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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Peeping through opaque windows?

63 replies

ThingsPeopleDo · 11/06/2024 17:09

A senior male DF lives in a row of maisonettes above shops. The end of the walkway overlooks the garden of some other flats. When short of breath, he sometimes pauses and looks at the plants in that garden for a couple of minutes (certainly no longer and there are no other gardens nearby to look at). A woman resident there complained to DF's female friend that he stares into her window, making her uncomfortable. A couple of male residents allegedly support her.

Those windows have an extremely dark heat-reflective glass which you just can't see into from outside. You couldn't see if anybody was inside. DF doesn't know the complainant or which flat she's in. He just saw dark glass and didn't think about being seen from inside and ppl thinking he was peeping. He has no intention of looking into windows. His very highly valued female friend of several years (not GF) takes the woman's side (been friends with her for 1-2 months). She says he shouldn't even use those steps down to ground (there are others).

Has DF done wrong, and are either/both women being unreasonable? He doesn't like upsetting ppl.

YABU - He shouldn't look into the garden at all.
YANBU - He may be naive but hasn't done anything pervy or wrong. His friend should support him.

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 11/06/2024 17:48

5128gap · 11/06/2024 17:27

If he doesn't like upsetting people he needs to stop staring out of that window. Just because he knows he's not peeping and can't see anything, doesn't mean he's not unerving women. It doesn't sound like a big ask to stop doing something minor for him that's causing women discomfort, so the decent and easiest thing to do is surely just stop. Tbh it's in his interests as now he's been told if he carried on, it will seem deliberate and if he gets himself a label, people will not be kind.

He's not staring out of a window. In actual fact, the woman is staring out of the window AT HIM. He doesn't even know she's there, because he can see literally nothing. He is no more invading her privacy than he would be if he was standing on the other side of a brick wall.

EatCrow · 11/06/2024 17:48

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 11/06/2024 17:47

He doesn't need to modify his behaviour to make a woman feel more comfortable wtf!

There's one way glass so he can't even see in and her window overlooks a garden ANYONE can look at

He's done nothing wrong and she should apologise to him for making HIM uncomfortable!

Hear hear! And shame on his ‘friend’ who’s taken against him.

ThingsPeopleDo · 11/06/2024 17:50

neilyoungismyhero · 11/06/2024 17:27

It sounds like his lady friend knows the complainant or have I misread - if as you say, she is supporting her? Hasn't your dad explained the situation to his chum who could pass it on to worried neighbour?

The lady friend has recently befriended the complainant apparently, and is taking her side. It seems strange and unfair. It seems there are no suitable intermediaries.

OP posts:
EatCrow · 11/06/2024 17:51

Can you add a third option in your vote OP - c) he’s done absolutely nothing wrong.

5128gap · 11/06/2024 17:57

KreedKafer · 11/06/2024 17:48

He's not staring out of a window. In actual fact, the woman is staring out of the window AT HIM. He doesn't even know she's there, because he can see literally nothing. He is no more invading her privacy than he would be if he was standing on the other side of a brick wall.

It hardly matters, does it? Several people are accusing him of staring in at women. He will make life a whole lot easier for himself by simply stopping. If I were him and I stood to get a reputation as a peeping Tom even if groundless, staring at plants is not the hill I'd die on. Would you?

MiriamMay · 11/06/2024 18:00

If lots of people are taking the woman’s side, including his good friend, you have to consider that he might well have engaged in behaviour that is making her uncomfortable.

midgetastic · 11/06/2024 18:01

Grief "accused of staring at someone"

If you don't want to be seen you make sure your windows are obscured- oh wait - they are

rainbowunicorn · 11/06/2024 18:01

Bloody hell the reading comprehension on this site gets worse every day.

midgetastic · 11/06/2024 18:02

Or she's like this thread - managed to drum up outrage

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 11/06/2024 18:02

I can't believe how many people are saying he'd deserve it if he got called a pervert etc rather than pointing out the woman is in the wrong to accuse an elderly man just stopping to catch his breath and look at the flowers of perving through a window he can't even SEE through

Well, tbf, it is MN. Someone will be along in a minute to say he probably was perving and is lying to cover it up!

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 11/06/2024 18:03

MiriamMay · 11/06/2024 18:00

If lots of people are taking the woman’s side, including his good friend, you have to consider that he might well have engaged in behaviour that is making her uncomfortable.

Ah no beat me to it!

Someone already HAS

TheTartfulLodger · 11/06/2024 18:06

ThingsPeopleDo · 11/06/2024 17:50

The lady friend has recently befriended the complainant apparently, and is taking her side. It seems strange and unfair. It seems there are no suitable intermediaries.

Edited

Perhaps the lady friend is part of the problem then.

Allofaflutter · 11/06/2024 18:06

She is harassing him if anything.

Allofaflutter · 11/06/2024 18:06

Her and her gang.

ManilowBarry · 11/06/2024 18:53

Get the hysterical bint to accompany you to the walkway and look into her home and garden so she can see for herself that your lovely dad is simply pausing for breath, taking in some air and admiring her garden!

ThingsPeopleDo · 11/06/2024 19:00

ManilowBarry · 11/06/2024 18:53

Get the hysterical bint to accompany you to the walkway and look into her home and garden so she can see for herself that your lovely dad is simply pausing for breath, taking in some air and admiring her garden!

All she has to do is look into any ground floor window in her little block of over 55s flats. Hardly a prime perving site!

OP posts:
Halfheadhighlights · 11/06/2024 19:25

ThingsPeopleDo · 11/06/2024 17:45

Well done, you've got it thank you! I should have explained better, ppl read in a hurry!

There was nothing wrong with your explanation. I got it first go, people don’t read properly

Allofaflutter · 11/06/2024 19:35

I don’t think it’s about him looking as she had no way of knowing he had. It’s a power play to gain sympathy and isolate him.

QuickDraining · 11/06/2024 19:50

I'm blind as a bat, and like to have a good pause and look and listen. I can't see someone a metre away let alone any further without my glasses so I always find the idea that people are worried about people peeping quite funny. We don't bother with curtains here. Why would someone want to look?

Allofaflutter · 11/06/2024 19:51

And it seems to be working.

Wizardcalledoz · 11/06/2024 20:22

Has he spoken to the complainant and explained? It's quite normal for elderly people to need to stop every now and then, and to find certain spots along their route to do so out of the way and where they're comfortable. How does she think he is looking in if he's looking at the gardens anyway? Is the window behind the garden? (Are you up to a mn diagram?!)

ThingsPeopleDo · 11/06/2024 20:46

Wizardcalledoz -

His former "friend" told him about the complaint by her new friend. He doesn't know the complainant at all, or which flat she lives in. If he or anybody taking his side tries to approach her, his ex-friend will really kick off.

We assume that her flat is one of several the other side of the small garden. Seeing a face looking in the general direction, a person could wonder if they were being watched I expect. But IMHO people can usually see if somebody is looking straight at them rather than something nearby. Brains are programmed that way.

OP posts:
ThingsPeopleDo · 11/06/2024 21:08

ManilowBarry · 11/06/2024 18:53

Get the hysterical bint to accompany you to the walkway and look into her home and garden so she can see for herself that your lovely dad is simply pausing for breath, taking in some air and admiring her garden!

I meant flats for over 55yrs, not 55 number flats BTW

OP posts:
Jc2001 · 11/06/2024 21:11

ThingsPeopleDo · 11/06/2024 17:21

Perhaps I didn't make this clear. With dark heat-reflective glass you can see out to a brighter exterior but not into the darker interior.

DF and I both thought everybody knew this.

Ok, you need to look up what opaque means.

durundundun · 11/06/2024 21:19

Allofaflutter · 11/06/2024 17:25

So both windows have one way glass film? So he can’t see her and she can’t see him? wtf is anyone complaint about then. If he was able to see her and she could see him then I could understand her being uncomfortable but if he can’t see her and she can’t see him I’m confused as to why there’s a problem.

Nooooo. She can see out. He and no one else can see in.

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