AIBU to expect husband to bring in money?

[Usian]

My DH and I are empty nesters about a decade away from retirement. He had upper management jobs in tech for many years and made about 3 times what I made as a teacher. He paid most of our living expenses, while I was able to put a lot of my earnings in the bank. We had very different spending styles. He likes big houses and expensive things. I have always been very frugal, the opposite of him, but my attitude was that since he was earning a good salary and supporting us, I wasn't going to be a wet blanket. Whenever it came time to buy a new home, we took the down payment money from my savings account, so I contributed that way.

He got laid off over a year ago. After applying for a few jobs, he decided he should start his own business. I have been paying our mortgage, taxes, home insurance, and medical/dental insurance for over a year now. My entire take-home pay is spoken for, and I'm using the savings to buy food. He has landed one contract so far and brought in a the equivalent of one month's mortgage. I have been telling him to do something, ANYTHING, to bring in a little money while he is trying to launch this business. Walk dogs. Make deliveries. SELL some things (he's a hoarder, I mean collector). I believe he thinks these activities are beneath him. Meanwhile, I'm hitting the charity shops and buyings items to resell and am tutoring during the summer to bring in a little extra. I feel like a fool spending down savings when he is bringing in close to zero. Am I being a fool to let this situation drag on, or should I just be patient and grateful for all the years he supported our family?

Yes I think both partners should bring in money, but it appears that it only works one way on here man has to be main earner

Personally I think both

That’s not what the OP is saying. She’s saying she can’t afford to sustain the lifestyle they created while he had ‘the big job’. She’s not saying he needs to be the main earner, but she is saying he needs to generate some sort of income.

OP, how would he react if you told him that you needed to downsize. Does he know what you are doing to make ends meet? If his business isn’t sustaining itself it’s not a business, it’s a hobby, and he needs to get a job.

I am saying both partners should be bringing in money

You need to sit him down and explain that his choice is no longer sustainable.

He either needs to sell all his hoarded stuff, and find himself a job while he launches his business, or he needs to go back to work.

I know how it feels to be made redundant at 57 but finding another job is not that hard. There is a skills shortage and he will find something. Or if he wants something less stressful, he could go for postman (good for health, early mornings leaving the afternoons free for his business), private school minibus driver (free during the middle of the day) etc.

In the meantime, I'd cut back hard on luxuries he has come to expect. Don't buy any alcohol or snacks in the groceries and when he moans, say 'we can't afford them'. Turn down the water heating - when he complains about a luke warm shower - say 'we can't afford it'. He needs to feel the discomfort of the problem he is causing. Buy cheaper less appealing food. Refuse to book a holiday. Hammer your point home. Or suggest selling the house.

I think you need to look together at how you can cover the outgoings and think about how you can reduce the mortgage bill by downsizing, mortgage holiday, extending the term (obviously not ideal at your ages but an option). Principally I would be pushing downsizing unless he can start covering the food shop.

If your children have left home, could sell and buy something smaller so your outgoings are not as high? Seems daft pushing yourselves to your financial limits paying for a big luxury house you don't need anymore if it is just the two for you. He definitely needs to work though. I'm just saying lower outgoings might take the pressure off both of you

Lots of people think of starting a business after a big job, thinking it will be like the job was and they are totally totally deluded about the degree that their “value” was propped up by the infrastructure provided by the .corp

most people who have had a long time in corporate are totally incapable of the mindset change that would be required to make the same income with a “business” whatever it is.

he needs a fast reality check, I’ve seen many such people just burn through all their resources delusionally and end up in quite a bad place.

so what I’m saying is - if for instance he was making £100k, then he wasn’t worth that in his own rite, it was only the infrastructure of the corp for instance others making the sales if he was technical, or others doing the technical if he was sales which made him worth that. Sure he would still probably be worth that in other similar corporates with similar structures, but he’s not worth that on his own where he would have to fulfil all associated roles, most of which, he is probably useless at.

its like the endless house price values threads, he’s worth what he’s capable of earning, which so far is 1 small contract that he may or may not have fulfilled and if you average it out pays less than minimum wage.

you need a serious talk and time based objectives, or he needs a job delivering for Asda while he “builds his business”

also a bit of a worry that despite his prev big job he doesn’t have a bit more put away.

How much were you able to put into savings while his salary went on supporting the home and the family?

It sounds like he spent years spending his salary while you saved yours - surely you have enough put away to cover some expenses for now?

I agree he should be earning too but it does sound like it's been very very unequal.

Which is what the OP is saying too. The trouble is, he’s not bringing anything in and is living beyond their means. The means that they only have because the OP worked and planned for their future.

He may have been the bigger earner once, but she wasn’t sitting on her arse painting her nails. And it’s a good job she wasn’t, and was able to build up a nest egg for them to use now or they’d be visiting the food bank.

OP, this situation clearly isn’t sustainable. If he wants to make a real go of this business and you want to support him, then he has to agree to downsize and you live off the excess while he builds it up. Once that’s gone, he has to get a job. Any job (he’s not going to get a job. Not without having some sort of breakdown over his perceived loss of status, and then delays while he’s searching for the ‘right’ job, because he’s not going to do something he doesn’t enjoy simply to put food on the table).

The only other option is that you divide your current assets and go your separate ways, or you wait until he’s gone through your savings, taken out secured loans and you’ve got bailiffs banging on the door with a repossession order.

I’ve been in a very similar situation with an ex. There’s only one way this business is going to end and he’ll take you down with him if you let him.

I would sit him down, say we need to go through the accounts and decide when we have to put the house on the market. I’m not running out savings to zero and then being up shit creek without a paddle when we could cut our expenses while waiting for you to find some work.

He’s starting his own business though and has been bringing in money the whole time you’ve been together so can you not give him say a year/ 2 years so he can work to get the business profitable? Or do you think it’s not a goer? I’m a full time author, I left my job last year to try to make it work and am nearly at minimum wage. The deal is if within the next two years this continues or gets better I don’t go find a new job, if it goes down I’ll go looking. Dh’s attitude is if I start making serious money it’s like sitting on a lottery ticket!!

You need the talk...

Downsize
Get a job
Take responsibility

If not? You are better off on your own.

Sounds like a robust financial planning meeting is needed, setting out income and expenditure and when you will run out of money/into uncomfortable territory.

Best case scenario this will give him the motivation he needs, or it will force a conversation about what the rest of your life looks like, ie would downsizing be an option, what do your pensions look like, when do they kick in?

@stayathomer but are you having to dip into savings a decade from retirement to do this?

OP I think if your wages could support you both then it could be something you could have discussed but in no way would I be happy with dipping into savings for this reason when he could do both; start his business and work a bit to bring in some money

I’d be saying to him that you’ll need to sell the house if he doesn’t find a job and I expect that will give him the shock he needs if he likes having a big house

Ask him does he want to downsize or get any job that will help pay the mortgage on the house you have. You sound a bit tight though, given you've benefited from his higher earnings all these years to niw be moaning when you're actually living the thrifty lifestyle you say yous have been content with

He's got no savings behind him to give him time to build this business though

It's not on the OP to find the money to the extent she's working a FT job and part time side gigs for extra cash just to be able to pay bills

The only thing he has got is the house, he's spent everything else

Therefore serious consideration needs to be given to selling the house

He won't though because status blah blah blah so he needs to start bringing in the money

Agree with previous posters that OP needs to start cutting things - make his life uncomfortable

I have no patience with people who think any sort of job is beneath them. Money is money no matter how it is earned.

Depending on what age your DH actually is could he access his work pension early? This can be done from age 55 I believe.

Tbskejue
No not using savings, have just cut back and I market on a shoestring

It sounds like you have tried to talk to him but he is not listening.

What do you think the next step should be? What has worked previously?

Aaand yet another bullshit what-if-the-sexes-were-reversed post derailing the OP. If you'd bothered paying attention there's plenty of female main earners on MN threads - the trouble here as in real life (backed up by decades of statistics) being that they tend to be the main caregivers and domestic workers as well.

OP this isn't on. Has he ever even produced a feasible business plan? You might want to insist your H books in with a startup advisor who'd force him to produce some projections. If these come up subpar, much easier to talk turkey. Agree on making cutbacks that visibly hurt.

He needs to face reality

The big house and the hoard are fair game for raising cash

A job of any kind is needed and he needs to start job hunting

Yes he needs to bring in some money. It sounds very frustrating.

@Brumhilda highlights why so many people struggle with starting businesses, they get caught up with “being their own boss” and not realising how much shitwork the bosses have to deal with.

The upper/middle management job market is tough atm.

As someone thrust into it, it's humbling to be reaching out looking for jobs and posting rubbish on LinkedIn to raise your profile. Thankfully I think I have a stay of execution, but the trick is to keep going. I bet if your DH actually put his mind to it he could get a decent job, tech skills are still in demand. Unlike your DH though I had a plan and would have started looking at lower paid roles once I had been out of work for 2-3 months.

Maybe sit him down and suggest he goes that direction for the next 1-2 months, but meanwhile sees what he can sell from the home. I'd start putting your savings out of reach if you can, although I suppose technically they are joint savings.

Do you still love and want to be with him ? That's the key question really.

I think you need to consider downsizing!

He needs to accept that with a lower salary the luxuries need to go.

How on earth as a teacher do you have time to go to charity shops then sell the items?!?!?!