How to deal with awkward situation at work

[workworkworrrk]

I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable with a situation at work and not sure how to act around it.

I really enjoy my job and generally do well, positive feedback. One of my colleagues is good friends with our manager and has been for many years now before one managed the other. This is absolutely fine by me and makes no difference to my work as far as I’m concerned. Recently there has been a couple of times where things have been awkward. A few times my colleague has been privy to information before me and the rest of the team. Most recently, my colleague has messaged me on behalf of my manager (they were both together on this day) about a private matter which was not really any of colleague’s business and it should have definitely been my manager speaking to me and not her. I felt very awkward.

I struggle to put in boundaries and be polite so I end up just going along with it really but a few times recently this colleague has seemed to try and take charge of situations, make the final decision or come to a decision before consulting me. Maybe it is that I’m too permissive, but it almost feels as though she is trying to manage me. I am a lot younger and have less experience so I feel this could be why and I’m not always taken as seriously even on times where I have expressed an opinion.

I’m a little stuck, in so much as I’m not sure I can reasonably speak to my manager about the imbalance without her being - at best - privately biased towards my colleague and I fear it would just affect their treatment of me going forward if I spoke up about the dynamic, whether that’s right or not.

WWYD here? Have I just to get along with it?

I don’t really think there’s anything you can do aside from find a new job. If your manager is happy to blur the lines or choose their friend to be their deputy, they’re likely not going to be receptive to hearing your feedback - they’re already a lost cause

The problem is that I love my job and everything else about it is perfect and really convenient. The dynamic just feels uncomfortable especially when I felt as though I had to disclose info to my colleague. With hindsight I should have just ignored that message but it didn’t feel easy to as it really is as though she deputises for manager, even though we are totally on the same pay grade with the same responsibilities

How serious have they breeches of information been? Just prior knowledge or more Gdpr/personal info? If there’s something of disciplinary means is there another equal/higher manager you can speak to? Unfortunately as regards this friend feeling more superior than station/taking on decisions I don’t think there’s much you can do unless they breech something. I can see how it’s unpleasant for you though

To add if she asks you anything you should only discuss with manager or wish to discuss with manager (reason for needing sick leave etc…) absolutely say no I won’t give you this personal info it’s private between me and manager

No breech at all, just colleague almost coming across in an authoritative way/ instructing me what to do work-wise. I don’t know how to deal with that as she’s not my manager and we do the same job.

I could speak to another manager but it would ruffle feathers. Someone else did previously (now in a new job) and it just caused a stir, she left soon after… probably because it was awkward! It does feel cliquey. As individuals they are lovely but the dynamic is just so awkward

Has anyone else dealt with this before?

That's really bad. Your manager isn't doing her job properly and her little running mate is getting above herself.

Has anyone else at work noticed this happening - to you or to themselves?

For one thing you need to shut your colleague down every single time she tries to manage you. When you speak to your manager, keep a note about what you talk about and the date and time. If there's any breach in trust then that's the time when you can report it to HR.

Are there any other openings in the same company?

What about planning what to say in advance next time, eg "Oh Jane, I know you're friends with the manager but you're not her deputy. You're the same level as I am, so please don't tell me what to do."

This is a very awkward situation, the best way to resolve it is to it take our higher up/HR.
You say the private matter was not a breach of GDPR but actually if it was private information about you, then it very likely was a breach! That's not okay.

But, if you're concerned about this getting more awkward, the only way to avoid that is to keep quiet and accept it or leave.
I don't suppose you're in a Union are you?

Is this colleague the same grade as you ? This is totally inappropriate. When your colleague who isn’t your manager messages you about such issues perhaps you could reply with something like “thanks for highlighting this but I am not in a position to discuss this issue with you as you are not my line manager” . Then leave it at that and see what happens.

Agree you plan your responses based on what she’s brought up previously. It is hard to screw up enough courage to deal with this especially at first, but if you let it go on your colleague will take more and more liberties if she isn’t brought to heel.

Try “oh, Jane, I didn’t know you were covering for Manager, is she on annual leave?” or “did Manager ask you to allocate workload today, she didn’t say you were standing in for her” or “Manager asked me to prioritise X today, so I’m getting in with that, thanks”.

You could also ask your manager at next one to one meeting if deputising role was being advertised internally to interested parties or were they just tapping a preferred person on shoulder; or ask if they could let the whole team know if they were asking someone to pick up the slack in their job so everyone in the team knew what was happening. All with a helpful expression - that may open a dialogue with them.

If this is an unofficial arrangement (and it sounds as if it is) hopefully your responses will let”Jane” know you are not wearing her assuming an unofficial team leader role and she’ll dial it back. Would be good if you could persuade others to take the same approach.

If not, you will have to consider going over your boss’s head or changing job - and why should you do that?

It’s a small team so difficult to say if they’ve noticed, haven’t asked them and I work with this colleague more than others do

Is it ok to say something like that? I’m worried she’d report me if I was that blunt, but I wish I could be!

Yes same grade. It’s so awkward. I think maybe feels in a position to as significantly more experience than me, but at the end of the day we’re in the same job and she has never trained me or mentored me or anything, nor does she have any such responsibilities for anyone else

I feel like you are mixing things up. Your manager asking your colleague to approach you about a private matter that's nothing to do with her. I'd be raising it with my manager and thinking about making a complaint about my manager depending what it was.
The informal deputy stuff re work issues. There is always one in every team. You have to learn to speak up and push back or step aside and do something else.

Manager will already be aware as AFAIK they were together when the message was sent which is even more puzzling why manager wouldn’t just do it

I have a similar situation. Colleague is friends with manager and has been for years. Colleague basically gets away with murder, taking time off when they please, his sick record is off the chart but hasn't been put on a sickness stage for it.
Last year a close family member of mine died and I took time off and was put on a sickness stage, fair enough but colleague has had more sickness than me and no action was taken.
I'm currently looking for a new job

@redalex261 thank you, I think I will have to find a way to bring it up when it happens just if nothing else but to make her aware I’m aware of it…

Manager would think I was being funny if I said something about that as no such deputy roles exist in any other team, nor ours. I can’t think of a way to say it where she’d be receptive. She is lovely but wouldn’t understand the problem I don’t think.

Is it ok to say something like that? I’m worried she’d report me if I was that blunt, but I wish I could be!

Of course it’s okay. Otherwise people will just walk all over you everywhere in life.

I don’t think reporting a work colleague for being blunt is a thing 😅 My advice would be to stop worrying about what others think of you or your bluntness, and make sure that you stand up for yourself and demand respect from others, just like you would respect them. It’s okay to expect people to treat us right. Really, really ok.

I meant complain to your manager that she (your manager) involves your colleague in your private business or go above her head.

It’s really frustrating and awkward, isn’t it? Are you in a small team?

Ahh ok I see. If I go above her head I can’t see it would make things any better. They will still be friends and they’ll have a private reason to be annoyed at me for causing issue. Suppose it’s a lose lose situ though because the same could happen if I raise it with her

I just wouldn’t discuss anything with the colleague who is the same grade. Keep saying things like thanks, I will discuss with my line manager when I hear from them, and don’t discuss further. It’s awkward but I’m sure the word will get back to your line manager. And If it’s really important they should not contact you through this person but directly, so it’s up to them to sort it out not you.

I am in the situation of your manager here, as I have a direct report who I am also friend with. I had initially recruited her for a short-term cover, but her role became permanent. She also is the most experienced person on the team.

It's not an easy situation at all for me, and to be honest she is definitely privy to information about our work/company I shouldn't share ahead of the official announcement...
However, I would never share private information about other members of the team, and it is very clear she is not their manager.

The best you can do if you don't want to ignore it, is to have an honest discussion with her about the situation with your colleague. I would take the example of that message from your colleague that made you uncomfortable (you don't actually have to imply that your manager did anything wrong, she will know if she did). You can also mention that this colleague is excluding you from important decisions about your team work.
If you want to be less confrontational, you could introduce this as a request for advice on stakeholder management, to improve your work relationship with that colleague.

I'd ignore any messages from colleague, if she's with Manager and sending a message on manager behalf I'd reply directly to Manager and cut her out of conversation.
With tasks, I'd refer back to Manager re priorities etc.