Is this ‘banter’

cantthinkofafunnyname70 · 2024-06-11T21:24:57+00:00

My husband asked me to read a message from his sister on WhatsApp earlier and I saw I message from his best mate that made me look further. I’m fuming and upset but I’m not sure if it’s an over reaction. Background: married 3 years, together 7, no kids, none intended . We’ve had our ups and downs but we’ve had such a long period of just getting on and being really close it’s been lovely. Early on there were some trust issues and we split up for a couple of months- pre marriage. I don’t like his mate, he’s a misogynistic cu** who gives my OH awful advice such as ‘ you need to control your woman’. I’ve asked my husband many times not to discuss any issues we might have with him, ideally talk to me or talk to another friend who doesn’t hate women! Anyway, this friend has recently joined Tinder after ending a 5 yr relationship ( although he still spends the odd weekend with her), On the message he’s telling my OH that he went on a date, ( he’s also saying she was porky and not like her profile pics- he’s not exactly David Beckham)! Anyway my OH responded and said ‘ I would’ve shagged her anyway & does she have any mates’!!!! Honestly I’m floored. I obviously can’t mention because I was snooping, but I’m sure he would say he was just being laddish but what do you think? It’s incredibly disrespectful and especially to this person that I despise. Right now I’m thinking I’m going to leave this man and let’s him enjoy his life on Tinder!

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 11/06/2024 22:29

No, for me that is not banter.
I'd be fucking fuming at the utter disrespect, sorry but your husband sounds like a twat.

Trixiefirecracker · 11/06/2024 22:30

Nope. He’s a twat.

billyt · 11/06/2024 22:31

Sounds like your OH is as sick a twat as his mate.

I have never, ever spoken about a woman like that.

It's not funny. it's thick.

How have you managed 7 years with this piece of shit?

Remove this crap from your life, it'll only get worse.

billyt · 11/06/2024 22:32

See, it's unanimous.

He's a twat. Although, frankly he's lower than that.

Raise your bar.

determinedtomakethiswork · 11/06/2024 22:34

So you couldn't trust him before your marriage and now you have seen that you can't trust him after it either. He sounds a complete bellend and you should really judge him by the company he keeps i.e. his absolutely vile friend.

Bluewhitered · 11/06/2024 22:34

Oh 😩 please don’t take this the wrong way but if he’s like that with his friend on messages - what are they like when they go out together?

Not banter just awful

Surprisedmystified · 11/06/2024 22:35

No that's not banter.
People usually have friends who share the same values and outlook as each other. If his pal is a misogynist then it's a safe bet your DH is too.
He obviously has no respect for you and after that comment I'd not trust him at all.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 11/06/2024 22:38

Birds of a feather flock together as the saying goes

Starmonkeys · 11/06/2024 22:40

Bluewhitered · 11/06/2024 22:34

Oh 😩 please don’t take this the wrong way but if he’s like that with his friend on messages - what are they like when they go out together?

Not banter just awful

This! I was about to say the same.

Bet he is just as bad as the mate behind your back

Original poster

cantthinkofafunnyname70 · 11/06/2024 22:48

I can’t disagree with anything that’s been said.

I will say he doesn’t really go out. Maybe to watch football or a curry but nothing more than that. There is a group of friends and all of them are married except this one guy.

Part of me feels like this particular friend brings out his worst side. It’s like to him he needs to pretend he’s a lad. Obviously with me he’s nothing like that but who is the real person? I don’t know anymore.

OP posts:

Surprisedmystified · 12/06/2024 00:06

Well if he was at all loyal to you he wouldn't be telling his pal that he would happily shag some random woman. Either he meant what he said or appearing to be one of the lads is more important to him than showing any respect for you. I think that shows you the real him.

Noonecares245 · 12/06/2024 00:25

FFS - are men not allowed to joke with their friends now? This is a conversation with two grown ups, clearly light hearted and here women are calling him names. Change the gender around, imagine if a man snooped on his partners phone and read the same conversation with on of her friends...i doubt the responses here would be the same!

He was clearly having banter with his mate - this does not, under any definition, constitues cheating! Rude? Maybe but why should you get to decide what he can/can't say to his mate?

WalkingonWheels · 12/06/2024 00:34

Could he have meant it as in does she have any mates for the guy who went on the date to meet?

LunaBunaD · 12/06/2024 01:07

I'd say banter.

MonsteraMama · 12/06/2024 01:13

Imagine what he's said to his homunculus friend about you. If you think for one second he hasn't discussed your sex life with this pig then you're a fool.

Nah. I couldn't be with someone who thought it was ok to speak about women like this. It's not "locker room talk" or "boys will be boys" or any of the other lame excuses for misogyny, it's being a cunt. Banter is supposed to be funny. Do you think it's funny to view women as a penis receptacle? I don't.

Catlicker · 12/06/2024 01:16

The very fact this is his best mate is surely a dealbreaker. Why would you be best mates with a misogynistic cunt

WiddlinDiddlin · 12/06/2024 02:29

WalkingonWheels · 12/06/2024 00:34

Could he have meant it as in does she have any mates for the guy who went on the date to meet?

'does she have any mates' is translated as 'is there one that would shag me'... thats pretty standard. It definitely doesn't mean 'has she got any mates you could shag instead'... even the thickest of blokes understands that shagging a woman then moving on to one of her friends is not cool.

Thats the bit that would be unforgiveable to me. The 'I would' can be intepreted as 'if I were not married/in a relationship'.. but the 'does she have any mates' negates that completely.

Either he really is a misogynist cunt like his pal, or he would like to be more like his pal, either way... ugh.

Original poster

cantthinkofafunnyname70 · 12/06/2024 07:02

Surprisedmystified · 12/06/2024 00:06

Well if he was at all loyal to you he wouldn't be telling his pal that he would happily shag some random woman. Either he meant what he said or appearing to be one of the lads is more important to him than showing any respect for you. I think that shows you the real him.

I don’t think he meant he would shag her, I thi k he meant ‘if’ he’d been on a date & the opportunity was there he’d of taken it! It’s still a horrible, base thing to say & I absolutely hate men who talk like this!

OP posts:

Original poster

cantthinkofafunnyname70 · 12/06/2024 07:10

Noonecares245 · 12/06/2024 00:25

FFS - are men not allowed to joke with their friends now? This is a conversation with two grown ups, clearly light hearted and here women are calling him names. Change the gender around, imagine if a man snooped on his partners phone and read the same conversation with on of her friends...i doubt the responses here would be the same!

He was clearly having banter with his mate - this does not, under any definition, constitues cheating! Rude? Maybe but why should you get to decide what he can/can't say to his mate?

Thanks for your perspective. I’m trying to see it like this but it’s very hurtful. And to say it even in jest to this person feels like a betrayal. I’m not being funny but he won’t get better than me, in fact he’s told me before about ‘banter’ from his mates about having a fit wife.

I don’t feel great about reading the message but it was just there when he asked me read the message from his sister- he was in garden painting.

Yea of course he can have banter with his mates and I know male banter can often be a bit school yard but ‘has she got a mate’ come on, there is a line surely?

OP posts:

Original poster

cantthinkofafunnyname70 · 12/06/2024 07:12

Catlicker · 12/06/2024 01:16

The very fact this is his best mate is surely a dealbreaker. Why would you be best mates with a misogynistic cunt

They’ve been friends since school. He’s not my cup of tea but he does have good points and is very good to my OH.

OP posts:

Trixiefirecracker · 12/06/2024 07:41

cantthinkofafunnyname70 · 12/06/2024 07:10

Thanks for your perspective. I’m trying to see it like this but it’s very hurtful. And to say it even in jest to this person feels like a betrayal. I’m not being funny but he won’t get better than me, in fact he’s told me before about ‘banter’ from his mates about having a fit wife.

I don’t feel great about reading the message but it was just there when he asked me read the message from his sister- he was in garden painting.

Yea of course he can have banter with his mates and I know male banter can often be a bit school yard but ‘has she got a mate’ come on, there is a line surely?

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Yep, it’s crossed a line. Many women on MN have an incredibly low bar where men are concerned so not surprising this poster has minimised it. It’s not acceptable to talk this way and would definitely upset and worry me, especially about what else is being said/done.

AngryBird6122 · 12/06/2024 07:42

Trixiefirecracker · 12/06/2024 07:41

Yep, it’s crossed a line. Many women on MN have an incredibly low bar where men are concerned so not surprising this poster has minimised it. It’s not acceptable to talk this way and would definitely upset and worry me, especially about what else is being said/done.

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Sounds like OP wants to minimise it 🤷🏻‍♀️

better fir the rest of us if these losers are taken anyway

Brefugee · 12/06/2024 07:43

i don't think it matters that he doesn't go out. I am going to assume that it was supposed to be "banter" and that you weren't supposed to see it. It could just be that your DH is using that kind of language because that is how they are with each other.

It's not amusing and if i thought my DH spoke like that (even in "jest") he would go right down in my estimation.

MonsteraMama · 12/06/2024 08:57

Noonecares245 · 12/06/2024 00:25

FFS - are men not allowed to joke with their friends now? This is a conversation with two grown ups, clearly light hearted and here women are calling him names. Change the gender around, imagine if a man snooped on his partners phone and read the same conversation with on of her friends...i doubt the responses here would be the same!

He was clearly having banter with his mate - this does not, under any definition, constitues cheating! Rude? Maybe but why should you get to decide what he can/can't say to his mate?

Mate. Either you're a man who's cross because you speak about women like this and are pissed off that women don't like it, or you're a woman with a pathetically low bar for male behaviour. No one is even saying he's cheating so I don't know how you've got to that conclusion, it's the disrespect.

Yes men are "allowed" to have a laugh with their mates. But women are allowed to not want to share a bed with men who talk about women like they're pieces of meat with convenient holes for them to stick their dicks in, and think that's "funny". Most of us prefer someone a bit less neanderthal.

I also wouldn't want to be around women who speak about men the same way, not that it has anywhere near the same social connotations, but smooth brains like you who make the "fLiP tHe GeNdErS" argument never acknowledge that, do they?

Calamitousness · 12/06/2024 09:03

I would honestly not be quiet about this. The relationship is fucked now anyway. Just tell him you saw the message while looking at something else and have it out with him. Then get the hell out of there. What an utter wanker. Both of them. I can honestly say because I k ow this has happened. My husband ditched ‘pals’ like that. One came to our wedding and I never had good vibes from him and really shows his colours later to my husband who
just blocked him and said he wasn’t someone he wanted to know. His views on women were vile. If your husband was decent he wouldn’t put up with this shit either. Never mind be complicit.