please help

[WorthyLurker]

i’ve never really done anything like this but i need help. i’m a 29 yr old single mum of 8 yr old twins, in september of 2022, i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and autism, among general social anxiety. after my diagnosis, i feel like everything fell apart. i lost my mum, last year in may, then my cat passed away a few months later and it hit my mental health Hard.

ive been struggling a lot with keeping up with household chores and it’s gotten out of hand. i’ve tried asking family for help but it always goes the same way, they say they will and then they never do, ive gotten quotes from cleaning company’s for hoarders and such and it’s like two grand just for a deposit and i simply can’t do that. im so terrified of losing these kids cause they are the only reason im still here today, but im at a point where im considering calling social services on myself. but im not sure whether they would just take them away instantly, or if they would actually try and help me.

my son is autistic too, and my daughter is so shy, im afraid that they’ll take them from me and they’ll both just be so afraid. i love them more than anything, i want so badly to do better for them but just looking at the mess gives me anxiety and i just don’t know where to start. i feel so ashamed, i don’t want them to remember this as their childhood.

Stop worrying about them taking your children and seek help through every avenue open to you. The threshold for removal is incredibly high and you won't meet it if your children are fed, clean and doing well, whatever the state of your house.

I'm autistic too and post diagnosis got a support worker through social services twice a week to help me clear the mess. They understood that I wasn't a hoarder, that autism affects the 'spark plug' that gets us going on tasks. So someone being there saying 'come on, lets clear this bit now' was all I needed.

I wouldn't worry about the boiler repair guy. He will have see it all. Just ensure there is clear access to the boiler.

Secondly, how about tackling your hoarding from another angle? Clear one room, then put everything you feel you need or want to keep in that room. Then be ruthless with the stuff in the other room. Get rid off stuff without overthinking.

Just a thought!

That sounds really tough, Op. Maybe someone can suggest a website which breaks sorting / clearing out down into little chunks for you?

A private cleaner coming in to help you would be cheaper than a cleaning company probably.

And I agree, the gas person won’t care - much better to be safe. You can always say, oh we’re moving soon 😊

I think your problem is far more than cleaning. Your mental health is suffering and the mess and hoarding are symptoms. Get help with that, and then you will be in a place to get your home back into a better state. Your GP is your starting point. Social Services will almost certainly help, not condenm. You aren't hurting your children, you are a caring mother who has become overwhelmed.

Try your GP first.

I use the Flylady app. The checklists appeal to my autistic nature.

this may or may not be helpful OP, but if you can you join Freecycle, where you can offer stuff and people come and collect it from you? If I don't feel up to small talk, I just tell them I'll be out and have left item outside. Decluttering that feels good as well, as people are grateful. You can chip away- get rid of the biggest things first. Good luck.

It is overwhelming OP. What do you struggle with most? Do you work and struggle for time, or to get started? Or to actually get rid of stuff?

Something that helps me when I'm struggling is this
1 - empty the bins, new bags. Spend a minute in each room putting any rubbish in a bag. Put it all out in the wheelie bin.

2 - scour the house for plates, cups etc. Take them all to the kitchen.

3 - this is a good one to involve the kids . Go in one room, and pick up anything that doesn't belong. Hand to a child "take this to X room". Do this with each room. Make a pile of laundry if needed and put a load on.

Start involving the DC with general tidying. Even 10 minutes a day of doing it together will make a difference. Set a timer.

Good luck!

I just wanna thank you all for your words. I read everything you all said and took it all in.

This morning I called Adult Social Services and spoke with a lovely woman there, through that, she is sending my GP a note to let them know that I’ll be in touch to make an appointment to try and see about getting more support for my BPD and Autism. She also got in contact with my housing association and from that, they reached out to me and I spoke to another lovely woman, both assured me sincerely that I was doing the right thing. I’m gonna work with my housing association to help with the house stuff, and they even offered additional support with other things too.

I was so scared to make the leap and actually ask people outside of family for help, but reading all your messages gave me the push and confidence that I could do it.
I took the power back from fear, and I got help.

Thank you all, again, from the bottom of my heart.

Well done @WorthyLurker , that's a brilliant step forwards!

That's great news, well done!

you could ring the NSPCC and ask for advise on where to get support - they might be able to help

@WorthyLurker well done and good luck