To tell him no

[Anon543210]

So here's a new one so I've posted on here before about my partner and we are good but there is 1 little thing that has been niggling me for a while now.
Bit of a back story just for context my partner is 44 years old now and when he was younger like much younger he did the whole getting involved with drugs thing I'm talking cocaine plus other things again this was when he was much younger before I even knew him when he was with his ex who is the mother of his children. Now this caused him tooth loss because of all the gurning whilst on drugs.
He keeps going on about wanting to go to Turkey and get his mouth sorted out and wants me to help put money towards it with his wages aswell.
Now here is where it annoys me again I wasn't with him back then didn't even know him and he was not too young he didn't know what he was doing.
I know people make mistakes in life but I have never done drugs and have my full set of teeth and I don't see why I should help fund something that he basically did to himself. I don't see him asking his ex to help pay after all she was doing the drugs with him back then and I would never dream of asking him to help fund me with something that is my own fault. I just feel like mate you made your choices now you need to pay for it. I'm actually sick of him bringing it up now I have no problem him saving up and paying for himself if that's what he wants to do but I am on long term sickness benefits due to ill health myself and quite frankly without trying to sound heartless haven't got the energy to deal with someone else's mistakes they made when I didn't even know them.
Aibu to flat out refuse to help pay towards this because I feel like I'm being made to feel I'm in the wrong here like I said he works full time doesn't have many Outgoings no childcare costs as his kids are all adults now like I said I don't mind if he wants to go to Turkey and have his teeth done I just don't want to be funding something that has nothing to do with me and I honestly feel like telling him go ask ya ex for the money obviously I won't say that to him but I'm starting to get a bit annoyed with it all as I would never expect for him to pay for something for me that happened many years before he met me and something I did to myself.
Sorry for the long post and thank you if you got this far.

Your sickness benefit shouldn’t be going to pay for someone elses cosmetic dental treatment. End of.

It's fine, just tell him no.

He's a bit out of order asking frankly. Can't he get a loan? Or save up for longer?

Thanks for the replies so far I've told him I won't be paying any of my money out like I said he works full time has minimal Outgoings so if he wants to do it he can save up himself and pay for it it's not like he's living on the breadline or anything, meanwhile I have to watch what I spend and where it goes because I hardly get any money and my mental health at the moment quite frankly is shocking but I don't even burden him with that. We have been together 11 years in July and we don't really argue so this is becoming a bit of an issue as I feel like I'm being made out to be the big bad girlfriend that won't help him get his confidence back and quite frankly I'm getting a little tired and bored of it all. I just want to say though he is generally a good man he would do anything for me so I guess that's why I'm feeling slightly guilty but at the same time irritated with the mithering he basically told his mum last night that I don't support him and it really got my back up coz anything else and I'm always in his corner and cheering him on so just felt like a bit of a slap in the face to me.

You're struggling - absolute no.

It's childish of him to complain to his mother.

Tell him you don't have the money, you're under the weather with mental health, and NO.

You can’t afford it - he’s throwing his toys out of the pram. Ignore the moaning, If he’s that desperate he could ask his mother - he’s being a twat

Two separate issues here

You don't want to pay for his teeth ...don't. He had to sacd up and pay or get a loan or payment plan from the dentist

Why should his ex contribute? This is his issue alone.

Drugs are super common. Most people have used them at some point. Alcohol is more dangerous and impacts health more. Would you be as judgmental if he had developed cancer because he drank a lot in his 20s?

Don't give him money, don't judge

I feel a bit torn here , I work with someone who took a similar path when younger and now has a mouth of rotted black pegs , it causes her so much distress , she never smiles and it really affects her confidence.
I can understand why your partner would be desperate to have things fixed .
Whether you should contribute though is another matter , I wouldn't unless I had plenty of spare money to call it a gift . .

You're already having to be careful to make ends meet, so I'm not understanding where he thinks the money would come from. Can he explain what he would like you to go without so that he can have different teeth?

You said he has few outgoings-- is he living with you or otherwise being subsidised by you already?

Think about it as a couple. Sit down and talk about both of your finances. How much does he need to save. If he saves something, are you willing to contribute something.

You have been together for 11 years. You are partners. He isnt just a new boyfriend. He has been in your life for a long time and im sure you have both helped each other during that time. If my needed something that would make the quality of his life better then i would help him.

Warning though about turkey. There have been things in the news about people's teeth getting completely messed up going there. Be careful

Also without drip feeding I'm going through quite a bit of a bad time at the moment m dad is terminal with kidney cancer and we don't know how long he has left so I'm trying to spend precious time with him and also my daughter is in palliative care as she has a terminal condition called nieman pick type c and she has not that long left as she has the fast degenerative type so she is deteriorating a lot faster than kids her age and I will be lucky if I get another 12 months with her she has just turned 13 years old so he knows I have all this going on so this is why I have no patience for his nonsense at the minute I feel like telling him to piss off out of my life I am that angry but also don't want to regret something said out of anger and frustration coz like I said normally he is a really good man and would literally do anything for me without me even having to ask and he has been there for me when my dad and my daughter got there diagnoses and even took unpaid time off work so that I wasn't on my own to process it all when I 1st got the news about my dad and my daughter but yes I am going to stand my ground as I literally don't have the energy or the emotional capacity to deal with anything else right now.

To answer a couple of questions yes we do live together and he does help me with money for food shopping but I pay gas electric water rent shortfall all other bills
But also he is a big lad he eats a hell of a lot more than me so that's why on his payday he gives me money towards the food shop.
Also the thing about the ex was just said out of frustration I would never in a million years dream of asking her or him asking her for the money but I would also never dream of asking him to rectify something I did to myself many years ago.

Is there a dental training/hospital facility nearby? They might be able to help.

How much is the Turkey work? He's waited years, he can wait a bit longer.

Sorry you have so many horrible things going on 🌺

Ugh. Fine, lots of people do a lot of things they aren't proud of later.

But asking you repeatedly for your own money?
I would loose all respect.

Doesn't matter what it's for.
Just no.

I don't understand why he isn't paying half of all household bills?

I don't think you should pay, I must say I am surprised that you are still together too, you seem very different people.

I just want to say though he is generally a good man he would do anything for me so I guess that's why I'm feeling slightly guilty But at the same time irritated with the mithering he basically told his mum last night that I don't support him and it really got my back up coz anything else and I'm always in his corner and cheering him on so just felt like a bit of a slap in the face to me

He doesn’t sound like a good man to me. He’s in full time employment but he’s poncing off your disability benefit by letting you pay all his share of the bills? And is then bitching about you to his mum because you prioritise paying the rent over his cosmetic procedure? And he’s doing all of this while your dad and 13yr old daughter are receiving palliative care? He sounds like fucking awful. What are you doing here? What’s stopping you from sending him back to his mum’s?

We're not talking about alcohol, we're talking about someone stupid enough to use Class A drugs.

Alcohol is legal.

Cocaine isn't

Most people do not get addicted to drugs to the extent that they lose all their teeth, the same way that most people who have a glass of wine on a Saturday night are not alcoholics. Alcohol is no worse than drugs if you're an addict.

What nonsense. Where's your stats that alcohol is more dangerous?

You've literally just plucked that put of thin air.

You beat me to it!

What support are you getting for your mental health issues OP?

He should pay for the food he eats, the electricity, gas and water he uses.

It's not "helping" you to cover the costs as if he's doing you a favour! They are HIS COSTS. Why not tell him he buys all the food, pays all the household bills, and you will chip in to help him out?

He should pay for his own teeth. Your sickness benefits are to cover YOU not anyone else.

I think you are being taken for a mug by him.

Alcohol is the most dangerous drug. It doesn't matter if its legal just google it

OP what are your vs his contributions to unavoidable outgoings I.e food and bills. You mentioned he contributes to food but what about everything else.

are you being financially abused?

When you say he has minimal outgoings, does that mean he lives with you and doesn't pay much money? Also what does he do with his spare money at the moment? I think it's really shocking that he thinks you are going to fund his new teeth! Absolutely no fucking way.