Was I in the wrong here?

[Camden456]

DP was playing sport yesterday and straight after, we were going to a friends party.

I met DP just as his game was finishing. I arrived ready and all dressed up, and some of his team mates said I looked nice.

DP then comes up to me, ready to go. The day didn’t go very well so I give him a hug and ask if he’s ok. He says he’s okay and that he is ready to leave. I then ask him what the plans are regarding food, whether we are driving and leaving the car etc etc. I am stressing a bit because it was his friend and he hadn’t organised logistics etc and then he calls his friend and they start talking about something else.

Eventually we leave and I am still stressing because it’s fairly late and we haven’t eaten so we settle on getting a McDonald’s. I then apologise for being stressed.

30 minutes into the journey he tried to make conversation about “how long did I take to get ready” but says nothing else.
I then ask him if I look nice. He said yes I look beautiful. I said I was a bit hurt because his team mates could say I looked nice but not my own boyfriend.
DP got really annoyed saying “you haven’t given it any time” and “you never let things happen naturally”. He then said it was a bit difficult seeing as the first thing I did was stress out at him. I thought that was unfair seeing as I gave him a hug and asked if he was ok.
He said “how nice would it have been if I’d just told you how lovely you looked when we arrived, but no it’s ruined now”.

He then said I stress him out frequently. I asked why bother then, and he said because he loves me and I give him so many happy moments too.

Anyway, all fine and we arrive at the party.
I have a few drinks and outside it’s cold, he put his arm round me and we have a little peck.
Inside I say to him flirting “can I have a proper kiss now”.
Anyway this backfires and he said to me that this felt really forced and out of the blue, and also didn’t really know what I meant. He said it made him feel the kiss outside wasn’t good enough.

I’m then getting really confused, saying how I thought he used to like me being flirty and I don’t get why the fuck it seems forced. I used to ask similar things when dating and he loved it.
I said maybe it’s because he’s not into it anymore but he said that’s absolute nonsense. He said we just got our wires crossed and of course he likes me flirting but sometimes we swing and miss??

I just feel so confused and I don’t know if I was in the wrong all night?

From what you've written I'm struggling to see where your boyfriend could have organically complimented you as it sounds like you started on at him straight away as you were stressing over "logistics" of going to someone's house. If someone feels hard work to me I'm not inclined to shower them with affection. Then later your flirting probably came across as being critical as you had been earlier.

"This didn't happen exactly the way I had hoped it would, so now I'm complaining"

I agree with DP you sound needy and it all sounds very forced.

You sound like hard work…you didn’t give him a chance to gather his thoughts after his sport, to change “mode” before you started badgering him about eating, then fishing for compliments…the kiss thing, he was probably all “you” out…give the man peace

You sound very intense and needy.

Christ

This!! The drama. Jesus Christ.

Too much drama.

It was a simple case of same world, different planets.
He was on planet Sport, you were ahead on planet Next Thing.
The two were misaligned.

Compliments are only timed to perfection on tv shows.

Once he'd had a couple of drinks he may well have offered a genuine one.

So fraught.

He was already having a bad day and then you bang on about food, whether he thinks you look nice and wanting another kiss. It sounds very immature to me.

Fishing and pushing like that is my idea of hell in a relationship. Leave the man alone.

I think you're both coming at this from two completely different angles.

From his viewpoint: he'd just finished a game that didn't go very well, and instead of giving him space, you bombarded him with questions and got all stressed out. Then when he compliments you, you bat it back and say it's not good enough. He goes to kiss you later and you decide it's not a proper kiss.

From your viewpoint, you came to see him after his game and he brushed you off. He hadn't planned things properly which annoyed you, and you felt like he wasn't really that pleased to see you as (in your mind) he couldn't even tell you you look nice or give you a proper kiss without being prompted.

I think you do come across as a bit intense - he doesn't need to compliment you in front of his friends or give you "proper kisses" in public to show he loves you. It's also okay to go with the flow sometimes without a set plan in place. But equally if he knows these things are important to you, it wouldn't hurt him to put in a little bit more effort.

You were definitely in the wrong and sound like hard work.

Not sure why arrangements weren't due ussed at all in advance? And why you got yourself so stressed?

Bewildered by the responses here!

in what world, having made an effort to look nice does your partner not compliment you on sight?! Seriously all this it needs to happen organically/don’t put him under pressure/give him time, it’s a casual “you look great” not a fucking marriage proposal.

he was even prompted by hearing his friends say the same thing.

and I suspect that’s the truth, you have a pathetic man child who thinks losing 1:0 in his pub league weekend football is excuse enough to behave like a big baby and ruin a weekend and hearing his friends compliment you pissed him off so he threw a jealous mantrum, indicated by his not talking to you for the first thirty minutes of your journey.

relationships are not supposed to be this hard work. He’ll never give you want you want because he has you where he wants you, chasing for scraps

This can’t be real. If it is, why are you trying to create some sort of fake relationship. Just be yourself. It’s irritating that he is telling you straight out but you don’t get it.

This. It’s infantilising and fake. His male team probably cringed, and felt they had to say something and just said you look nice Treating him like a baby and being needy.

If it's this much hard work just end it.

You turned up and quite quickly was stressing. Then you were stressing about getting food. Then having a pop because he didn't compliment you. Did you compliment him? Then saying "can I have a proper kiss now" seems like a dig.

It sounds like your heads were just in two different places thinking about different things.

You said you apologised for being stressed, how did that manifest itself?

This, and, quite frankly, what most people have said.

You sound exhausting.

I'm also confused why you wouldn't have established in the morning, or the day before what the plans were (regarding, travel, food, etc) if you are (like me) a person who likes to know and finds 'going with the flow more stressful.

The whole 'performance' thing you have described is just weird.

It’s like you are performing and when it doesn’t go exactly as you have decided in your head you get confused.

Hi OP, it's rare I say this on here but I'm afraid you were in the wrong here.

I think you have some insecurities in this relationship and they are coming through and ruining it. That said it isn't all your fault it's just personalities.

I'm really hoping you wernt doing the stressing about the transport arrangements in front of his friends. He would of found this anxiety provoking, stressful and embarrassing and it would explain why he didn't even notice what you were wearing even if his friends wernt within earshot it will still have had an impact.

Next if you mentioned his friends complimenting you and him not, this will have had an impact on him in a couple of ways. Self esteem and jealousy wise and he would now feel he was being measured against other men. Not a nice feeling I'm sure.

I think the kiss thing was innocent but I can still see his point. The outside kiss was to you the making up kiss, and then you wanted a happy kiss. To him though it was a happy kiss that wasn't good enough for you. Coupled together with looking nice comment I can see why he took it the way he did.

I think you really shouldn't judge his behaviour against other mens, if you keep doing that then your relationship won't last. That said I can see why you felt agrieved that others mentioned you looking nice and him not doing, but maybe don't mention it next time. You can't force emotional warmth just try to work on accepting it when it's given and work to keep a great mood between you both to encourage it.

Mountain and molehill. From what you've written you seem hard work to me.

Try and relax and go with the flow a bit more. It shouldn't feel this hard.