To ask do I tell my dd?

[andallyourevergonnabeismean]

So I have two adult dds (both mid twenties)

Growing up the younger (later diagnosed with adhd) was full on. Always demanding attention , very noisy. In comparison dd1 was a dream child, wonderful with her younger sister, easy going, lovely.

As she's got older dd2 has worked hard to manage her adhd and has grown up to be a lovely thoughtful person. She has massively calmed and is a patient person.

Dd1 now carries a lot of resentment from being the easy one in childhood. She has become difficult, often demands things are done her way. Gets angry easily and will snap if you say something that offends her. She is very easily offended.

I find I'm often having to bite my tongue around dd1 and just go along with her because I don't want the fall out. She can often be rude about my parenting, my personality (I have asd so a bit quirky)

But she will often tell me I'm lucky she's the easy one . (She really isn't)

Do I tell her I don't find her easy? Or keep biting my tongue?

if she seemed happy and content and you needed to focus more on your other child then I can’t see what the problem was.
Sorry that's absolutely awful, she may only have seemed happy and content but how would you know, if as you say you were much more focused on dd2? Did you ever spend time focused on dd1. Because it seems now she's talking about it that wasn't the case, and all that's happening is she's being invalidated and told she's a problem, while you're extolling how great dd2 is. Did you tell dd2 how much trouble and difficulty she caused as a child?

You can only go by what is apparent as a parent, it’s inevitable that a certain times you are having to be focussed more on one child or another bit that doesn’t mean you are ignoring your other child and can’t perceive their happiness. You just have to juggle the needs of your children the best you can. Sounds like you’ve jumped on the parent bashing bandwagon, yes some parents were rubbish but a parent focussing a bit more on another child while the other one seemed quite happy doesn’t justify criticism. If my adult DC came and said that to me I’d simply say sorry you felt that way but I cared for you all the best I could and do love you, be great to spend more time together if you like. Think it’s natural when you are young and inexperienced in life to expect everything to be all rosy and be quick to blame others

@DoreenonTill8

I never tell either they are a problem. But dd1 frequently tells dd2 how awful and selfish she was as a child.

Dd2 does have a disability that she's works hard to manage .

It's very normal for an offspring in their 20s or 30s to turn round and blame their parents for some imagined slight during their childhood. Often it is a hook to blame anything that's wrong in their life on.
There's a book called 'I'm okay, you're a brat' which deals with this very well.
You would know in your heart if you had avoidably short changed your daughter.

I think you are being unfair here, when there is a NT child in the mix of a family it it not uncommon for the other children to be an unintentional afterthought.

get it out in the open, ask about her childhood. Clearing the air may help as long as you don’t take things too personally

Thanks il have a look for that.

I know she got less attention but I also know I made sure she got 1:1 time, asked her her opinion. Didn't let dd2 dictate all the time. But she genuinely was so kind to her sister and always wanted what her sister wanted. At the time it never occurred to me she didn't mean it

The dad thing sounds like it was hard for her too.

def try the 1:1 thing. It can be low key or nice surprises…

she probably knows she’s angry so i def wouldn’t say anything no matter how gently…

Be honest with yourself, did DD1 childhood suffer because of DD2? Was everything done DD2 way, if DD1 wanted to stay at home and read but DD2 wanted to go to the park did you go to the park?
So many siblings have to get used to being the shadow because anything and everything is done to placate/faciiltate a SEN sibling.
You say DD2 is now a lovely thoughtful person, you must be so proud of her and rightly so but DD1 was a lovely quiet child in fact she was a "dream" child and maybe never felt good enough and now feels DD2 is seen as wonderful because she is calm and caring now.
Maybe it is time for DD1 to have some of the attention she craves, that same attention her sister has always had.

That's the thing I'm not sure if she does know. She will regularly say she's the easy one and go on about how difficult her sister is. She says she's a delight.

When she gets angry if you mention it she is instantly adamant she wasn't angry, wasn't shouting and it's all my (or her sisters fault)

Unfortunately u have caused it, u didn’t treat them equally so was a ticking time bomb.

So did dd2 dictate a lot of the time? What would you/dd2 have done/reacted if dd1 wasn't as easy going and went along with everything dd2 had wanted?

@DoreenonTill8 yes I would say dd2 dictated a lot an example-

Mil brings a pink hula hoop and a purple hula hoop.

Dd2 "I want the pink one!!!"

Me "dd1 is it ok if dd2 has the pink one?"

Dd1?"yes I'll have purple"

If dd1 had been more opinionated it would have been harder definitely as there would have been squabbles. It's hard to know how I would have handled it.

Thereis a three year age gap tho so when dd1 was say 6 dd2 was 3 so would get more attention as need was different

Agree with this. You need to validate her experiences. Just think how her childhood felt to her...