Why do I get nervous around managers?

[OctanuTs]

All my life I’ve been nervous around my mangers. Doesn’t matter if they are male or female my reaction is the same. I feel embarrassed how I act. I get so nervous and tongue tied. I spent all weekend going over conversations and feeling embarrassed and analysing what I’ve said anyone else feel like this or have any advice? I work in schools for context.

I think more information needed. Are you a dreadful employee, given to continual lateness or petty pilfering or something? So your conversations with managers are usually about a disciplinary or being fired? Otherwise this seems quite odd.

Is it a power thing?

I am the same and mine stems from oppressive childhood, domineering mother and despot primary school teacher.

Manager myself, I am overcompensating to my direct reports by being nice, worried sometimes I am being a pushover. But also still get clammy around anyone senior. Does this sound familiar?

I’m very hard working and been told lots of times I’m “conscientious”. I’ve had amazing references from every job. I do supply so I’m going from school to school. I probably do at the most 2 teens in a school then move on. I have got offered work in every school I go to and agencies always comment “they want you back”. I get pre-booked quite often.

I don’t know what it is maybe a confidence thing.

@MishkaNorushka sounds very familiar! I had same childhood.

Why, though, if every authority figure in your professional life has given you 100% positive feedback, references etc.?

I think it comes from childhood where I was told I wasn’t good enough but it shouldn’t be affecting me still should it?

A cruel and uncalled for post!!

OP - look at it like this - they are only human like you and they are no better, nor worse than you. Yes, show them respect if they deserve it but they have a role, you have a role and you ALL work for someone. You have every right to be there as they do

They don't keep you on because they like you, they keep you on as you do a damn good job

@DistinguishedSocialCommentator thank you!

Don't be silly, @DistinguishedSocialCommentator -- it was quite clearly a joke, and the OP has clarified that she's an exemplary employee who has nothing to fear from workplace authority figures. Is any poster who is a persistent thief/absentee likely to come on here and say she doesn't understand why she's so nervous of managers?

OP, what were your authority figures like in childhood? Are you expecting the good feedback facade to drop away and reveal something far more critical and undermining?

I get this too and I work in education. I struggle with being observed because I'm so self conscious of how I come across. I often wonder how they think I'm competent when I feel like I bumble through my day. I was really shy when I was young and absolutely terrified of people in charge so I definitely think that's something to do with it. There's also an element where I don't trust my own level of competence. I'm quite academic but not very practical so whenever I have to do anything practical I feel quite anxious.

It was not clear, hence my post and FYI, I am not being "silly."!!

However, I will accept your explanation at face value as I'm not here to fall out with posters/people - therefore, enjoy whats left of your weekend before you are back at work

🙋‍♀️ Me. I don't know what is wrong with me as I know I'm competent but have a real case of imposter syndrome and would love to know why. I have felt like this since having children

I thought this was quite normal but I’m realising most people don’t feel this way.
OP the fact you’re so conscientious and do a good job probably means you’re very self-aware and self-critical, even unnecessarily so. People who don’t care won’t feel nervous around management.

Growing up with authoritive parents can do this! Parents who teach you that they are above you and in control and that they need to be respected and obeyed without question instill this lifelong anxiety around people in power.

I thought this was quite normal but I’m realising most people don’t feel this way.
OP the fact you’re so conscientious and do a good job probably means you’re very self-aware and self-critical, even unnecessarily so. People who don’t care won’t feel nervous around management.

This. Plus, I think it's the job. We are held SO accountable and there are always book looks, learning walks, pupil progress meetings, lesson observations, practice deep dives... it's an environment where you are constantly looking for what can be improved (aka what's not good enough) and it does eat away at you. And the nature of the job is that we care, and want to do the best for our children. It all feels very personal.

Hey op, I thought I was the only one who suffered from this. I’m strangely okay with female managers as long as they present as ‘down to earth’. Male, authoritarian-types have me stuttering, stammering and going red. I think I can trace it back to my father who was authoritarian and told me to ‘speak properly’ in a snappy tone when I spoke with the local dialect. Now, as a result, I worry that I sound common to these managers, despite people telling me they cannot even tell I have an accent.

I used to avoid taking to any male managers. I now try and force myself to interact, even though it’s really scary, to try and desensitise myself.

You get consistent great feedback from the schools and agency so I suspect much of this is good old imposter syndrome !

You say you analyse your conversations and then worry about what you said - don’t ! Turn it around - you must be saying the right things in view of the feedback you get.

We all have the occasional “wish I had said / hadn’t said “ but try not to over think it. If you are going to have a scheduled one to one I always found it helpful to jot down the points I wanted to make and take my note book with me, that way i didn’t forget to mention something and then kick myself later.

I know because of history your natural tendency might be to be over think and be concerned whether what you said was good enough but remember to tell yourself actually you are doing great because of all that good feedback you get and the schools want you back, trust me if they had concerns about your conversations and communications they wouldn’t and remember to tell yourself many managers are just as nervous talking to their team members and don’t always know what to say - not everyone was born to be a manager and suffers the same insecurities ( they sometimes but not always ) are just better at hiding it.

I used to be like this, it's gotten a lot better after I was able to recognise where it came from. Part of my job involves addressing power imbalances and also as a parent I teach my children to treat everyone with the same level of respect and that people in authority aren't always right and sometimes need to be respectfully challenged. I needed to be practicing what I preached. I'm sure there are some managers who wouldn't take well to being challenged but I've been lucky that I have been able to challenge management and it has been taken well and helped my confidence grow around them.

Just to add, being on supply probably makes this more difficult. You can feel like you’re being watched and scrutinised more than you normally would where management already knows you and you have an established reputation. You’re doing a good job but every day feels like an interview.

I don't think this is strange at all. Those of us who had strict childhoods- "don't speak unless spoken to" type childhoods - were not given the confidence to speak to those in authority. But also we can over compensate at work. This has been me all my life. I now work with very senior people, basically ministerial level. I've had to get over my fear of senior people by staying polite and respectful, doing my best at work, but also being myself by always having a laugh with them

This is me too OP. I'm a teacher too and my Dad was very critical and authoritative.

Oh god I'm the same! I'm 37 and turn into a little baby whenever there is anyone in authority around me! I hate it! Even my kids head teacher I feel all nervous around 😂 my mum is the same so I expect I've just copied her. I try and be very outgoing with people when my kids are around so the cycle doesn't continue but it's so tiring . I have got a bit better with age as I now realise these are just people too I try. Someone once said just imagine them having a poo and you will feel a bit less scared 😂 it works

Same here and despot Dad who ruled us like an army sergeant! It is getting better the older I get but it has been painful over the years.

I have this too. Mine has gotten better as I’ve gotten older but I still have an element of wariness when talking to managers. I’m not sure why I have this issue , I am a bit shy but would chat away to other colleagues. I have read that feeling like this about people in authority is a mild form of social anxiety.