To ask do I tell my dd?

[andallyourevergonnabeismean]

So I have two adult dds (both mid twenties)

Growing up the younger (later diagnosed with adhd) was full on. Always demanding attention , very noisy. In comparison dd1 was a dream child, wonderful with her younger sister, easy going, lovely.

As she's got older dd2 has worked hard to manage her adhd and has grown up to be a lovely thoughtful person. She has massively calmed and is a patient person.

Dd1 now carries a lot of resentment from being the easy one in childhood. She has become difficult, often demands things are done her way. Gets angry easily and will snap if you say something that offends her. She is very easily offended.

I find I'm often having to bite my tongue around dd1 and just go along with her because I don't want the fall out. She can often be rude about my parenting, my personality (I have asd so a bit quirky)

But she will often tell me I'm lucky she's the easy one . (She really isn't)

Do I tell her I don't find her easy? Or keep biting my tongue?

I think you should sit down with her and explain to her how it hurts your feelings when she says stuff like that to you . Just make sure you are calm and clear. Explain to her she was a wonderful child but now she needs to sort her attitude out .

I wonder is she is resentful of recieving less attention and support and feels/felt she needed more from you when she was younger.

I think you are missing the point. I think you need to address her concerns.

Sit her down and tell her that you have recognized that she is really upset and has been very angry and resentful about the fact you prioritized the needs of her younger sibling. Tell her all the things you are going to do to make her feel special and important in the future so she can stop feeling resentful.

It's not too late but she doesn't need to hear that she is more difficult now.

She’s allowed to have hurt feelings, she may feel like she was a glass child. Her own difficulties may have been put aside for her ‘louder’ sister’s sake - she may be ND herself and it went unnoticed as there’s evidently a familial link.

I had a "difficult" twin and an "easy" twin now both adults. I am so sorry for how the "easy" one was unseen and unattended to in comparison to her twin, when they were children. He needed more parental input and time, and she gave us the space to do that for him by being "easy". But while it may have been necessary and easier at the time, it absolutely came at a cost to the easier child. I have seen this, as I reflected on my parenting now they are adult, and i apologised to her. I urge you to do the same. One child gets less attention than their sibling because they don't demand it. But they wanted and needed it, and didn't get it. So it affects them in adult life, of course it does.
She's having her turn, if you like, at pushing those barrier and testing your love for her, which she didn't do growing up.

I think you should maybe consider family therapy and it might be helpful to acknowledge that she got the raw deal as kids.

It's really toxic to have your dc talking so openly about who's the "easy one", where did that come from?

I definitely don't think you should attempt to make her feel bad for having difficulties related to her upbringing. It would be giving a message that your relationship is dependent on her continuing to be the good/perfect child. She's entitled to her feelings!

I think she is. It wasn't intentional at the time I never realised she wasn't happy. In fact I think she was happy as a child it's more when she looks back now.

Thanks

I have apologised in the past for not realising she needed more as a child.

Calling herself the easy one; I think she genuinely sees herself as easy going. Someone who fits in. She still sees her sister as the demanding one .

So are you telling her she's wrong in saying she was unhappy as a child?
Did you ever ask her as a child or like pp was she a glass child who just had to get on with it?
Now dd2 is doing well, if she came to you with an issue would you shut her down too or listen and give all your attention again?

But tl answer 'do I tell her?' Will you tell dd2 how difficult and demanding she was as a child?

@DoreenonTill8

Good points

To me it feels she's resentful when she reflects on her childhood rather than actually unhappy at the time. But if that's the case it may be due to realising now it was unfair but not realising at the time. (Because she was a child and it was all she knew)

I wouldn't shut either of them down now if they had an issue. I don't shut dd1 down when she talks about the past.

I just struggle with her anger and rudeness. It's like we all have to think about what we say around her to not set her off.

I wonder if her “I’m the easy one” is a dig at how she feels about being labeled as that as a child.

i think you need to have a proper conversation with her and start to repair the damage done rather than making the damage worse!

I have a similar dynamic with my teen dds. I remind the ‘easier’ one how proud I am that she doesn’t need as much help. That she has her independance. Her sibling was suicidal and we just needed to be there more to keep her safe.

somewhat past the worst of it now (both still teens) and I give the ‘easy’ teens more of my time. I remind them that I am like nanny McPhee and there when they need me but I will back off when I can see they can do things on their own.

I am sure as they get older there will still be resentment. It can be an impossible situation.

It's like we all have to think about what we say around her to not set her off.
Who is the 'we' do you mean her and and dd2 and you talk about her and how difficult you find her? If so she will know and that will definitely breed more division and resentment.
From how you talk about them and their behavior it does come across you have a clear favourite with dd2s behaviours brushed away, but dd1s examined and criticised by the rest of the family.

I was the ‘easy one’ right up til my late 30s, when there was a time I really needed my mum to prioritise me over my sibling. She didn’t. Despite me sobbing to her, and not for the first time about it, she couldn’t let me do what I wanted (basically put me first for once) and that “Might upset dd1”. The fact that I was upset being neither here nor there, as I was supposed to just get over it.

I’ve barely spoken to her since, and feel so much better for it.

Be careful.

Shes most likely "angry and rude" because her needs werent met as a child. By your own admission you didnt meet them.
Where was their dad btw?

It would be interesting to know if the situations where she is like thisninvolve family plans ie her sister.

Im no psychologist but it might be worth doing more 1:1 time and more things alone with her. Ie give her some of the focus she missed out on

Edit: agree with others that through your writing style your other dd comes across as clear favourite

Dad practically not in the picture. Another unfortunate thing was that dd1 worshipped her dad growing up despite him letting her down. We split when they were quite young (2 and 4) but for a while he had them eow. He wasn't a great dad - loses temper, aggression, unreliable.

She realised in her teens her dad wasn't quite what she thought and I have supported her with that.

By we I meant the family so me, dd2 and her stepdad.
She gets angry the most with her boyfriend (I don't know how he feels about it)
She can be scathing of others but not to their face.

The 1:1 time is a really good idea. We tend to do stuff as a three, we have always been a little team as we were just us for a long time.

She was unhappy at the time. It's just that she didn't know any better or didn't think she deserved any attention.

I was the easy child, just because I didn't say anything at the time doesn't mean I didn't feel left out / second best.

I even said it was OK when my mum forgot to buy me any Xmas presents. And the time she forgot my birthday.

by we I meant the family so me, dd2 and her stepdad.
So do you, dd2 and their step dad talk together about how difficult you find her?
Any chance dd2 is feeding this back to her?

Definitely not as a group. I talk to dh about it and he agrees.

I don't talk to dd2 about it (for the reason you gave and to not put my stuff on her) but sometimes dd2 says stuff to me. I remain neutral but inwardly agree

I also do the same when dd1 talks to me about dd2

She is being unreasonable, if she seemed happy and content and you needed to focus more on your other child then I can’t see what the problem was. It’s quite normal for teenagers to go through difficult phases, I’d be patient with her, see it as a phase, reassure her you love her and there when she needs you, perhaps ask if she’d like more one to one time/attention from you now but certainly wouldn’t let her guilt trip you into believing you were an awful mother when you were clearly doing your best. Not fair on you and reinforcing her current grey eyed spectacles on her life wouldn’t be helpful to her either

@sashh

Thank you

This is kind of how I feel but just to let you know she's 25.

My older kids are grown up too, even at 25 they are still developing/making sense of life (aren’t we all) and can go through funny phases, there’s alot online that encourages people to jump on a victim bandwagon. Current thing at the moment is the whole big sister responsibility thing, I’d just treat it the same as teenage issues. Love and reassurance to them that you do love them but don’t stress about it too much x