It’s a MIL one - feeling resentful

[Veganscientist]

Let me start by saying I like my MIL but this situation is making me start to resent her.

DS(3) was at nursery 3 days a week whilst I work, my husband works FT. My MIL has recently retired and suggested we move him to a 9-3 nursery which is significantly cheaper due to the shorter hours and she would do the wrap around after nursery 3 days and before 2 (I can manage the other 1).

Despite this arrangement being her idea she seems to take it all very casually, randomly announcing she can no long collect X day like it’s no big deal which causes a stres on my husband and I working out who will get him. In addition to this she decided it would be easier to bring him back to our house which means I have to sort his dinner these 3 days for her to heat up and he’s here whilst I’m trying to work. instead of watching him she just leaves him to do whatever in the house whilst playing on her iPad or doing this like sort the dishwasher. Most of the time he ends up coming into my study and I have to try look after him and work. My husband sat her down and asked her to leave the dishwasher or whatever and concentrate on looking after him, it hasn’t made a difference.

we can’t change the situation now as I don’t want to move him again and cause disruption, we’ll need to cope until he starts school next year. But AIBU to think why on earth did you suggest this when you clearly don’t want to do it?!

im finding it harder to be around her because she’s making my life harder than it used to be.

Change it- he’s 3 the change will have next to no impact. Lesson learned about trusting family on childcare.

What's the plan for wrap around care for school? Can this be brought forward e.g. A childminder who will do pick up/drop off to the nursery?

I suggest that you both sit down with her and spell out exactly what’s happening from your perspective and that she volunteered to look after DC while you worked and that’s what you need her to do.

Is there any way you could go elsewhere to work when she’s in the house with him? An afternoon in a shred working space or similar?

If all else fails I’d consider moving him back to the old nursery if that’s an option. 15 months is a long time to wait.

Change back. School is 15 months away - that’s nearly 200 days of irritation and you’ll be driven mad by that point!

I agree - change back!

Change it.

There will be a small fall out, but nothing compared to the growing simmering resentment that will build up and up by the time your DS start school.

Likely to ruin your relationship for years to come.

YABU not changing him back to full time nursery. This isn't working.

Go back, he’ll still have his friends from the old nursery and he really won’t see a difference. It’s only like when my little one had to be off in summers with me for six weeks whilst nursery was shut (term time only). They adapt to things quick this small, but your relationships probably won’t last another year of this!

You're also not being unreasonable to be annoyed. I’d be fuming too.

Change it. Or you’ll hate her. Your child will be fine with going back.

Change it. As pp 15 months is a long time.
If she, wants to spend some time with him she coukd do an early pick up and take to her house once a week/fortnight, but you won't be relying on the childcare.

I agree with changing the nursery. My DD ended up attending three different settings. She was with a childminder until she was two (the childminder then went on maternity leave). Then she joined a small year-round nursery. In the months before starting school, she attended both the small nursery and a large term-time-only one which was more similar to the school environment. She really enjoyed the large nursery and ended up preferring it to the small one.

I’d hesitate to move a one-year-old as I think it’s a sensitive age for them, but a three-year-old might love the novelty of a new setting.

I thought I was going to get flamed for being ungrateful!

when he’s at school the school has on site wrap around so this is a short term (ish!) problem. It’s a good idea re local childminders providing the wrap around, I’ll have a look to see what’s available.

Im pleased it’s not just me that would find this frustrating!

Definitely stop the arrangement. I had the same with my mother, she asked to look after DD a couple of days a week. I cancelled her nursery place on those days. But it soon became clear she didn't understand this was a formal commitment upon which I was relying. She was always getting to mine late, making me late for work. Or saying (upon arrival) that she couldn't stay all day (forcing me to leave work early). One day she didn't show up at all. When I rang, she said she wasn't feeling well (just a cold, nothing that prevented her at least calling me sooner to let me know).

I put DD back in nursery 5 days and said it was best if the grandparent relationship was just a weekend thing.

Honestly, I wfh and my mum helps with my niece and son. Exactly the same behavior. Has to get me to tell her what's for dinner, turn on my oven, tell her how many chips etc
You fed kids for years, honestly it's been 3 years the oven hasn't changed.
My dad will play while she's on phone,.but sometimes he's tired.
Drives me mad. I'm home for my son, I might as well do it all. Worse is, when I'm clearly working she asks the kids passive aggressively to ask me stuff, or she doesn't want to talk to tells them to tell me what they've just told her.
I've got no choice but to suck it up. She's there's because my brother and sil not because of me and so it's so so hard.
Saying anything won't change it.
She is who she is and I said at the beginning I'm the one who'll end up doing it all, I'll just do it. Let's not rely on them but got overruled.
Drives me mad!
I do think there's an element of not understanding working from home is working too! Because your home.

It won't get better and you'll resent, try something else as it's not working. Wrap around care.

This would drive me crazy.

we can’t change the situation now as I don’t want to move him again and cause disruption,

This I'm not sure on....i dont think going bacl to ft at the se.place is that big a change and 15months is a long time!
I would go back to nursery and see if you can go back to full days Or see if you can find a CM.
Either way grandma would be getting relieved of her "duties"

This one is definitely on you I have to say. It sounded like a good idea at idea at the time. However it's clearly not working and your MIL is clearly not listening. Time to go to the previous arrangement ASAP before your relationship with MIL deteriorates further

Definitely stop, don’t up with even for a few weeks.

Sorry your going through this. That is annoyingz particularly as it's her suggestion. I agree with others. I'd tell her how you feel AND I'd move back to longer hours. She obviously doesn't want to or can't do it - does she find it too much, maybe? I'm.knackered looking after my own kids and I'm probably 30+ years younger!

We had a similar situation. I just changed the hours at nursery and MIL barely noticed... DD has a great time when she does see her now as it's not as frequent and much more "fun" for my in laws. Expensive for us, but means I'm not having to take a day off every week...

Either way, move him back and chalk it up as a lesson learnt.

You don't need a childminder to do wrap around care for a nursery when you can just change back to a full time nursery!

Using a new childminder is as disruptive if not more so than just switching back (assuming they still have space).

I wonder if it was her son wfh, she'd still be expecting him to stop work, entertain etc?

Don’t let her do this in school holidays either.

MIL made a big deal of offering to have DS in school holidays, DH said ok but we will need to bring him to you at 8am and pick up at 5.30pm. Turns out she meant she would do 10.30-2.30! We booked holiday clubs that do the hours we need (and it’s our responsibility to look after our child not hers) but she bleats to others about how we turned down her generous offer.

I was also thinking that there’s definitely a sexist element to this.

This situation would drive me crazy. I don’t think it’s uncommon for grandparents to like the <idea> of childcare but not really grasp that once it’s agreed upon it’s not actually optional to just cancel so you can go to the garden centre with friends for lunch instead. Better to keep arrangements ad hoc and emergency only.

Excellent suggestion.

Change back. Stop relying on family for free childcare. They aren't your staff.

Yup, back to the old nursery. No problem.

It is possible she expected you to pay her for these hours so she's a bit casual as now she thinks it's just free babysitting? Not an excuse but I am wondering?