To think it’s not us being too overprotective as parents

[Peakyshelby]

long time lurker but my first post

Just let my son start walking home from primary school. He is in year six and there is a group of them that walk home the same way. About 20 minutes. He is allowed to stop at the park for half an hour that is on the way home. After speaking to the other parents that is what they let there kids do as well. Except a couple that can basically stay at the park until six. For us that is far too long and we want him home by half four.

Tonight my son rings me and tells me on that all the others have decided to walk to a different park that is 45 minutes away. I tell him and to walk home as usual and I will come and meet him halfway.

we get home and I have a chat with DS telling him it’s for his safety and he understands. So we leave it that in future if the others go to the other park they he is to ring me and I will start walking to meet him.

about an hour ago on the parents WhatsApp there is a message from one of the parents asking why I did not let DS go to the other park. I explain that I am not happy with him walking to a part 45 minute away in a place where he is not familiar. To cut a long story short it turns out none of the other parents even the ones who told me that they want their kids home after half an hour at the park on the way home basically care where their kids go after school as long as they are home at about 6ish. I was made to feel that I am an overprotective parent and sometimes they go to this other park, sometimes they go to down the woods nearby and hang out there and sometimes go to near the park On the way home.

Basically am I being overprotective. At this age I want to know where my son is and know when he will be home

45 mins is about 2 miles? That's a bit far.
I let mine out for 2hrs at a time though. Home for dinner. But we are in a village which acts as a natural boundary really!

I don't think you are being too over protective.
But I do think Y6 is a tricky age as there are lots of different approaches. And big differences in behaviour and maturity.

Eg. DD had a friend who wasn't allowed to be home alone for any length of time but was allowed to go out all afternoon visiting different people and just hanging out....personally I would be the other way round.

A lot depends on nuance of this situation- is this park 45 mins in opposite direction or will they end up just 20 mins from home still? Are they generally a good group of kids or are they liable to be up to mischief? What is the park like and the walk?

Personally it wouldn't bother me if they were out till 6pm as long as I knew where they were - a call to ask permission and also tracking his phone. And they were in a fair sized group. And it wasn't every night. I think it would be good to start with something more planned that you are more comfortable with, but is beyond where you are now.

Apparently this schools grounds has a football pitch whereas the park near us is very small

My son is 11, year 6. He's allowed to cycle about 1 mile to a park and play out til 6 then cycle back. Some would find this shocking and would never allow it. Where we live is very rural, I have complete confidence and faith that my son can do this.
But, other parents would never be ok with this and that's absolutely fine. All kids are very different at these ages and parents should just do what they are comfortable with.
I absolutely understand the 45 minute thing for sure. I'd possibly say work towards staying out slightly later if you're comfortable.
The other parents can get stuffed. I don't think you're massively unreasonable tbh

It’s 45 minute walk away on google maps so 45 minutes in the other direction. As I said now I know it is actually another schools groups rather then the park which is next door.

Meant another schools grounds sorry

I think the park they go to on the way home is fine for a couple of hours but not 45 minutes away. I let my dd go with friends to the park 15 mins walk away. We live in a rural community though. It's the only park here. Wouldn't let her go any further

Oh I wasn't sure if it was 45 min walk from school...but then only 20 min from home
Or 20 min from school/Park, and then 45 min from home.

I wouldn't have let mine do this alone, but in s group who go there often, I would. Not withstanding the fact its actually a school...are they allowed or is it trespassing?

You are perfectly reasonable but at this age the freedoms given to kids do vary a lot.

Presumably if he is year 6 he will be going up to secondary school in September.

What's the plan for him getting there?
You will find once he's been there a bit that unless he's on a school bus he probably will want to go and play football or whatever with his friends.

My kids were at middle school at this age and cycled home - it was about an hour walk. They often stopped off at the park and got an ice cream,

No, that’s too far and too late for me.

We have a park near school which he is always busy after school but by 4.30 it empties right out. I’d not feel very happy letting Y6 hang out there once it’s deserted.

Maybe at a push I’d agree to
a compromise…. 5.00 or 5.30 and I’d pick them up (round the corner if that helps their embarrassment level).

I know there is local variation... but 7 or 8pm is a normal time for 9+ yos to be out around here in summer. Or sundown in winter (which is unfortunately 4pm).

Yanbu to be upset that another parent has messaged you- wtf has it got to do with them? Presumably the other children can still go?

This is a tricky age OP where there will be a lot of divergence between what you feel is acceptable and pressure to conform. My advice is to trust your instincts, while some freedom is needed to build confidence before starting secondary it has to be on your terms. I would ask what is so exciting about this other place and what these kids get up to there do also why exactly are they on the grounds of another school?

I think if a group of parents were commenting on my parenting openly, I'd struggle not to comment on theirs back.
They may well think you are over protective but I'd rather that then negligent!

Why is another parent bothered? And messaging about it. I’ve have typed something passive aggressive back!

Nope, wouldn't be happy about about my DS doing this either. X

Nope. I wouldn't allow this. Just because others are allowed doesn't mean you should change your boundaries. They're 10-11 years old in year 6, so I think there's plenty of time for more freedom.

Walking hme from school and 30 mins in the park is more than enough. In fact I would want them straight home too most days, unless with a specific (trusted) friend for an arranged play in the park, occasionally.

Also the reaction if the other parents is wierd as fuck 🚩 run op and take your kid with you!!

Does the other school actually know that random kids from another school are turning up to use their football pitch ? How are they getting access?

If you live in a safe area, yes, I think you are being over protective. The reason we let them do this in Year 6 is because it is summer and warm and light late outside. Next term he will be at secondary on his own and it will be dark and much harder. So it is better to practise independence skills and communication with you now. I let mine go to clubs independently until year 7 and on trains and buses so I wanted them to become a little more savvy and street wise at this point (and we live in London so they need to have their wits about them).

And it Continues OP. I have a 17 year old DD (has always been quite compliant re boundaries and curfews) and then there is 13 year old DS. It's a constant questioning of AIBU v am I allowing bf too much v am I being overly protective?

Certainly at secondary it's hugely influenced by who they end up making friends with. My DS was v compliant until year 7 but their friendships constantly shift and now he has made good / close friendships with a group of 5 kids who all have older brothers / sisters who are into weed.

Their friends become such a huge influence on them as they become teens and there is a limit to how much you can do. Yes you can strict about what time they come home (I am) etc but you can't watch them 24/7. I have lost track of how often I have had serious conversations with him about weed / risk taking behaviour etc but it's impossible to know 100%.

I know not all patents go through this and hopefully you won't either. I know the parents of the risk taking kids are judged harshly... but you can be a very 'normal' parent (boundaries/ bedtimes etc) but your child can still push back and become wayward

My twins are only 6, so genuinely don't know which camp I'm in re: the level of freedom I think a 9 or 10 year should have.
I do think it's outrageous that another parent called you out on a fricking WatsApp group.

*sorry for the typos in my post. Was attempting to do 3 things at once

No this isn’t something y7 DC or friends would do.

i was struck by this comment earlier by the murdered teenager’s mother “Twelve-year-old kids should be at home doing school work and then going to bed. I have two children and at 7.30pm they had to go to bed because they have to follow the rules of the house.”

Dc age 12 goes to bed later than that but no way would be roaming streets or parks. Not that he’s any turn of carrying a machete! but it’s an attitude towards parenting. 12 year olds free roaming is not a good idea.

YANBU. You loosen the strings gradually, and the fact that the parent who contacted you saw fit to comment only suggests to me that she felt you might be judging her choices, not that there is anything wrong with yours.

Yanbu, clearly these kids wanted to go to that park to get up to no good. Why on earth so far away?
There's parents who don't care, such as these and there are parents who do like you.

If it makes you feel better, my ds is in a friendship group where some of the kids have older siblings. These kids are teens 13/14 and still get parents permission to go anywhere, let their parents know where they are going to be and have a curfew. No such thing roaming about in the streets till whatever time.

You are not overprotective, you're being a good parent.