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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

is co-worker out of line or am i in the wrong to feel like this?

35 replies

sallyandherlimpets · 09/06/2024 21:47

ok this is a bit long winded but it’s been going on a while!!
I work in an educational setting where we get term time holidays, unless we ask for special leave (life events/celebrations) that has to be approved by SLT.
A while ago i asked for special leave for 2 days prior to our half term holiday to have a last family holiday with my mother. i work pt and had offered to swap the days with my job share so SLT approved it. unfortunately in the time of booking and going my job share was asked to work a different role as we were short staffed. SLT said it was still fine but i had to take it unpaid (fine by me) however a co-worker (not my department) found out and took issue with this. (quick backstory- always been friendly with this girl, have some mutual friends, she’s always everyone’s friend but i have and so have others witnessed another mean/ cranky side to her at times) she got married and had special leave but wanted special leave again for her honeymoon and was denied it)
coworker has since made my working life awful.she had been asking my colleagues if i was having time off and why. and generally bitching about it all behind my back until she aggressively tried to interrogate me in the busy staff room (mortified) about why i was taking leave and when i politely refused to tell her she took it upon herself to make a complaint to slt which caused them to have to give me a disciplinary (although they basically backed down immediately in meeting saying they told me i could go but because of complaint they had to have meeting and i don’t have anything on my file against me etc). Since then said coworker has constantly been making shitty comments, gossiping and generally being not pleasant. However i have gone out of my way to be nice (always professional) as i don’t really want that kind of negativity at work.
Last week it all kicked off again as she publicly humiliated me in front of my colleagues basically accusing me of verbally assaulting her at work! This absolutely did not happen and when i stood my ground her story kept changing, until she stomped off shouting she wasn’t discussing it with me! (she also didn’t bring this up with slt-which seems odd due to the allegation) Anyway i was utterly mortified and went straight to SLT who have asked me if i feel i am being bullied? I had to leave for an appointment so i didn’t get much time to discuss it with them, but i said no i didn’t think so.

Since that day i have felt so anxious and worried and i have so far managed to avoid this coworker like the plague. i’m also starting to feel pretty angry she has behaved that way which is so unprofessional, humiliating and just to go from being all smiles to basically vile in seconds!
I haven’t had a follow up with slt due to the dreaded big O being in.

My question is AIBU to feel angry, worried etc or am i just overly sensitive? should i have done something to acknowledge her initial upset or is she actually out of line? i just don’t really know how to handle the whole thing now!
thanks in advance sorry it was long!

OP posts:
Bananawotsit · 09/06/2024 21:58

she sounds like a nightmare. I would keep a record of the things she has been saying/doing. Definitely bring it up with slt team again. If leave has been agreed by management, the problem is with them not you.
she sounds very unprofessional.

ThinWomansBrain · 09/06/2024 22:02

Sorry, but it sounds as if she is bullying you - as PP states, keep a log of low level incidents, report to SLT or HR if it keeps on.

Hiddenvoice · 09/06/2024 22:06

I would also keep a diary of what is happening and I would speak to slt again. Explain you do feel bullied. I would also speak to hr

ThisNoisyTealLurker · 09/06/2024 22:06

I would make a complaint against her for bullying. She can’t be allowed to get away with this behaviour x

Lavender14 · 09/06/2024 22:07

You need to log all of this op. Keep a record of everything that happens as factually as you would a safeguarding log and note time place and any witnesses.

Ultimately yes it does sound like bullying and she's making you uncomfortable and has put you on the spot multiple times. Your leave is not her business. If she's unhappy with the leave she's been allocated then she needs to take that up with management directly and leave you out of it.

BabyofMine · 09/06/2024 22:14

This really does sound like bullying, and the fact they asked you if you feel like you are being bullied by her makes me wonder if she is also doing this to someone else and they are wondering if there is more going on/wanting further “evidence”.

Ginkypig · 09/06/2024 22:31

Of course you should have said yes.

people like that get away with it because they never face any consequences

Noseybookworm · 10/06/2024 00:55

First of all, it's absolutely none of her business why you've been granted special leave and I would tell her so, in front of everyone so there's no misunderstanding about what's been said. Stick to being firm but polite. Secondly, I would definitely make a complaint about her behaviour. It is bullying. Get the support of your union representative.

kanet · 10/06/2024 02:32

You are being bullied. Go back to SLT and tell them you hadn’t realised, but yes, the behaviour does amount to bullying.

Abi86 · 10/06/2024 04:24

But you are being bullied and harassed. Why would you say no? I assume you want it to stop?

Being nice won’t make this go away. This is the consequence of her behaviour. Your relationship with her has already soured on that basis - her behaviour. Provide your employer a written statement of her harassment of you (with examples, dates, times etc). As to her - she reaps what she sows.

Sablecat · 10/06/2024 05:24

Of course this is bullying. They do it to people they think will not report them or if they think they will get away with it.. Somebody once thought they'd got away with bullying me but their contract wasn't renewed because I refused to work with them. Your colleague is completely out of line. You should encourage management to deal with her behaviour. Don't bother being over nice to her in future. She sounds a bit unbalanced to me. It was a couple of days of leave!

CaptainHaddocksPychotherapist · 10/06/2024 06:25

You need to take out a grievance against her
Speak to HR to start process

nobeans · 10/06/2024 06:40

I have no idea why you said you weren't being bullied. You are. You need to go back to the SLT and tell them this.

GrumpyPanda · 10/06/2024 06:52

Absolutely make a formal complaint against her.

ASighMadeOfStone · 10/06/2024 06:54

You're not feeling over-sensitive, no. And it sounds a very toxic situation.

But: people clearly told you she'd been talking about you behind your back. And you know what the workplace adage about that is. How come she felt comfortable enough with them to bitch about you?

Your backstory about her mentions you and others noticing her crankiness. So you've all talked about her among yourselves in the past.

On the talking behind backs thing, you're probably quits.

She "aggressively interrogated" you and you "politely answered" yet she made a complaint about you resulting in a disciplinary meeting. The SLT clearly felt there was no disciplinary to answer (probably because they have better things to do than deal with tea urn spats) but were you given anything in writing as to the nature of the accusation? Because you should have been. Minutes should have been taken and you should have been given a copy. Because it's all very well "you can go we just have to do this" (unprofessional and unacceptable for both you and your colleague) but she possibly has some kind of assurance from them that you have been given a disciplinary (justified or not) and you have nothing to say you were exonerated, because it sounds like it wasn't a proper meeting. Were you asked if you wanted union representation?

It sounds very much as though it was an informal meeting for form's sake, which, whether the accusations are unfounded or not, is unacceptable, for you as well as her. You have nothing in writing to say that a colleague made a serious accusation which was unfounded.

The SLT sound pretty useless at this point. It could all have gone like this:

She makes a complaint against you. They assure her they will act. You are given a disciplinary. They tell you it's fine, you aren't in trouble. They tell her you've been disciplined. She feels vindicated and "knows" that you were in the wrong. Or, they tell her that you were vindicated and she's in the wrong. Either way, neither of you has been treated correctly.

The later row- presumably connected to the initial one where you refused to tell her why you'd been given special (unpaid) leave (?) how do you know what she has or hasn't told SLT? Surely if the "verbal assault" is part of the first row with her, then that's exactly what she told them about? Or is she saying you verbally assaulted her at some other moment?

You immediately went to SLT. What did you say? What are they going to do?

Dreaded O? Ofsted? Hopefully they'll see what a useless and unprofessional SLT you have.

Is it bullying? No. I personally don't think it is. It's colleagues who don't get on, who clearly talk about each other to other colleagues and to SLT when they have disagreements.

On the basis of your version of events, no, you've done nothing wrong- but although you had no obligation to do so- if you'd told her your leave was going to be unpaid instead of refusing to tell her, maybe it wouldn't have gone this far.

Her version of the row was obviously very different to yours, or you'd never have had the non-, disciplinary disciplinary. They'd have told both of you to stop acting like the children(?) you're working with and get on with your jobs. Likewise, presumably they ascertained from her that the row was over your 2 days leave, and presumably told her that you were perfectly within your rights to take it, and other people's leave was nothing to do with her. (In the same way her past leave grievance was nothing to do with all the people who clearly talk about it)

I do agree you need to go back to SLT and insist on a formal meeting, with representation if necessary, minutes taken, and something in writing given at the end. Because if your colleague is hellbent on pursuing this, that's going to be her next move, seeing as she's still insisting on the verbal assault.

Good luck.

BusyMum47 · 10/06/2024 06:59

Noseybookworm · 10/06/2024 00:55

First of all, it's absolutely none of her business why you've been granted special leave and I would tell her so, in front of everyone so there's no misunderstanding about what's been said. Stick to being firm but polite. Secondly, I would definitely make a complaint about her behaviour. It is bullying. Get the support of your union representative.

This!! ⬆️

What on earth has it got to do with her if you have time off? It didn't affect/impact her so it's none of her business. If she's upset that you were granted leave when she wasn't, then her 'beef' is with SLT - not you!

She's being incredibly unprofessional & yes, she is bullying you!

Also, I don't understand why SLT held a disciplinary with you when they approved your time off?! WTF?? The fact that a co-worker was pissed off that you'd been given leave is NOT reason for a disciplinary. I work in a Primary School (& used to work in HR!) with similar rules to yours & have never heard of such nonsense!!

LookItsMeAgain · 10/06/2024 07:21

You are being bullied.

It's repeated. It's very public. It's upsetting you. She is a bully (simply because she was declined for taking additional leave for her honeymoon it appears and she is taking that out on you).

I would take some time and reflect on just how many times she has behaved like she did in that recent incident with you, document it. If you can remember actual dates, even better. Write it all down. You'll probably surprise yourself with this.

Then arrange a meeting with the SLT and say that on reflection, you do feel that you have been bullied and you are still being bullied by this individual. You never know, someone else may have already reported her but they may need more than one complainant to make anything happen and you could be that catalyst.

Enjoy your break with your mum!

Pikapikapikachu11 · 10/06/2024 07:26

Sorry to hear this op. I've been through similar and it is awful, keep a diary. Also if you feel brave, ask her to back off. Easier said than done if you are like me and hate confrontation. People like this latch on to people like us for some reason.

Diary and keep head down with regards.to her, don't gossip... come here for support. We got you.

sallyandherlimpets · 10/06/2024 07:35

Abi86 · 10/06/2024 04:24

But you are being bullied and harassed. Why would you say no? I assume you want it to stop?

Being nice won’t make this go away. This is the consequence of her behaviour. Your relationship with her has already soured on that basis - her behaviour. Provide your employer a written statement of her harassment of you (with examples, dates, times etc). As to her - she reaps what she sows.

i am not entirely sure why i said no! i guess because i luckily have never ever had something like this happen and although i don’t like it im unsure if it’s bullying! i also hate drama and while i will say things if i see wrong or i disagree i don’t go in on the whole drama of things!!!
i also realised staying pleasant has done me no favours in the months between incidents!

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/06/2024 07:41

Re: your leave. I’d just say, “it has been agreed with SLT and I don’t want or need to discuss it with you. If you have issues with my leave then I suggest you take it up with SLT.” Any other issues/shouting etc. please do not shout at me. I don’t wish to discuss (whatever it is) with you. Shouting at me will not change that. Please feel free to discuss your issues with SLT as I will’

and yes-tell SLT you are being bullied. As they asked the direct question then I think it’s clear they think you are being bullied and want to support you.

sallyandherlimpets · 10/06/2024 07:43

ASighMadeOfStone · 10/06/2024 06:54

You're not feeling over-sensitive, no. And it sounds a very toxic situation.

But: people clearly told you she'd been talking about you behind your back. And you know what the workplace adage about that is. How come she felt comfortable enough with them to bitch about you?

Your backstory about her mentions you and others noticing her crankiness. So you've all talked about her among yourselves in the past.

On the talking behind backs thing, you're probably quits.

She "aggressively interrogated" you and you "politely answered" yet she made a complaint about you resulting in a disciplinary meeting. The SLT clearly felt there was no disciplinary to answer (probably because they have better things to do than deal with tea urn spats) but were you given anything in writing as to the nature of the accusation? Because you should have been. Minutes should have been taken and you should have been given a copy. Because it's all very well "you can go we just have to do this" (unprofessional and unacceptable for both you and your colleague) but she possibly has some kind of assurance from them that you have been given a disciplinary (justified or not) and you have nothing to say you were exonerated, because it sounds like it wasn't a proper meeting. Were you asked if you wanted union representation?

It sounds very much as though it was an informal meeting for form's sake, which, whether the accusations are unfounded or not, is unacceptable, for you as well as her. You have nothing in writing to say that a colleague made a serious accusation which was unfounded.

The SLT sound pretty useless at this point. It could all have gone like this:

She makes a complaint against you. They assure her they will act. You are given a disciplinary. They tell you it's fine, you aren't in trouble. They tell her you've been disciplined. She feels vindicated and "knows" that you were in the wrong. Or, they tell her that you were vindicated and she's in the wrong. Either way, neither of you has been treated correctly.

The later row- presumably connected to the initial one where you refused to tell her why you'd been given special (unpaid) leave (?) how do you know what she has or hasn't told SLT? Surely if the "verbal assault" is part of the first row with her, then that's exactly what she told them about? Or is she saying you verbally assaulted her at some other moment?

You immediately went to SLT. What did you say? What are they going to do?

Dreaded O? Ofsted? Hopefully they'll see what a useless and unprofessional SLT you have.

Is it bullying? No. I personally don't think it is. It's colleagues who don't get on, who clearly talk about each other to other colleagues and to SLT when they have disagreements.

On the basis of your version of events, no, you've done nothing wrong- but although you had no obligation to do so- if you'd told her your leave was going to be unpaid instead of refusing to tell her, maybe it wouldn't have gone this far.

Her version of the row was obviously very different to yours, or you'd never have had the non-, disciplinary disciplinary. They'd have told both of you to stop acting like the children(?) you're working with and get on with your jobs. Likewise, presumably they ascertained from her that the row was over your 2 days leave, and presumably told her that you were perfectly within your rights to take it, and other people's leave was nothing to do with her. (In the same way her past leave grievance was nothing to do with all the people who clearly talk about it)

I do agree you need to go back to SLT and insist on a formal meeting, with representation if necessary, minutes taken, and something in writing given at the end. Because if your colleague is hellbent on pursuing this, that's going to be her next move, seeing as she's still insisting on the verbal assault.

Good luck.

Edited

sorry verbal assault thing is several months after first confrontation! first confrontation i had told her it was unpaid but i didn’t want to tell her ‘why’ i took it as it’s a private matter. i also told her as politely as possible it was none of her business and to take it up with slt which she did - hence the weird non disciplinary disciplinary meeting!
i wouldn’t have said a word to slt normally but the fact she stormed into a public work space and made a serious accusation and i felt completely humiliated made me tell slt. the accusation was completely unrelated to her first issue and completely randomly made up!!! probably why i was so completely shocked!!

OP posts:
Londonrach1 · 10/06/2024 07:45

Log everything and report to slt. She's bullying you

Sunnyandsilly · 10/06/2024 07:49

Sorry can you clarify, what did she complain about and they then raised a disciplinary for?

Heronwatcher · 10/06/2024 07:56

No you’re not being unreasonable she sounds dreadful.

I think I might be tempted to have a private word with her and say that it’s obvious that something has gone wrong in your professional relationship, that there were very sad personal reasons for the leave but that it was all approved etc and that you think it’s best that contact/ interaction is kept to the absolute minimum to avoid things getting out of hand. You could even mention that “people” have been asking you whether you’re ok and mention the word “bullying” in a very generic context. Then if this “shot across the bows” doesn’t work I would be taking things further, and in the meantime I’d note every interaction in writing.

ASighMadeOfStone · 10/06/2024 08:14

sallyandherlimpets · 10/06/2024 07:43

sorry verbal assault thing is several months after first confrontation! first confrontation i had told her it was unpaid but i didn’t want to tell her ‘why’ i took it as it’s a private matter. i also told her as politely as possible it was none of her business and to take it up with slt which she did - hence the weird non disciplinary disciplinary meeting!
i wouldn’t have said a word to slt normally but the fact she stormed into a public work space and made a serious accusation and i felt completely humiliated made me tell slt. the accusation was completely unrelated to her first issue and completely randomly made up!!! probably why i was so completely shocked!!

Ok, so the first conversation with her was purely about you having been given leave.
Who called it a disciplinary? SLT? Because really, on the face of it, it was a colleague objecting to what she saw as unfair treatment (unjustly) followed by a clarification with you, by SLT. Tbh, it seems weird that that meeting ever took place or was ever mooted as a disciplinary.

The second instance is more complicated and you really need a proper meeting (documented) about what you want to happen, and what they are going to do. You should definitely insist on a proper meeting and have an impartial rep with you. You've been accused of something serious, and if that's upheld, it will go on your record. Likewise, if it's found to be malicious only on her part, it goes on hers.

But do get everything documented.