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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

is co-worker out of line or am i in the wrong to feel like this?

35 replies

sallyandherlimpets · 09/06/2024 21:47

ok this is a bit long winded but it’s been going on a while!!
I work in an educational setting where we get term time holidays, unless we ask for special leave (life events/celebrations) that has to be approved by SLT.
A while ago i asked for special leave for 2 days prior to our half term holiday to have a last family holiday with my mother. i work pt and had offered to swap the days with my job share so SLT approved it. unfortunately in the time of booking and going my job share was asked to work a different role as we were short staffed. SLT said it was still fine but i had to take it unpaid (fine by me) however a co-worker (not my department) found out and took issue with this. (quick backstory- always been friendly with this girl, have some mutual friends, she’s always everyone’s friend but i have and so have others witnessed another mean/ cranky side to her at times) she got married and had special leave but wanted special leave again for her honeymoon and was denied it)
coworker has since made my working life awful.she had been asking my colleagues if i was having time off and why. and generally bitching about it all behind my back until she aggressively tried to interrogate me in the busy staff room (mortified) about why i was taking leave and when i politely refused to tell her she took it upon herself to make a complaint to slt which caused them to have to give me a disciplinary (although they basically backed down immediately in meeting saying they told me i could go but because of complaint they had to have meeting and i don’t have anything on my file against me etc). Since then said coworker has constantly been making shitty comments, gossiping and generally being not pleasant. However i have gone out of my way to be nice (always professional) as i don’t really want that kind of negativity at work.
Last week it all kicked off again as she publicly humiliated me in front of my colleagues basically accusing me of verbally assaulting her at work! This absolutely did not happen and when i stood my ground her story kept changing, until she stomped off shouting she wasn’t discussing it with me! (she also didn’t bring this up with slt-which seems odd due to the allegation) Anyway i was utterly mortified and went straight to SLT who have asked me if i feel i am being bullied? I had to leave for an appointment so i didn’t get much time to discuss it with them, but i said no i didn’t think so.

Since that day i have felt so anxious and worried and i have so far managed to avoid this coworker like the plague. i’m also starting to feel pretty angry she has behaved that way which is so unprofessional, humiliating and just to go from being all smiles to basically vile in seconds!
I haven’t had a follow up with slt due to the dreaded big O being in.

My question is AIBU to feel angry, worried etc or am i just overly sensitive? should i have done something to acknowledge her initial upset or is she actually out of line? i just don’t really know how to handle the whole thing now!
thanks in advance sorry it was long!

OP posts:
GoingOnHol · 10/06/2024 08:15

@Heronwatcher not sure I'd risk speaking to her 1:1 in case she complains OP is threatening/bullying HER
I'd ignore her as.much as possible, be polite where necessary and keep a log of everything
@ASighMadeOfStone I've had colleagues I don't get on with, Ive so far managed to not shout at anyone. this woman is way out of line. You say OP shouldn't have had to tell her anything but.... there is no But, it is none of this woman's business why OP wAs off, if it was paid or not so it literally has nothing to do with her! If she had a problem she should have spoken to SLT not OP

ASighMadeOfStone · 10/06/2024 08:23

@sallyandherlimpets don't, under any circumstances, try and talk to this woman and bring it back up again.
Stay professional. Stay away. Document any untoward interaction.

MrsToothyBitch · 10/06/2024 08:27

I think you need to go back to SLT and say that whilst you hadn't initially considered yourself as being bullied, you realise that actually, yes you do feel bullied. You feel that she has intruded upon your privacy and that of your family, she has hectored and harassed you and she has caused you great distress. Yes, on reflection you'd like to alert them to this and complain.

Give them a log of as many things she's said and done as possible, with as much detail as possible including a time line. Your cowbag colleague sounds vile.

DexaVooveQhodu · 10/06/2024 08:42

It sounds like her line manager needs a stern word with her about professional attitudes. Including reminding her that she is not entitled to know the personal circumstances of her co-workers.

It isn't your role to manage her behaviour but someone needs to.

Meanwhile you need to make sure you stay totally professional at all times yourself and do not engage in anything emotive.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 10/06/2024 10:15

As a PP has said, this is bullying and needs to be raised. I am sorry this is happening to you, it sounds miserable.

Nettie1964 · 12/06/2024 15:22

She's bulling you. If someone makes you feel anxious and changes the way you behave . Ie not using certain areas to avoid the person. You are being bullied. Go back and explain the whole thing again and tell them yes she is bullying me.

MzHz · 12/06/2024 16:09

@sallyandherlimpets put in a complaint about this woman, she is on some kind of mission, a witch hunt of sorts.

Schools attract all the wrong kinds of people as well as some who are in it for the right reasons - stand up for yourself and take her on.

Howbizarre22 · 12/06/2024 16:15

She is brazenly bullying you -it’s not even subtle. What a nasty childish person! Sounds like you have witnesses too. The most professional response is to record a log of EVERY incident comment etc however small, date, place etc and report her bullying and harassment. She needs to be managed and face consequences. She will do this to others along her career too if not addressed. Your leave is none of her business in the first place and as for the subsequent verbal abuse etc…disgraceful. Deal with it properly OP.

Poddledoddle · 12/06/2024 17:57

Why did you take it higher to then say you didn't think you were being bullied? If you saw this happening to someone else, would you say they weren't being bullied?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2024 18:11

I think I might be tempted to have a private word with her

Absolutely NOT. This is a horrible piece of advice and nearly guaranteed to backfire.

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