AIBU to expect husband to bring in money?

[Usian]

My DH and I are empty nesters about a decade away from retirement. He had upper management jobs in tech for many years and made about 3 times what I made as a teacher. He paid most of our living expenses, while I was able to put a lot of my earnings in the bank. We had very different spending styles. He likes big houses and expensive things. I have always been very frugal, the opposite of him, but my attitude was that since he was earning a good salary and supporting us, I wasn't going to be a wet blanket. Whenever it came time to buy a new home, we took the down payment money from my savings account, so I contributed that way.

He got laid off over a year ago. After applying for a few jobs, he decided he should start his own business. I have been paying our mortgage, taxes, home insurance, and medical/dental insurance for over a year now. My entire take-home pay is spoken for, and I'm using the savings to buy food. He has landed one contract so far and brought in a the equivalent of one month's mortgage. I have been telling him to do something, ANYTHING, to bring in a little money while he is trying to launch this business. Walk dogs. Make deliveries. SELL some things (he's a hoarder, I mean collector). I believe he thinks these activities are beneath him. Meanwhile, I'm hitting the charity shops and buyings items to resell and am tutoring during the summer to bring in a little extra. I feel like a fool spending down savings when he is bringing in close to zero. Am I being a fool to let this situation drag on, or should I just be patient and grateful for all the years he supported our family?

Also rereading your OP it's time for both of you to go throw your finances with a fine tooth comb.

You don't need medical and dental insurance. At the very least DH can be set a task of finding an NHS dentist for you both to register with or - unless teeth are really bad - paying privately as you go is often cheaper than a policy. Use the NHS for medical issues, yes it's not great but if you have an actual emergency they seem to be fine.

Sorry for your predicament OP, please come back and update us with your thoughts.

I agree, with a Caveat to say if they are not disabled in any way.

If he's a spender who likes expensive things, isn't he struggling with the current situation too? Surely he must realise it can't continue like this (dipping into savings to buy food)? What does he say when you discuss it?

As you are empty nesters, could you consider down sizing to reduce the mortgage payments?

I have some sympathy with him, as I think it's hard to find a senior role in your 50s after redundancy, and that can be very difficult to discover when you're used to having a successful career. He does need to be realistic though. I agree with you that if his business isn't profitable he needs to find a job, any job, and can't afford to be fussy. I think it's natural for that to be depressing for him though.

If he was earning well when working for years why doesn't he have any savings or investments to help him now?

Exactly.
Where is the "shall I get a divorce" option?

It is something we have been discussing. One complicating factor is that we bought the house when mortgage rates were at their lowest, and if we were to buy a smaller, cheaper house, we would barely reduce the payments because the mortgage rates have doubled ("the golden handcuffs"). Also, we live in a tourist area where many residents rent out their houses or rooms during events and make quite a bit, so the house itself has earning potential.

Something I didn't mention that explains my reluctance to spend a lot of the savings is that I entered the marriage with assets from years of living below my means. He entered it with debts, which I helped him pay so that he would improve his credit. I come from a family where "live below you means" is a kind of mantra, whereas his thinking has always been "fake it till you make it."

In the short term can he at least be responsible for a project to rent out rooms during these events as you're entering peak season I assume.
There's so much to unpick here, but the urgent focus must be in getting some more money in.

But it sounds like you squirreled money away whilst living off his earnings? so it's time to repay the favour for a while whilst he gets sorted.

And although I get your reluctance to sell the house you can then accept that your financial cushion is the equity in the house.

This.

He needs to get a job, any job, minimum wage jobs bring in a decent wage that would buy a lot of food a month

and you clearly have totally different attitudes to money, he is a spender and you are a saver.

I would not be giving up a savings safety net, and all expenses would be cut to the bone, no more subscriptions to anything, and a lot of lentil Dahl and beans on toast would be served

we started with Saturday jobs that included sweeping floors and cleaning loos, and have both said we could go back to this kind of work if we had do.
your husband needs to really think hard about not being too grand to sweep floors and stack shelves

He had a two-year period of unemployment before and spent any investments that weren't for retirement. In spite of paying most of our living expenses and saving money in 401K (which still should have left him with a good deal of discretionary income based on his salary and bonus), he wasn't saving because of his spending habits. I should mention that he also was paying child support for one child, which again, shouldn't have made much of a dent in his salary. If he felt like having some ice cream or a fancy coffee, he would have Uber deliver it to him. He would buy expensive clothes and never take them out of the wrapping, we had every streaming service, etc. When we sold our last house after owning it for a decade, the market in our area was crap and we lost quite a bit, plus we moved to a part of the country with a much higher cost of living. It makes sense for me to be contributing a bit from saving since he carried us for many years, but I still think he should be doing more to help while he is trying to get this business off the ground. Maybe I'm just anxious!

Thank you for saying that. I grew up with a divorced mom who always worked at least two jobs, and who is sill working in her 80s even though she doesn't need to (just because she can!). She instilled that attitude in her kids. She never had a big job, and I certainly never have either, so doing whatever it took and living modestly were the ways I learned to make ends meet and prepare for the future. My husband's attitude is completely different. He has said that he would feel depressed taking a more junior job in his field because he thinks he would never get back to where he was, but that might just be the reality in one's late 50's! He won't even deign to respond to my suggestion that he walk dogs. You can imagine how appalled my mother is.

Yes, he's been decluttering the house, and he's also been doing a lot of yard work in case we have to sell (maybe too much; seems like an obsession). And since starting a business is turning out to be more difficult than he thought, he is starting to look for full time jobs again. Still, nothing to bring in money in the near term. I wish he would put some of his stuff on eBay at the very least!

You actually sound really incompatible with such different attitudes, and I would be looking hard at how you are going to fund the next 10 years until pensions kick in

i am with you and your mum, and have been the kind of person to make the coffee and put the bins out at work, despite my seniority and length of experience. So has my husband. He had a Big Job but the change in the way technology has advanced actually got rid of his job, think bank manager where the computer now says no not him. He got a minimum wage minimum stress job and will be doing that til we can retire

I have had career breaks and worked in a pub, and had to mop the floor and scrub the loos at the end of the night, and re thought my career and am back earning a decent wage now, but some days I’d like to swop with my DH

you both have to be like this, cos if one is too big and important and needs a Big Job at the age of 60, it just ain’t happening

you need to get very cross and be very brutal with the household budget.

True, and this is why I'm conflicted about it. I squirrelled away money, but I also continued to spend very little on myself (and always with my own earnings) when he was making a lot and spending a lot on his own hobbies and wants. I entered the marriage with a good savings cushion and with real estate, paying off his debts so that he could repair his terrible credit. I seesaw between thinking I'm a complete fool to be supporting us right now and thinking of course I should be supporting us right now. I don't want to be petty or ungrateful.

We're in the US. I threatened to take him off medical and dental, his share of which adds $600 a month to our expenses, but I backed down. He has a lot of medical issues, partly because he let himself become overweight over the years. If we don't file our taxes together next year, he will be eligible for public health insurance.

We have kept our finances somewhat private from each other. He has made big bucks for years, and sometimes I've wondered where it all goes. On the other hand, I get pre-inheritance gifts form parents that I don't really consider to be his business (his family has no money). I guess I've never 100% committed myself to our financial future being together, but maybe given that I'm a teacher with much less in 401K and pension than he undoubtedly has, that's not crazy.

This is a good idea.

He's been at this for a little over a year, and at least he has his first contract. He has developed proposals for several other companies that have shown interest, but he hasn't landed contracts with them. He is at the computer and on the phone all day, so he's not goofing off. I'm willing to give it another 6 months, but I would still like him to be doing some little something on the side to help out with our finances. To my relief, he has been saying this is harder than he expected and that getting another full time job is more attractive now. He's afraid of getting laid off again in a year or two, which is a realistic expectation for an older worker in the tech field.

Believe me, it crosses my mind, and I read about how older women who get divorced end up worse off financially and that's why I don't want to use up the savings. We're incompatible in many ways, but we also have many years invested in our marriage.