please help

[WorthyLurker]

i’ve never really done anything like this but i need help. i’m a 29 yr old single mum of 8 yr old twins, in september of 2022, i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and autism, among general social anxiety. after my diagnosis, i feel like everything fell apart. i lost my mum, last year in may, then my cat passed away a few months later and it hit my mental health Hard.

ive been struggling a lot with keeping up with household chores and it’s gotten out of hand. i’ve tried asking family for help but it always goes the same way, they say they will and then they never do, ive gotten quotes from cleaning company’s for hoarders and such and it’s like two grand just for a deposit and i simply can’t do that. im so terrified of losing these kids cause they are the only reason im still here today, but im at a point where im considering calling social services on myself. but im not sure whether they would just take them away instantly, or if they would actually try and help me.

my son is autistic too, and my daughter is so shy, im afraid that they’ll take them from me and they’ll both just be so afraid. i love them more than anything, i want so badly to do better for them but just looking at the mess gives me anxiety and i just don’t know where to start. i feel so ashamed, i don’t want them to remember this as their childhood.

SS will not want to take your kids unless they feel they are at high risk.
Taking kids into care is expensive.

Asking for help is important. Have you seen your GP?

I haven’t seen my GP since my diagnosis tbh, i was taken off all medication and given pamphlets about group therapies and that’s it. I’m also not sure what to ask them in this instance.

Where abouts in the country are you OP?

How old are your children? You may be able to get some help from the pastoral team at school.

Is it help with the cleaning and tidying you need OP? You mention hoarding- are you still doing that or have you stopped and are now dealing with what you accumulated?

OP I’m so sorry you’re struggling. Was the medication working? Why did they take you off it?

We live in the highlands of scotland, and my kids are both 8 years old.

Take one room at at time. Do a couple of hours every day. Get some bags, stick some music on and start attacking it when you can.

I agree that a GP appointment would be a good place to start. Tell them you're struggling since the diagnosis, and that it has led to hoarding behaviours and you're concerned that your DC might be affected.

Perhaps it would help to go back on medication?

Is the whole house unmanageable, or are there any spots where your/the DC can relax in comfort?

Contact your GP, ask also for an appointment with the community link worker. They will signpost you to agencies local to your area who can help, it's not just "phone this number", it should be handholding too.
Contact Citrus energy in Ardrossan for energy cost help.
Contact the school for referral to CaMHS for your children to get help.
Is there a group.like Salvation army nearby who may be able to help?
As others have said, one bag at a time, little steps. Good luck.

Break the problem down into much smaller chunks.
Your first jobs are

1. If you don’t have them buy bin bags, clothes and cleaning spray
2. Remove any clutter from the stairs
3. Empty all bins and put new bags in them
4. Kitchen
5. Bathroom
6. Kids Bedrooms

For each of the above break it down further.
Stairs

1. Remove any clutter from the stairs as this is a health and safety risk
2. Bin any of the rubbish
3. Put away everything else

Bins

1. Empty the bins in each room
2. Put bags in the bins that need them
3. Put all the bags in the outside bin

Carry on breaking the tasks down into smaller steps for the other areas.

I can try and get an appointment.

Id say most of it really is a bit unmanageable. We have our beds and the sofa really as good places to sit and chill, but it’s still a messy surrounding. My brother tried to help once but kind of just made it worse by putting stuff in black bags and then instead of taking them away, just throwing it in a corner.
I have to get it sorted, I feel the worst parent ever for making them live like this.

Aim to do half an hour a day. Start with whatever you think will show most useful and/or visible results quickly. Once you get going, you'll probably feel up to doing more.

But do see your GP. You can't be left to cope with your illness on your own.

You’re not a bad parent. You’re overwhelmed. If you sort your MH you’ll feel more able to start. Trust me on this one! I’m sorting my house out after years of not keeping on top of things. One step at a time.

Do you work op? I know it can be so hard to find the time to tidy when you work and you’ve got kids on your own. Like others have said try and do just half an hour a day. If you don’t work or you are part time maybe try and do a few hours a day to get going with it. Focus on one room at a time.

Oh I'm sorry. Thats an awful lot to cope with.

Personally I'd avoid Social Services getting involved in my life.

Have you got a local twins support group?

Local church, even if you aren't religious will often help.

Support groups for your various conditions?

There is this woman who has videos & podcasts (all free) who has developed a system of decluttering because none of the other systems worked for her. She's undiagnosed, but says she probably is on the spectrum. She is great, makes it easy and motivating. She works (and explains how) so that it never makes more mess, no matter how little time you have it's always better after. Just 5 minutes at a time will see progress.

give her a chance to help you.

She started off blogging because she wanted to be a writer, but was too overwhelmed by the state of her house to write.

she started off anonymously as Nonna A slob comes clean.

https://www.aslobcomesclean.com/2022/04/daily-tasks-and-the-5-step-decluttering-method-bring-big-changes/

sorry I can't be practical help, but I hope this does help, keep posting xx

Are you able to throw stuff out? Or do you get stuck on the 'I need to keep it' bit?

If you can throw away then the advice above (and there are mn hoarders threads too). If you 'need' to keep things you need more help probably.

Can your DC help? Are there classes of things? Eg find all the clothes lying around put them on my bed and we'll sort.

Can you afford a skip? Do not worry about sorting stuff out and recycling at this point just chuck anything you don’t need. Or just put as much as you can in your rubbish collection each week.

Please go to the GP and ask to be assessed for depression. That feeling of being unable to start because it’s all so overwhelming is a classic symptom for me. And given all that you’ve been through it wouldn’t be a surprise. Medication really can help, and counselling might also be useful.

On the house issue, apply for Sort Your Life Out and get Stacey Solomon to do it!

Instead of contacting children's social services contact adult social care. You are likely elligible for support for yourself. They will refer to Children's Social services if needed but their focus will be putting support in for you to be able to manage day to day living which should enable you to meet your Children's needs.

Social services priority is to work with you. Our Council has a specialist service that works with hoarders to help them sort and dispose of unnecessary stuff.

First of all, well done for reaching out and asking for help here. You are a good mum - you are focused on improving things for your children. You need to see GP asap and get whatever help you can. A social worker can help and support you. You have had a lot to deal with. You can and will get better, with the right support. Be proud that you have two children you adore, and are trying to have a better life. You deserve care and support too.

Someone is supposed to come out to do an annual boiler/gas check up, but i’m afraid because of the state of my house that they will report me. I don’t know what to do, I can’t get it all sorted before they get here and I’ve already rescheduled once…

That sounds really tough.

Rather than think in terms if not being able to get it all done before the check, what could you get done before? Could you focus on the areas that will be seen by the safety person?

I totally understand your fear, I have a relative in a similar position. It is important to have your safety check done, so please don't rearrange it again.

It sounds like a trip to the GP yo see if any medication could be offered to help with your depression.

You can ask them or your child's school to refer you to Early Help if you have that in Scotland, they are not social services, but workers who support you in order to not need social services.

Is there a family member who could help? If your brother helped again could you ask him to take the bags away? Or order a skip?

What do you think the barriers are to getting back on top of things? Are you someone who finds doing a little and often, or one big push on occasion works best for you?

You sound like a good mum who puts her children first, so don't beat yourself up.

Can you contact whoever diagnosed your ASD (whether NHS or Private) and ask if there's an Adult ASD Intervention Service? Or the National Autistic Charity might know. It will completely depend on your area, but sometimes there's actually quite a bit of help available if you know how to access it. I'm Autistic and had a Support Worker for 6 months when I really needed it, and was offered counselling and told what grants I could apply for

And if there is no support for Autistic adults in your area, you may still be able to access some help via the children's service as your son is Autistic, even if it is just a grant to pay for a cleaner/organiser to help you with the house

Also, have you applied for PIP? It sounds like you would definitely be entitled to it, but get help filling in the forms if need be

Autistic burnout is awful and you basically feel like you are drowning under what other people find to be simple things that need doing, but it will get better with time. Try not to be hard on yourself, but I know that's easier said than done

Edited to add: here is one Grant you may be eligible for, they are offered specifically to pay for help around the house
https://www.frederickandrewtrust.org/how-we-can-help