Was I in the wrong here?

[Camden456]

DP was playing sport yesterday and straight after, we were going to a friends party.

I met DP just as his game was finishing. I arrived ready and all dressed up, and some of his team mates said I looked nice.

DP then comes up to me, ready to go. The day didn’t go very well so I give him a hug and ask if he’s ok. He says he’s okay and that he is ready to leave. I then ask him what the plans are regarding food, whether we are driving and leaving the car etc etc. I am stressing a bit because it was his friend and he hadn’t organised logistics etc and then he calls his friend and they start talking about something else.

Eventually we leave and I am still stressing because it’s fairly late and we haven’t eaten so we settle on getting a McDonald’s. I then apologise for being stressed.

30 minutes into the journey he tried to make conversation about “how long did I take to get ready” but says nothing else.
I then ask him if I look nice. He said yes I look beautiful. I said I was a bit hurt because his team mates could say I looked nice but not my own boyfriend.
DP got really annoyed saying “you haven’t given it any time” and “you never let things happen naturally”. He then said it was a bit difficult seeing as the first thing I did was stress out at him. I thought that was unfair seeing as I gave him a hug and asked if he was ok.
He said “how nice would it have been if I’d just told you how lovely you looked when we arrived, but no it’s ruined now”.

He then said I stress him out frequently. I asked why bother then, and he said because he loves me and I give him so many happy moments too.

Anyway, all fine and we arrive at the party.
I have a few drinks and outside it’s cold, he put his arm round me and we have a little peck.
Inside I say to him flirting “can I have a proper kiss now”.
Anyway this backfires and he said to me that this felt really forced and out of the blue, and also didn’t really know what I meant. He said it made him feel the kiss outside wasn’t good enough.

I’m then getting really confused, saying how I thought he used to like me being flirty and I don’t get why the fuck it seems forced. I used to ask similar things when dating and he loved it.
I said maybe it’s because he’s not into it anymore but he said that’s absolute nonsense. He said we just got our wires crossed and of course he likes me flirting but sometimes we swing and miss??

I just feel so confused and I don’t know if I was in the wrong all night?

“I then ask him if I look nice.”

This makes you sound quite needy, plus a bit critical of him for not immediately complimenting you.

for the record I’m not looking to see everything he did wrong, I genuinely want to know what I can do to be better if I am in the wrong!

I think it just hurt because I rarely wear makeup etc and so I thought he’d notice, plus his team mates could compliment me. When I said this he said “well you didn’t stress them out as soon as you saw them today”

Sounds like I just read a part from a teens relationship 🙄are you a teen?

You seem a bit pushy and needing to be complimented/kissed in front of people, not just on your own. It all seems a bit performative and yes forced.

DH played team sport so I know that meeting him ready to go as soon as he finished wouldn't have been ideal. His adrenaline would be racing, he would be wound up. People need time to decompress afterwards.
I was there before during and after most matches and I knew not to pester him afterwards. The last thing he wants is a hug and "are you ok" I am guessing he wanted to have a drink and chat with his team mates.
I am wondering how late it could have finished? Unless it was cricket?

And then when he did show you affection you implied it wasn't good enough.

That all sounds very dramatic and hard work over absolutely nothing at all. Exhausting.

I genuinely want to know what I can do to be better if I am in the wrong!

Listen to him, he’s already told you what the issue was. He felt that you stressed him out, so maybe reflect on that and see if you could have done things differently.

Don’t beat yourself up though, you obviously felt stressed yourself too. Once he felt “got at” he’ll have just got his knickers in a knot and then you’ll feel like you can’t do anything right. But if you take a step back it really is a storm in a teacup.

How exactly did you stress him out? I see you said you hugged him, asked how he was and then asked what the party plans were? If that is all you did then he is being a total arse. And all I can see are one of two things - either he is deliberately messing with your head (punishing you for some something) or you are incompatible, as in you are a planner and he is spontaneous with zero plans.

How long have you been together?

Yeah so going up to a guy with his male team mates giving him a hug and asking if his OK is really quite infantilising and I imagine he did find that a bit stressful.
Then pestering about food and logistics....should have been sorted out before you agreed you would turn up ready to go.

I think you sound a bit needy and annoying, pushing for compliments is unnecessary.

Why hadn’t you talked about logistics before the actual moment you were leaving? You’re both unreasonable for that, how odd not to have that conversation.

You both sound incredibly hard work. Stop with the passive aggressive.

Of course if you show up somewhere dressed up to go somewhere his friends are going to be polite and comment that you look nice. I'm sure they didn't think much of the comment once they said it and moved on. You seem to have placed a lot of weight on the fact that they (were just being polite) commented on how you look.

Why were you stressed? What was the source of the stress? It's not exactly clear. Your BF has told you now that you stress him out, but he loves you regardless. I think it's time for a bit of introspection and see are you needy. Are you demanding of his affection and validation. He sounds like a decent bloke. Don't loose him over your own insecurities. I also don't understand why a peck in company is not seen as enough and you were looking for a "proper kiss" at a function for friends. It's not really the environment for a full make-out session 😉

Have you posted about this before? I remember reading about another relationship where the male partner was complaining that relatively small things felt forced and that the OP wasn’t letting them happen naturally. Was that you?

I was stressed just reading this. All sounds a bit forced, not a very breezy relationship.

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. Yes you did give him a hug which was nice, but you did then start stressing at him and he’d still had a bad day. And then you’re picking at him for compliments. Yes it would have been nice if he’d said something, but it doesn’t always work that way. Were you worried he didn’t think you looked nice, or did you want reassurance? The whole stressing about where to eat sounds daft, it’s a simple decision either way.

Everything afterwards is likely because you’re both tetchy and nervous because of squabbling earlier. If this always happens, then maybe you just don’t “get” each other. Sounds like you are often leaping to very negative conclusions - why would you say “maybe you’re not into it anymore” when you’ve been squabbling earlier and it’s bound to stem from that.

Your whole interaction sounds so fake / forced and unnatural. It's like you are trying to create a picture perfect situation where he compliments you when you think he should, kisses you when you deem it appropriate etc.

It just feels 'off' somehow. Can't you just try and relax a bit. I can see how he would become irritated.

Simple rules that work in every situation, from someone who has had to learn these by rote

1. Do not fish for a compliment by asking him how you look

1. Leave your partner to come to you rather than claim him when you arrive.

It's part of living your best life for yourself rather than just focusing on him. I'm not saying it's right, I really wish that it were different but this is what I have learned.

You can control how you act, you really can't control or change how other people will respond. It's up to you how you act.

I’m going to go against the grain here. He sounds awful. This “you never let things happen naturally” is bullshit. It sounds like he’s got you walking on eggshells.

I don’t think he sounds like a good partner, op. But I may be projecting, as my ex was like this. All he did was complain, sulk, and bring me down. And he couldn’t say anything kind to me, but could say nice things to me about other women.

yuck. I hope your partner isn’t as bad as mine was, but he doesn’t sound very affectionate or loving.

Oh dear me you're so needy!

I think if he'd been busy been playing a team sport his head was probably still in that and then you started stressing and pestering him about the next plans. Give him time to decompress first.
Making an issue about him not immediately saying you looked nice is a bit needy and annoying.
The kiss thing ditto, although not as bad.
From this thread you do sound a little hard work, sorry.

Are you both about 12?

It reads like it went:

DP: walks out
OP: runs up to hug him (I imagine whilst making sure all his teammates notice how much effort she's put in) Oh babe are you ok?
DP: a little sweaty and grimy and tired Uh yeah fine . Wanna go?
OP: Great. So what's the plan? Where are we eating? Are we driving? Leaving the car? Do you want a taxi? Gosh I'm hungry, will there be food? Should we go for a meal first?
DP: overwhelmed by questions Let me just... make a call

And then he gives you a kiss and cuddle outside, presumably quieter out there, and you wait until you're inside and presumably can be seen to as for a "proper" kiss - I guess you mean a longer, more lingering, tongue kiss?

You sound very performative and like you need everyone to see your relationship and to compliment you. Maybe he's uncomfortable with being so public and he just can't express it properly, hence the "stress me out" part instead.

I think I'm reading a different OP to the others. I see a man who doesn't compliment you when you look nicer than usual, is jealous when his friends compliment you and tries to put you down.

He blames you for his stress levels and is quick to spoil a night out.

This is how I see it!

You come across as very needy.

Most men would rather tell you later you look beautiful than in front of their mates. It's more meaningful.

And the whole "proper" kiss comment is awful. It brings back memories of a narcissistic ex who would use that line.

DP then comes up to me, ready to go. The day didn’t go very well so I give him a hug and ask if he’s ok. He says he’s okay and that he is ready to leave. I then ask him what the plans are regarding food, whether we are driving and leaving the car etc etc. I am stressing a bit because it was his friend

Why were you stressing? You were going to a party. I assume there would be food? If you wanted something small to eat on the way then a drive-thru would suffice or something from a deli. It didn't all need to be decided there and then before you even got in the car. You admit yourself you were stressing. But then seen taken aback by him telling you you were stressing him out.

Ease off a bit. You were stressing, and stressed him out. That doesn't make him a jealous, controlling, abusive boyfriend. It makes him human. It's not his job to appease you when you demand it. In relationships there will always be little things that cause irritation to each other. The trick is to accept these irritations and continue the relationship focusing on the good parts. But some mumsnetters can't ever see past the picture perfect relationship where the woman has no fault, ever, and then man is a bastard for not immediately jumping to pamper the princess.

You must be regularly exhausted. Your posts make you sound quite hyper and needy. I was getting a bit stressed just reading it. Your behaviour seemed a bit manic and full on. But that's ok too. We all get worked up occasionally. We're all human.

Move on now. No point in trying to point out how right you were and how wrong he was.

This sounds exhausting! You both sound quite stressed and in a bad mood. I'd put it behind you and move on - unless your interactions are always like this?