Sadness over estranged relative

[Snisel]

I have a long lost relative who lives abroad. Let’s say a half brother. I do not know him personally but we’re about the same age, I have learned from his blog that he visits the uk on a regular basis. I do not get to meet him on any of these visits and I cannot help feeling upset about this, I think we could have nice days together. So I have asked my parents about arranging a meeting, but they advised me to forget it, because they are not in touch with him either and do not seem to think it’s realistic. Other relatives who could have introduced me have bluntly refused to co-operate. So it’s all a bit awkward. I’m thinking I should just go ahead and write to him myself. But then I’m not sure if that would work out because I’ve been discouraged from doing so. Also I don’t know what to say. But on the other hand, if I don’t write, I will continue to feel sad about the loss of what could be a valuable friendship. This leaves me wondering- Should I get in touch regardless of what anyone else thinks?

YABU- it’s probably too late to build a relationship. Your parents are just trying to protect you and they must have good reasons. Forget about it or you’ll get hurt.

YANBU- Go ahead and contact him. You only live once and the worst he can do is ignore you. You have nothing to lose and you may as well.

Any advice on exactly how to phrase a potential message is also much appreciated. Because I don’t really know what to say. TIA

What do you mean by 'let's say a half-brother'? Are they this, or a different relationship?

If you’re an adult, and it’s a half sibling, then why would you need your parents approval to contact them? Just go for it, worst he can do is say no.

I wouldn’t ask to meet him. I would write saying I enjoyed his blog, just introduce myself and see if I get a reply.

Whatever has broken the relationship between them and him is nothing to do with you, contact him.

Agree with this. I would reach out, but low key, friendly, make no demands of him

Hi OP. I think your opinion that you could "have nice days together" could be overly optimistic. Are your parents and other relatives indicating to you that is unlikely, given their reluctance to introduce you?

Approach your relative if you wish, but I think you should prepare yourself it could be either a positive or negative experience, so that you are prepared either way.

For some reason, you appear to be over romanticising this relationship.

Why are you so keen to develop a relationship with them?

Thanks for all replies so far

Yes I will try not romanticise. I just enjoy reading about his trips etc

Any more input on how to word a message also welcome

OP, it sounds like your parents are not so much protecting you but rather trying to swipe under the carpet a family secret...

If this is a half-sibling there could be a history of cheating/abandoning a first family by one parent who does not want this to resurface.

I would simply make contact directly yourself maybe through social media.Introduce yourself and mention that you would like to connect with the person and that you are not aware of the background story of why this person is 'long lost'.

Be prepared though that they might not want to connect but at least you would have tried.

@VestPantsandSocks
For some reason, you appear to be over romanticising this relationship.
Why are you so keen to develop a relationship with them?

Seriously? you have to ask why someone would like to get to know a half-sibling/a close family member?

@Startingagainandagain - yes I would like to know why OP is so keen to start this relationship when other relatives have tried to dissuade them.

Keep it short.
Not too much detail. Don’t over share.

Offer a meeting place, for coffee, somewhere you think he can easily get to when in the UK. Offer a date if you know from his blog when he’ll be here.

Be prepared to be rejected. He may not want to be in touch. Also, as above, don’t hope too much for a happy ending. He might bring issues to your life you can do without, but he also might bring a lot of good things too.

She's trying to preserve some anonymity, which is entirely reasonable.

We don't need to know the exact relationship.

She could have just kept the relationship description bland
But contacting a half brother is different to a cousin, so context helps

Keep it short and simple;
''Hi X, its me Y. I've been following your blog, and would love a chance to meet and catch up. Here's my email, drop me a line if you'd like to keep in touch.''

Thanks all

so the general consensus is to go for it but cautiously

Further insights also appreciated

Be prepared for them not to want contact, so don’t raise your hopes too much.

they obviously have a reason for not contacting you over the years

Does the relative know that you exist? If so, does he have your contact details?

I'd have thought there was some middle ground between contacting him despite everyone's hostility to the idea and forgetting about it altogether.

Depending on who this actually is to you, I would say you're entitled to more information about the estrangement, how/when/why it happened, whether it was to do with him or whether he's an innocent bystander etc.

There's a lot of estrangement in my family so I know how hard it is to press on in the face of stonewalling, but personally I would insist on more information before blundering on, in case the goal is to protect you and/or any dc of yours, for instance. I think if you make it clear you're going to go ahead in absence of a good reason not to, you might find people more forthcoming.

Personally, I think you're entitled to this information anyway.

I have 4 half siblings who I have no contact with - I think about them often, especially the elder 2 who I spent time with as a child and my eldest half sister in particular as I have very strong and fond memories of her. I would respond very positively to any contact from any of them - I often think about reaching out but there was a lot of bad blood between the adults (parents generation) and I am scared to as I don’t know if they’ll respond with anger because of that.

Actually, it can be a lot worse than that.

Op, why are your family members estranged from him? What's the backstory?

Positive story - but I am always aware that this could have gone any which way so we have been lucky. During lockdown we started our family tree. DH was curious about his grandfather, who had split from his gran when his mum was just a child and 'disappeared'. We came up short on the ancestry sites so literally just googled their names and found a thread on another site by someone also looking for info on him. Long story short - DH has a older half DB who we had no idea about!! (MIL died many years ago and she never shared this with us.)

We made contact, all good, so did a family zoom, had a lovely chat and now DH and DB keep in touch regularly. DB and SIL flew over to meet us a few years ago, just as lovely in person and in a few weeks we are flying over to surprise him at his 60th party! It's the one thing, despite everything that life has thrown at us over the past few years that still really makes me smile when I think about it 😍

Hmm.

They may be trying to protect you.

Anyone can write about themselves and make themself look like an amazing person. Especially on social media or a blog.

Family members of mine who are estranged it's due to physical abuse.

Be careful.

How old are you? What is your relationship? If half brother which parent do you share? What is the risk to your existing family relationships if you do make contact with him?

I’d say make contact with him & introduce yourself & take it from there but be prepared that he may not want any relationship with you.
Set your expectations low & see what happens.

Do you know why everyone has been so negative about the idea? Are they keeping some information from you? I'd want to know more before contacting them

Can you not ask your parents to explain there reasoning for not getting in touch is there something that happened that you should know about . Explain that you need to know all the detail as you are getting in touch. That way if there are skeletons in the cubboard they can warn you