To shout at my child stepping into traffic

[Diggerorbigger]

DH, DS and I were setting off home after a walk concluded by a brief trip to the local pub. As we left the pub DS asked DH if he could ride on his shoulders. DH said yes and ushered him in front of him so he could lift him up onto his shoulders. Thing is, at the time we were waiting to cross a busy road (at a crossing), and DS clearly thought he was being ushered to cross the road because he began to step out into the road. I immediately shouted loudly at him to stop (I was of reach of him), and DH grabbed him and pulled him back.

DS is very sensitive to being shouted at and always reacts by lashing out. He shouted back at me and hit me and I explained that I shouted because I was scared and I needed to keep him safe, not because I was angry with him. DH told me crossly that I shouldn’t have shouted at DS to which I replied “if there is ever a time to shout at a child it is to stop them stepping out into traffic.”

DH maintained I shouldn’t have shouted at DS because he “was about to grab him” as if I should have been considering that in the moment.

AIBU to have shouted at DS, and to stand by it? I really don’t think so…

My dd was furious with me when I grabbed her friend in similar circs when they were 7-8 yrs old or thereabouts, and out for the day with me. Needless to say the mum of said friend was really relieved. It’s not the moment to hesitate, I’m with you entirely.

I’m with you.

I'm with you too.

Your husband shouldn't have ushered your child in to the road either. You had no other option really did you.

Much rather be shouted at than run over!

We just skipping past that your child hits you when you shout at him?

Of course YANBU. It's not even really shouting at him, it's shouting a warning. I'd shout a warning at an adult if I could see they were in imminent danger.

Your husband shouldn't have ushered your child in to the road either. You had no other option really did you.
He didn't. He ushered the boy in front of him.

How old is DS?
as to shouting: I’m with you, I would’ve done the same and actually I did the same.

YANBU I think your dh is feeling guilty that his actions nearly caused your ds to step into the road. He is deflecting is mistake onto you.

I did worse, I was holding a torch at a Christmas carols on the green evening and we were waiting to cross when DS (about 6) uncharacteristically stepped out when a car was coming. I grabbed him but I unfortunately hit him on the head with the torch which was in my hand. He was fine, no bump or anything but I did feel terrible. I'm glad it was just a knock on the head and not a trip into a wheelchair or worse. Sometimes our reactions in situations like this transcend politeness! X

I’d say this was pretty much instinctual.

I sometimes shout "wait" or "car" when out with friends, on one memorable occasion I did it to my boss. It's just a reflex once you have DC.

I think you need to speak to your son about his inappropriate reactions. Sounds a bit like he rules the roost.
My kids don’t know a raised voice as an angry thing, because we don’t shout. Well, they do to each other sometimes 😂 but they don’t know a parent shouting at them in anger. They do know me shouting about stuff like this; when they’re about to do something dangerous and I’m using it to alert them when they need to immediately stop what they’re doing.

Your kid needs to cop on a bit.

The reasons you don't shout the rest of the time is so that when you do it's for bloody good reason, this is one.
I remember screaming stop at one of mine who'd gone ahead to cross a road abroad and looked the wrong way. Still gives me horrors thinking about that. It was half primal!

How old is your DS? That is relevant in terms of how he perceives things and how he responds.

Can't you all just let it go? Perhaps if you and your DH start to model letting things go, your DS will learn to do this too.

I was walking to the crossing to cross the road to the icecream shop with my 6 year old and my best friend. My 6 year old suddenly decided to cut across the road straight to the shop, my friend and I both shouted at her and she cried. I'd rather a mildly traumatised child than a dead one!

YANBU. You did nothing wrong.

DS is very sensitive to being shouted at and always reacts by lashing out. He shouted back at me and hit me

This is completely unacceptable and you need to deal with it. You avoiding shouting isn't a solution because sometimes shouting is necessary (eg when stopping him walking into a road), and other people may shout in DSs vicinity!

You did nothing wrong

I'm not a shouty parent at all but I would absolutely shout in this circumstance. It's partly just instinct I think but also because I want DS to know that I save shouting for when it really matters.

Of course you weren't being unreasonable! Your husband's reaction was ridiculous. What did he do when your son hit you? I wouldn't find it acceptable for my child to hit me for any reason.

How old is your son? Anything older than 3 and he is way too old to be hitting. That's what you need to focus on (and the fact your dh isn't very nice - how the fuck were you supposed to know he was about to grab your son?)

OP you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

I've shouted at strange children a couple of times not to step into the road. Their adults weren't paying attention for various reasons. I was hit by the children they just looked shocked and moved back.

My own DD and a few other children I know have been shouted at by strangers not to go into the road. They aren't and weren't offended by it as they have been helped in other situations.

I've physically grabbed an older child I've been babysitting who looked like they were going to walk into the road. I wasn't hit. The child repeatedly revealed she had no road sense and I ended up doing it after that when I wasn't the adult in charge of her. Again I wasn't hit when I grabbed her.

My DS10 ran out on a road coming home from school last week,.in front of a car. He was fine but apparently another mum roared at him. I wasn't there

She rang me to let me know it happened and also in case DS mentioned she'd shouted at him. I had NO problem with her shouting at him in that moment. It was instinct and done to warn him. I was just grateful she'd called to tell me and had tried to warn him.

You and your husband also need to work on being a united front. When it happened, he should have turned to your son and firmly said that mummy was right to shout an alert, that it was a dangerous situation and mum protected him by alerting and dad protecting him by grabbing him. Instead, your son was given a reinforcement from his dad that no one should shout at him no matter what, and it makes it harder next time.

You guys need to have a chat when your kid is asleep and agree a United front and a way forward, including managing your child’s totally out of line response and hitting.

I would have really come down on him for that. Stop pandering to him. Nobody likes being shouted at so he doesn't need special excuses.