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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to throttle my MIL

32 replies

rascal1979 · 07/04/2008 17:50

MIL is fast becomign MIl from hell since we had DD. She has always been the one to 'intefer' as opposed to my parents or FIL.

Last Sunday she rang at 6pm announcing that she was coming round. DH and I were in the middle of an arguement but I was also knackered as we havea tiny baby = no sleep. I motioned to DH to tell her not to come so he mumbled that I was tired. Cue MIL throwing a strop and putting the phone down.

I let her settle then rang back to say that I was not being 'funny'with her - which was the truth - didn't want to see anyone at that time, had an arguement and DD cluster feeds (Breastfed so all me) at that time so not the best time to visit - which she knows - but we are both tired etc and she knows what it's like with a small baby. She said that she was only going to come for 10 min and if wew ere in she couldn't see why not. I stuck to my guns and said that I don't mind her coming up but would like forwarning and if it's okay re me if I want visitors etc.

Not heard from her since.

DH has just phoned to give me heads up. MIL has rung him at work to say that she is coming up tonight about 7pm just as DH gets in from work and DD is at the height of cluster feeding.

AIBU to be mightly pissed off that she is deliberately telling DH rather than ringing me - which she would normally do. She has total disregard for how I feel. Had snide comments about how she can't hold her for long cos DD is always feeding - helllo she is BF on demand I don't choose to have her permanantly on my breast! She was also a PITA when DD was on special care always visiting after 7pm when I asked everyone to respect that 7-9pm was for me, DH and daughter only.

Apparently she has been moaning to a mutual friend that she had to book an appt to see her own granddaughter arrghhhhhhhhhhh give me strength.

oh and there is no reason why she can't come during the day - she is her own boss so could nip out at lunch time etc quite easily.

OP posts:

waffletrees · 07/04/2008 17:53

YANBU - lock yourself in the bedroom with baby for the cluster feeds. Make sure you have a good supply of drinks, magazines etc. Small babies feed better when their is peace and quiet - maybe the nosy old trout will take the hint and come round at a more suitable time.

yorkshirepudding · 07/04/2008 17:53

Message withdrawn

Original poster

rascal1979 · 07/04/2008 17:55

Lol Waffletrees - I might just do that!
Yorkshire - I would have done so and Have but when I try to she accused me of setting a appt to see DD. Can't win

OP posts:

Caz10 · 07/04/2008 17:58

oh rascal i know JUST how you feel! can't say i have an answer though, but you have my sympathies, esp re the "is she feeding AGAIN?!" element of it

make sure DH is on side - mine thankfully is v blunt with his mum, more than i would ever dare, and she seems to respect it somehow.

hercules1 · 07/04/2008 17:58

MAke sure you're wearing a nightie when she comes round, wet patches randomly on it, one breast hanging out, the other with baby permanently attached. She'll soon realise it's not the best time.

NoNickname · 07/04/2008 17:59

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to be "unavailable" with the baby (locked away in your bedroom) because you don't want to feed in front of her because of her nasty comments. It is obvious she is only coming round to see the baby, not you and dh, so she will soon get the message.

And soon enough, 7pm will also be bedtime for your dd, so that will be off limits too!

yorkshirepudding · 07/04/2008 18:00

Message withdrawn

Dropdeadfred · 07/04/2008 18:03

I just wouldn't even answer the door. That should get the mesage across loud and clear.

mumblesmummy · 07/04/2008 19:25

MILs seem to want to control things and that's why they're purposely awkward- just to control. I think they also like to think they're an exception and feel they should have special treatment.

I would put my foot down if I were you. Get DH to explain that you're your own family and she needs to respect that you're in your own routines, and she can't just pick and chose when she wants to come round if it's inconvenient for you.

I agree with waffle and hercules

WanderingTrolley · 07/04/2008 19:37

(just had peep at your profile, beautiful baby)

I'm guessing she doesn't sleep through. Phone your MIL at 3am, or whenever you're up in the middle of the night. In the ensuing conversation, make sure you use this phrase:

FFS do I have to make an appointment to phone my own MIL

Taking a bath yourself, leaving crying baby with MIL worth doing if you can stand it. Or just lock yourselves in the bathroom like waffle says, or perhaps a nearby hotel.

BibiThree · 07/04/2008 19:44

Agree with mumblesmummy, it's a control thing. Not only is it bad enough we've stolen their sons from the, we now want to control our own lives too?! the ckeek of it!

MIL and I get on okay, but our relationship has been noticeable strained since the dts were born, this happened after dd too.

We were over there the other day and she was moaning about dh's friend whose wife has just had a baby (already has a toddler) and has said she's too tired for visitors at the moment. Fair enough I say but she was scandalised at how rude and inconsiderate the baby's mother was being.

After that waffle, just wanted to say, stand firm and moan on here when things get tough!

arthursmum · 07/04/2008 20:46

Not wishing to simplify things but could you suggest / ask if she could maybe come round in the daytime at ?? o'clock and have a bit of one on one time with baby while you have a well earned rest. Would make her feel useful and also give you a bit of time out from what sounds like a punishing schedule. I think sometimes MIL's need to feel needed. And at other times mummies just need to put their feet down and say "F**k off woman I've just had a baby and need a break, if you are going to come round at seven o'clock at least have the decency to bring round a nice bottle of wine and then paint my toenails".Its up to you really

Original poster

rascal1979 · 07/04/2008 20:58

LOL at all these replies. I actually feel quite guilty now tho as she brought us some pressies for our anniversary tomorrow - including £40 for a meal

DD fed for the entire hour she was here so she didn't even get a cuddle - feel mean now opps !

OP posts:

scanner · 07/04/2008 21:05

Is there a time in the day that would suit you, perhaps at time during the day where you really could do with an extra pair of hands.

Grandparents want to feel involved imo, if you plumped for a time of day where she could look after dd while perhaps you had a soak in the bath. You'd be close enough for your own reassurance, but also enjoy some peace.

sarahloumadam · 07/04/2008 21:27

No don't feel mean - YANBU! Maybe she has realised the error of her ways! And what is more important to your beautiful DD, food or cuddles from Grandma? Think my MIL secretly feels a bit side-lined because of the breast-feeding (ILs are family of bottle feeders) and now DS goes to sleep around 7 so she is learning to come and see him during the day if she wants a look in.

Shhhh · 07/04/2008 22:27

bloody grandparents . Don't get me started...

handlemecarefully · 07/04/2008 22:37

Whilst you are not being unreasonable - I think she feels vulnerable insecure and a bit frozen out. It's a PITA being a mother in law (I am already dreading it and it's at least 20 years away). You are totally at the mercy of your DIL as usually men (your son) are in the thrall of their wives and so MIL's access to her son and extended family is 'controlled' by DIL...

I think it wouldn't do some of us any harm to get a bit of empathy and consider how that feels. Those of you with baby sons / little boys take a long look at them and remind yourselves that in a few years time your adult relationship with them with be largely influenced by the woman they marry. Women are the movers and the shapers in most relationships.

Any way Rascal you sound lovely. Could you ring MIL and tell her (with genuine warmth) that you love that she is so committed to her grandchild and your welcome her visits (that should melt her and make her more receptive) - but explain candidly what constitutes good times for a visit and what constitutes bad?

handlemecarefully · 07/04/2008 22:40

"Agree with mumblesmummy, it's a control thing. Not only is it bad enough we've stolen their sons from the, we now want to control our own lives too?! the ckeek of it!"

Incidentally, this pissed me off bibi

alicet · 08/04/2008 10:38

I think YANBU rascal and yes she does have to make an appointment to see her grandaughter in the early days!

However with 2 little boys I understand where handlemecarefully is coming from. Having said that I see it as my responsibilty to develop the sort of relationship with my sons and their future wives where me visiting will be seen as a pleasure and not a burden. If I don't take the time to do this and am not sensitive enough to their dil's wishes and their own family time I will think it my own fault if posts like this about me appear in years to come.

Yes MILs do get bad press and are starting from a backward step but a lot of them do ask for their bad press imho!

Ineedacleaner · 08/04/2008 13:29

Apparently she has been moaning to a mutual friend that she had to book an appt to see her own granddaughter arrghhhhhhhhhhh give me strength.

OMG do we have the same MIL lol mine said exactly this. YANBU to feel like this, the early days with a baby are tiring and when you have someone not resepcting your space like this it is hard. I rarley refused MIL in situations like this unles there really was a reason but she got more and more stroppy so I began to dig my heels in now to the point that I do sometimes say we are busy because she has got so underhand at trying to come round like telling dd to ask mummy and things so that I am less likely to say no to her.

MIL now goes in a regular huff and tells anyone who will listen that I will need her before she needs me which is a shame because really I can cope without her round here every day and she herself is taking the pleasure out of her visits.

On the other hadn though my mum can a pains ometimes but you can tell her to back off without her sobbing (MIL literally sobs) about how hard done by she is.

cornsilk · 08/04/2008 13:34

Does your mum live close?

Ineedacleaner · 08/04/2008 13:45

Who me or the O/P?

cornsilk · 08/04/2008 13:46

the op

Twiglett · 08/04/2008 13:52

can't you ask her to help with specific things, make her feel useful?

or move at least 100 miles away .. I have always found that I need a 189 mile exclusion zone from my parents

BibiThree · 09/04/2008 10:53

I'm sorry it pisses you off handlemecarefully , but that's the way my MIL is and on more than one occasion she's told me I've "stolen" her baby boy from her. I'm also sorry she sees it that way, but he's a grown man and CHOSE to marry me and make a life with me instead of stay at home to be looked after by her.

AFWIW, my MIL is very controlling about getting her own way, which makes me dig me heels in even more after 7 years of giving in to keep the peace. I became a mother myself and decided I would parent my child how I saw fit, not how she insisted I do things. If that makes me a bad DIL then so be it. But I am a good mother and wife.

rant over

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