children. DDs birthday together great, Christmas together bit unusual, but ok. Father's day and Mother's day they're only family occasions if you're a family and you're not one anymore. She should do something with just her Dad on Father's day. If that had been set from the start she wouldn't expect anything else now. You're calling him awkward and standoffish but Id say he's establishing more appropriate boundaries with someone he's no longer in a relationship with. You're co-parents, that's it, you shouldn't have any expectation of ever being a trio because you're not a family anymore.

@Stompythedinosaur. I mean I've never seen it as 'coupley' things. They are 'parenty' things. Which whatever happens, we will always be. I do have people I know who have continued to do parenty things after separation.

Sorry, but these set-ups are never sustainable (speaking as one who has lived the tale!). And it's nobody's fault, just one of those things.

Your dd will take cues from you. Sell her 2 birthdays. 2 Christmases and just you and her out for mother's day.. Ask her to ask her df what they can do together...
Tactfully telling you to enjoy not being tied to that knob anymore. You matter too op!! Dd still has 2 parents.. I bet a happier dm now too.

@JMSA thank you. Another lesson learned I suppose.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness we don't do Christmas together. For her birthday we may do a birthday tea together. For Christmas we might go together to her school Christmas fair, or another event. I hear what your saying. As said previously. Another lesson learned.

Basically don’t do things as a trio anymore, because you aren’t a trio anymore.

Your ex is probably trying to set boundaries with you (not being too friendly, and only contacting you for practical purposes), as is appropriate for an ex partner who has a new lady in his life.

Maybe on some occasions you and your ex will both be at an event for your daughter (eg graduation, wedding), but your new partners would be there too.

You would not be involved with Father’s Day or his birthday, for example.

Time to move on fully!