Sadness over estranged relative

[Snisel]

I have a long lost relative who lives abroad. Let’s say a half brother. I do not know him personally but we’re about the same age, I have learned from his blog that he visits the uk on a regular basis. I do not get to meet him on any of these visits and I cannot help feeling upset about this, I think we could have nice days together. So I have asked my parents about arranging a meeting, but they advised me to forget it, because they are not in touch with him either and do not seem to think it’s realistic. Other relatives who could have introduced me have bluntly refused to co-operate. So it’s all a bit awkward. I’m thinking I should just go ahead and write to him myself. But then I’m not sure if that would work out because I’ve been discouraged from doing so. Also I don’t know what to say. But on the other hand, if I don’t write, I will continue to feel sad about the loss of what could be a valuable friendship. This leaves me wondering- Should I get in touch regardless of what anyone else thinks?

YABU- it’s probably too late to build a relationship. Your parents are just trying to protect you and they must have good reasons. Forget about it or you’ll get hurt.

YANBU- Go ahead and contact him. You only live once and the worst he can do is ignore you. You have nothing to lose and you may as well.

Any advice on exactly how to phrase a potential message is also much appreciated. Because I don’t really know what to say. TIA

The half-sibling is unlikely to be the abusive one. If OP has never known them, it's more likely to be her father's child with another woman who took the child and moved away.

yes there’s no abuse in my family story but a divorce / second family and very acrimonious behaviour with nastiness etc and I’m not sure how the younger family feel about me or what they’ve been told about me and my mum 😥

I’d write saying how much you enjoy reading his blog. Hopefully get up a conversation via email, before asking if he would like to meet.

There's nothing to stop you initiating contact, but don't expect too much. The world is full of people you will never meet or have a meaningful relationship with.

It's very likely that there are a lot of skeletons in the closet that you don't know about. The people blocking the contact are scared of you finding out something, I'd guess.

I'd definitely contact this person directly, but prepare yourself for what might come out.

I would try and find out what the issues were but if they don't involve you directly I would try a cautious approach. My dm fell out with her sister about 15 years ago and doesn't want any contact. I know she wouldn't be happy for me to have contact so for an easy life I haven't bothered. My aunt moves around a lot so not that easy anyway but we are similar ages and my mum's issues have nothing to do with me.

I’m the child of an estranged father with a half sibling. I just wish I’d never tried, to be honest. Nothing good has come of it. I’m a married 29 year old with 2 (and one cooking) children and there’s so many parts of my life and their life that we will never know or understand. It’s weird that we’re meant to just brush this aside and try anyway. I think there’s always going to be a strange tension. I want them all to have a great life and I just don’t think I’ll be a part of that and I’ve come to terms with it, it is for the best. If you do contact your relative, think what you want to gain from it rather than blindly entering the relationship.

As an adult you don't need parental permission or anyone else's permission to make contact. I assume the relative is fully aware of your connection?
I would send a message, just a lighthearted one, saying you would like to get to know this person. Give them option of connecting with you. They might not wish to but at least you can say you tried

It’s never too late! Just reach out x

What did you do op?

If he's the same age as OP, and OP has never met him, I doubt it was physical abuse unless he was a murderous hulk-sized child, roarrrr

More likely some kind of love child and the adults are ashamed at their own bad behaviour!

I have a brother I love very much who lives abroad. We do have a relationship that we are rebuilding due to childhood trauma (long and irrelevant story but for context and our relationship is now good). We have a large extended uk family that I am quite close to (and who are not related to the childhood trauma in any way). My brother also visits the UK regularly for work. Sometimes I see him and sometimes I don’t depending on both of our plans.

When I speak to my brother I will say things like we saw x relative the other week and they are doing so and so. Or y relative has just got engaged etc.

He has openly said to me that he has no interest in these people. Doesn’t understand why I bother with them etc and they are just strangers. He has a good support network and circle of friends and with the exception of me and my children, our parents and two aunts - he has no interest in knowing anybody else.

I share this story because if other people are reluctant to facilitate an introduction then it might be that this relative of yours has expressed similar feelings or thoughts.

By all means reach out to this relative. It will just eat away at you not knowing if you could have had a relationship or not. However be prepared for rejection and / or a loose and hard work relationship (which my brother and I did have for a while).

In terms of your wording of any opening communications. My thought would be keep it simple.